Reading Between The Lines
by Cristofle
Summary: Set in the summer between S2 and S3 Ryan and Marissa analyze their relationship from the beginning in order to move on with their lives together.
1. Prologue

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own any characters, nor did I come up with many of these situations. Josh Schwartz and co. at The OC own everything; I'm merely borrowing!_

_This prologue is somewhat spoilerish, so if you're spoiler free, you can skip ahead to Chapter One. Just know that the prologue sets up a dialogue for Ryan and Marissa to talk about their relationship from the beginning._

_Okay, this is set during the summer between S2 and the upcoming S3. Ryan and Marissa are still together, waiting to see if Trey will wake up from his coma or if the courts decide to charge either one of them with a crime due to Trey's shooting. Naturally, this is taking a toll on both of them, particularly Ryan, who isn't sleeping or eating very much. Marissa is growing increasingly worried about him and decides to surprise him with dinner for two in the pool house this particular evening…._

_**Reading Between The Lines: Prologue**_

"Hey," Marissa greeted her boyfriend, stepping into the pool house to see him lying in bed reading a book.

"Hey," Ryan smiled, sitting up. Her face was a refreshing sight for his exhausted eyes. "I wasn't expecting to see you tonight."

"Well, I was picking up cheeseburgers and chili fries at the pier when I decided to be especially generous and pick some up for you, too," Marissa said playfully. "I even have some brownies Kaitlyn and I made last night."

Ryan started to protest that he wasn't hungry, but caught the hopefulness, the almost pleading expression in the back of Marissa's eyes and checked himself. He knew this hadn't been done on a whim; Marissa had planned this because she was worried about him. After the hell his impulsive actions with Trey had wreaked on her life, he didn't even deserve her concern. The least he could do was be appreciative of some food. "Sounds great. How about a private picnic out here, just the two of us?" He wasn't particularly in the mood to deal with the rest of the clan.

"You read my mind," Marissa grinned, shutting the door behind her and crawling onto the bed, greeting him with a slow, sweet kiss.

"Mmmm," Ryan murmured against her lips, catching her by the hips and pulling her more firmly against him. "We could skip dinner; this is the best dessert."

Giggling, Marissa shoved him away. "And miss my famous brownies? Not a chance."

"Ugh. Fine," Ryan groaned teasingly, his hand lingering on her waist as he reached for the bag of food with the other. A pang went through his heart; she'd even packed his favorite brand of soda. For a girl often considered to be self-centered, the thoughtful little things she remembered sometimes touched him even as he felt guilty. He should be worrying about her, not the other way around. She shot a person in his defense and she was taking care of him because of it.

"Hey." Marissa reached out to stroke his hair gently. "Where'd you go just then?" Her concern for him ate at her; it kept her up nights as often as the haunting memories of firing the gun at Trey and the fear of what the courts would decide to do about it. She knew he wasn't sleeping or eating; he had dark circles under his eyes and he'd lost about five pounds in the last month. In her darkest moments, she wondered if he was regretting letting her into his life again. Because of her, he'd watched his own brother get shot. Watched HER shoot his brother. As selfish as it was, she was terrified of losing him again. Even worse than that, she'd fear he'd have to pay the price legally for what she'd done. She felt helpless; she had no idea how to make him feel better. Getting him dinner was silly and stupid, but she was so far out of her depth. It was a low blow to emotionally guilt trip him into eating- she knew he'd realize she'd plan this and be unable to turn him down- but if that's what it took to get him to eat, so be it.

"Nowhere," Ryan smiled faintly, leaning his face into her touch and kissing her hand. "Just let my mind drift for a second. Come on, let's eat." They shared dinner in companionable quiet, Ryan eating more to see some of the tension leave Marissa's body than out of any actual desire to do so.

"Mmmm," Marissa said, licking her fingers. "Are there any two more perfectly matched foods than cheeseburgers and chili fries?"

"Well, toss your brownies into the mix and I'd say no," Ryan said playfully, ruffling her hair. "Thank you; this was great."

"Thank YOU," Marissa returned, impulsively deciding to be blunt. "I know you ate just to humor me."

Ryan looked up in surprise for a moment. "Busted," he chuckled wryly at length. Sometimes she startled him with how well she knew him. "I guess I figured the least I could do is eat for you, considering how badly I've already screwed things up."

"How badly YOU'VE screwed things up?" Marissa repeated dumbly, the words not quite sinking in at first.

"Come on, Marissa," Ryan sighed, avoiding her eyes and gathering up the remains of their dinner, getting up to throw them out. "We both know why we're in this. I screwed up. I flew off the handle when I found out….when I found out what Trey did." He still couldn't bring himself to say "tried to rape"; the mere thought of the words were so painful it was difficult to breathe. "I went and confronted him when I shouldn't have. Hell, I rushed him when he was holding a gun. And now you're paying the price for it."

"Ryan." Marissa followed him up and grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at her. "You think all of this is your fault?" She should have known. Of course he didn't blame her. Ryan always internalized things. Everything was HIS fault. "Ryan…" she repeated helplessly. "Come on, this isn't your fault. You aren't responsible for what Trey did. You aren't responsible for what I did."

Ryan frowned at her, faint confusion mingling in with the pain and guilt weighing on him. "What do you mean, what you did? Saved my life? You can't imagine I'd be sorry you didn't let me die."

"I should have told you what happened to begin with," Marissa said softly, letting him go and sinking down into one of his chairs, rubbing her hands over her face. "I never should have let you find out from Seth. Maybe if I'd told you, I could have stopped you somehow."

"Oh, baby," Ryan said softly, touching her hair as he realized what she'd been holding inside herself. He couldn't help smiling wryly at the irony as he knelt in front of her. Naturally, they both blamed themselves and each thought one blamed the other. Maybe they were perfect for each other, after all. "Listen to me," he said firmly, cupping her chin in his hand. "Nothing that happened is your fault. NONE of this is your responsibility. What happened to you happened to YOU. Not me. I didn't have a right to know until you decided to tell me. Besides, it's not like I proved you wrong with how I reacted."

Marissa shook her head tiredly, tears filling her eyes. "I don't know…I just feel like maybe if we learned to talk to each other a little better, things like this wouldn't happen. I mean, we got back together and I think we'd both grown up and learned from our mistakes, but we never really TALKED about it, you know? We never really talked about what went wrong."

Even as the thought of it made Ryan somewhat uncomfortable- he'd never been great at expressing his feelings- he conceded Marissa had a point. "You're right," he admitted. "We should have talked more. I don't know if I made you feel like you couldn't come to me about something like that-"

"No, no," Marissa assured him, taking his hand. "It's not about blame. We've done enough of that for one night. It's just what it is- but it doesn't have to be like that." Suddenly inspired, she gripped his hand a little tighter. "We could change that tonight." At Ryan's bemused expression, she elaborated. "So we've admitted we're not very good at talking things through- so let's talk. Let's go back to the beginning and TALK about our relationship, total honesty. Maybe we could learn from it."

"I don't know, Marissa…" Ryan began warily. The thought of talking about their entire relationship was somewhat daunting and a little frightening. They had a lot of baggage two years down the road.

"Come on," Marissa cajoled, warming to the idea. "Even apart from Trey, I want things to be different this time. I want this relationship to work."

"I do, too!" Ryan insisted a little defensively. It always stung a little that Marissa seemed to think their relationship didn't matter as much to him.

"I know," Marissa said placatingly, rubbing the top of his hand soothingly. "That's why we need to talk about it. We need to make sure neither one of us ever has issues like this again if we can help it."

Ryan had a brief internal war, his natural defenses going against the knowledge that she was right, the desperate need to make sure he didn't lose her one more time. "Alright," he finally relented, pulling her by the hand back to the bed and reclining against the pillows, wrapping her in his arms in an almost protective measure, wary of what the night's discussion would bring back to life. "Let's talk. Where do you want to start?"

Marissa shrugged as if the answer was obvious. "With that first night. The night we met."


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

"_That first night…"_

"I'll never forget it," Ryan said quietly, his mind already far off even as he held Marissa in his arms. He went back to that night, back to that moment that would turn out to be one of the most pivotal in his life. "I still remember exactly how I felt as I walked down that driveway, my mind going crazy but I was trying not to show it…and then I looked up and saw you. It was like everything else just disappeared."

Marissa remembered that moment perfectly herself. "I've thought about it a thousand times since then," she murmured, stroking the arm that held her. "You fascinated me right from the start." It was somewhat awkward to admit it so openly, but she'd been the one to push for total honesty. "I looked up and saw you, and from that one look I could just tell you were different from all the other boys I knew. Your eyes were so sad. An old soul, my father would say." She smiled a little, deciding to lighten the moment a little. "Of course, then you opened your mouth."

Ryan groaned and she instantly dissolved into giggles. "You had to go and bring that up," he sighed, nudging her playfully, wincing at the memory of his lame opening line. "I still can't believe I said that. I'm surprised you didn't throw something at me."

"Oh, I thought about it," Marissa teased. "Whoever you want me to be….that line is older than I am! I don't rate better than that?"

"I panicked!" Ryan protested, flushing a little in the way Marissa had always found too cute for words.

"You panicked?" she repeated, going off into a fresh wave of giggles. "Am I that scary?"

_She has no idea_, Ryan thought wryly. There's nothing quite like the feeling a guy gets when faced with the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. "I was intimidated," he confessed somewhat haltingly. The confession cost him, but Marissa's expression of utter bewilderment, as if she couldn't fathom why he'd be intimidated by her, made him perversely feel a little better. "You were so gorgeous, so completely out of my league. So I said something stupid and I blew it. I was convinced you'd never speak to me again, and I figured it was probably better for you that way."

Marissa's amusement faded, her heart aching for the boy he'd been, the one who was even less aware then than he was now of how truly incredible he was. She was out of HIS league? If anything, it was the other way around. "I know you have this idea you're not good enough for me," she said quietly, turning enough to look into his troubled blue eyes. "That's SO far from true. The smartest thing I ever did was bum a cigarette off you to get us talking again," she smiled. "That night turned out to be the luckiest of my life."

Ryan heard the honesty in her voice, knew she meant what she said, but couldn't trust his emotions enough to respond to such a statement. The knowledge that she believed that meant more to him than he could say, but he wasn't ready to break down over this. He pulled her closer and prayed she'd understand. "Ah, my second chance," he said teasingly, switching the mood back to lighter. "I think I did better this time."

"You did!" Marissa grinned. "I remember what really caught me; you reached in and lit my cigarette with yours." Ryan gave her a blank look and she shrugged. "I don't know. It surprised me. I thought it was cute. I started to think my initial impression was right."

"Question for you," Ryan said, realizing there may be some perks to this conversation. "Did you ever really think I was the cousin from Boston?"

Marissa laughed. "No, not really. In the back of my mind, I knew you were telling the truth the first time around; it was too crazy not to be true. I just knew that wasn't going to fly."

"I got that impression when you were talking to Sandy," Ryan mused. "I just wasn't sure. And then you went off with Luke."

It was Marissa's turn to blush. "That seems like a million years away now. But I remember that I didn't want to leave. It was the weirdest thing at the time, but I wanted to stay and talk to you. I thought that for the rest of that night."

Ryan grinned a little; it was somewhat gratifying to know he hadn't been the only one unable to forget the exchange. "Man, I still remember you on that runway," he teased.

"Ugh," Marissa groaned dramatically. "The perfect little princess. I can't believe you looked twice."

"Well, you weren't the perfect princess at the party," Ryan pointed out. "I still remember how surprised I was when I realized you were flirting with me. I didn't know at the time how…" he trailed off. This was the first of their most serious issues and he was a little wary to continue.

Marissa sighed. "You didn't realize how drunk I was? You can say it. We're going to have to throughout this."

Ryan nodded wearily, accepting the truth of that. "I didn't know how drunk you were. I thought you and Luke had that kind of relationship." Marissa tensed in surprise against him and he winced. Inadvertently, he'd brought up something that had haunted him in later days. "I guess you don't know this part. I saw Luke go off with another girl at the party."

Marissa was quiet for a long time. "I didn't know that," she said evenly at length. Logically, she knew there was no point in being angry at that, but it rankled. Had he told her earlier, it would have spared a lot of humiliation.

"I didn't think it was my business at the time," Ryan tried to explain, sensing her annoyance. "I didn't even know you."

"And when you did?" she shot back. "When we became friends? More than friends?"

"We'll get to that," Ryan said quietly but firmly. "Suffice it to say I've never involved myself in those things before, and I didn't really think you'd believe me. I wasn't objective."

Marissa sighed heavily. "I would have believed you, but I get why you might think I wouldn't." She relaxed, her anger fading away. "Okay, let's go on. So we flirted at the party, but Seth told everyone you were from Chino and you ran off, so the next time…"

"The next time I saw you, you were passed out in your driveway," Ryan said bluntly, this time not bothering to hesitate. He had to give Marissa credit; she took the comment stoically.

"Not my finest moment," she said quietly. "But you took care of me. You were maybe the first person to realize I had a problem and take care of me anyway."

Ryan digested that; it was probably true. "I've always wanted to protect you," he admitted. "From the first time I saw you, you brought out that streak in me like no one else. I couldn't just leave you there."

Marissa still remembered waking up, so carefully and gently tucked into bed. It was one of the kindest things anyone had ever done for her. "I guess that's when it really started," she said softly. "That's when I knew how different you were. Even if I didn't know it at the time, there was no going back from there."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_"So the next time I saw you…"_

"Well, other than in the car when you were driving away-"

"You remember that?" Ryan interrupted, startled. He hadn't thought he'd made enough of an impression on her at that point for her to keep such a small moment in her memory.

"Of course!" Marissa said, surprised he'd ask. "It was stupid, but I was so upset when I saw you leaving. I'd planned to find you again when I could come off a little more dignified and thank you. Then I saw you were leaving and I thought I'd never see you again. It shook me," Marissa admitted. "It made me sad. The thought stayed with me all day."

Ryan found himself suddenly glad they were having this conversation. It was nice to know she'd thought about him from the beginning as much as he'd thought about her. "So other than that…" he began, moving on. "I guess the next time we saw each other was in the driveway again."

Marissa remembered it vividly; her feelings of shock and…happiness to see him standing there when she'd thought he was gone forever. "I was happy to see you," she smiled a little. "It felt a little like a dream."

"Until I hassled you?" Ryan teased wryly, a little weirded out at being referred to as 'like a dream'. 

"Even then." Marissa's words surprised him and he looked at her, startled. She shrugged. "I was basically screaming for help in the only way I knew how…and no one ever noticed. Not until you."

Ryan mulled over her words. "You blew me off about it," he pointed out.

Marissa sighed. "I don't think I was quite ready to FACE it yet, but I always appreciated you caring in the back of my mind. Besides, Seth came up right then in his oh-so-stealth moves-" Ryan snorted "-and you challenged me to come with you guys."

"Hey!" Ryan protested. "When did I do that?"

"Oh, COME ON." Marissa shoved him playfully. "Your little comment about the Newport social scene, the way you raised your eyebrows at me? It was totally a challenge!"

"Well…okay, yeah," Ryan admitted, grinning a little. "I guess it was. But I was still surprised when you came."

Marissa smiled, her mind traveling back to that time with him in the model home. "I had more fun with you and Seth those couple days than I had in years," she admitted. "Talking to you about things I never talked about, having you talk to me the same way, hunting down stuff to bring to you…I felt so free. I felt like I could just be me for the first time."

Ryan remembered those early days, remembered how entranced he'd been by this incredibly beautiful girl who suddenly proved she was much more than simply beautiful. Remembered how touched he'd been that she cared. "I was glad you kept coming back, even if I would have never said it back then," he smiled faintly. "It meant a lot that you cared what happened to me. And you were fun. I didn't expect that. I never knew what you were going to do or say next, and I loved that. I loved when you did things like make me a CD or get on the back of my bike."

"I never wanted that to end," Marissa said quietly. "I was so sad when I thought you were going to Texas. I wanted you to stay somewhere where I could see you. I didn't want to lose that feeling of freedom. But you seemed determined to leave and I couldn't just let you go without doing anything…so I came to you that night."

Even as she said the words, a kaleidoscope of memories cascaded through her mind. Her wariness about taking the plunge into something new with Ryan…her decision that she couldn't simply let him leave…her hopefulness when she showed up…the pain and humiliation when he turned her away.

"I wanted you to stay," Ryan said quietly, lifting a hand to stroke through her hair as if in apology. "God, I wanted you so badly. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that you came that night."

"But you still told me to leave." Marissa's voice was so soft it was almost a whisper. She was almost afraid to raise it; she was surprised at how fresh the pain of that memory still was. "I would have slept with you that night. REALLY slept with you, no matter what I said later. But you told me to leave."

Ryan winced. It had been the first time he'd really hurt her, and he still remembered being taken aback at how hurting her hurt HIM so much. The first taste of what was to come: when she hurt, so did he. "All I can say is I didn't want to use you. I didn't want you to be just some girl. And I knew if you stayed, I'd never leave."

Marissa simply nodded. She understood his reasoning, even with how much it had hurt her. "So I ran off," she sighed. "And I didn't speak up when you were arrested or come see you when you were in jail. I didn't think you wanted me there."

"I did and I didn't at the same time," Ryan admitted. "I always want to see you, no matter what I might say. But I'm glad you didn't see me like that."

Marissa sighed, once again aching for that boy in prison who didn't think he deserved anyone caring about him. "It wouldn't have changed how I felt about you," she said simply, and hoped that would be enough. Ryan's arms tightened around her and she smiled a little, knowing it was even harder for him than for her to say things out loud. "And then you got out," she continued. "But you pushed me to Luke, and I went even though I shouldn't have because it was easy and safe. It was never the same; I wanted to be with you all the time."

"So did I," Ryan confessed. "I just thought it was better like that, thought you'd be happier like that. Because I was leaving, and I couldn't give you any promises. And then, all of the sudden, I was staying. For good. And one of the first things I thought after I started getting settled in with the Cohens was that changed all the rules with you. So then came…"

"Our debut," Marissa finished for him.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_Little disclaimer: I do have Ryan internalize his thoughts a little more than Marissa up to now. I try to show what he's thinking, but Ryan is naturally somewhat more defensive than Marissa, so it's going to be a bit of a slow process for him to say what he feels, even as much as she does. I just don't want Ryan to be TOO out of character here._

"So then came…our debut."

"When I found out you were staying in town, I was feeling a million things at once," Marissa remembered. "More than anything, I was happy for you. I knew you'd get at least something close to the life you deserved, more than you would if you went back to Chino or with your mother or something. And I was happy for me, too, as confusing as it was. Selfishly, I wanted to see you every day, even if it hurt. Most of all, I regretted getting back together with Luke so quickly when I knew in some way that what I felt for you meant so much more."

Ryan shook his head, glad he had her in his arms as he thought back to those early days when even touching her seemed so out of range, so forbidden. "I was kicking myself for pushing you away so hard at that point. I mean, part of me still thought you were better off away from me, but that part wasn't as loud anymore when I was there to stay."

Marissa giggled. "I had my first real experience with jealousy over you around that time." Ryan stared at her blankly and she elaborated. "Summer outlined her plan of how she was going to seduce you to me. It pissed me off." She dissolved into a fit of laughter as Ryan looked utterly mortified.

"Uh, that's one of those things you can feel free to gloss right over," Ryan muttered, making her laugh all the harder. The last thing he needed to hear about was how his best friend's girl once planned to seduce him. "You know, I was planning on canceling on you for cotillion when I came to your house," he brought up, eager to change the subject.

"What?" Marissa protested, shoving him as her giggles faded. "Ryan!"

"You're gonna hassle me about that before we get to how I actually cancelled on Anna?" Ryan laughed. Marissa rolled her eyes at him and settled back into the crook of his arm with a 'hrmph'. "But yeah, I was convinced I was going to somehow start a fight, so I decided I wasn't going. Then you opened your door." That memory was still crystal clear in Ryan's mind; the wave of desire and longing that hit him like a fist in the gut when he first saw her in the gown, the way his hands were shaking slightly as his skin brushed against hers. "Oh man," he had to laugh now. "I don't think I've ever wanted anything so badly in my life as I wanted you in that doorway, or later on when we danced. I totally forgot what I was there for; I had to see more."

Marissa smiled against his chest at the description. The way he looked at her was addictive, and that had been the first time it hit her full force. No one had ever looked at her like she was so precious, so beautiful, so desired for who she was, not just how she looked. She'd almost fallen head first into it when they danced, and on some subconscious level, she'd known even back then she wouldn't be able to give it up. "I loved the way you made me feel back then," she said simply aloud. "I wanted to be around you all the time. I was SO happy to see you at that party."

"You surprised me that night!" Ryan commented. "I didn't expect you to be so determined to talk to me, or stand up to Luke like you did. I was trying so hard to stay out of trouble for the Cohens, but you tossed Luke's attitude right back in his face and I wanted to laugh SO hard. Then he started ordering you around and I got pissed off."

"Oh God, that was embarrassing," Marissa groaned. "I was surprised when you stood up for me, mainly because no one else ever had. And then Luke hit you for it. I wanted to sink into the floor. I still can't believe I ever considered a relationship with him after that."  
Ryan inwardly grinned at the anger in her voice as she talked about Luke hitting him. He wondered if she was aware how protective she'd become over the years. "So that was when I definitely decided I wasn't going to Cotillion," he said aloud. "It just wasn't worth the possible disaster. Not until you showed up at the door, anyway."

"Something was just drawing me to you that night," Marissa remembered. "For some reason, I knew I could handle the event if you and I walked in together. So I swallowed my pride and asked you to come." She smiled, something faintly self deprecating in the expression. "The truth is, I knew Luke would probably flip out and I didn't care. Maybe I even wanted him to on some level. I couldn't seem to end it myself; maybe I could get him to."

Ryan chuckled. "I won't lie; I was mainly glad when he stormed off. Gave me the perfect opening."

Marissa laughed, the memory of realizing Ryan would be her Cotillion date after all still having a faintly giddy note to it. "When you asked me…everything just felt perfect in that moment, you know? It would have been wrong to do that with Luke. I wouldn't have been happy; I would have thought about you the whole time. When we walked off that stage together, I thought everything was going better than I could have hoped for. When we were dancing, I felt like I was floating."

"Even with my dancing?" Ryan asked skeptically.

Marissa giggled a little. "Even then," she said, pushing him playfully. "I thought it was cute! It made you more….real somehow. And I loved that you danced with me even though you hated it."

"I didn't hate it with you," Ryan admitted a little bashfully. "I was actually having a good time; I felt like things in Newport might really work."

"And then my dad shot it all to hell," Marissa sighed. "Though you know, looking back? That's hardly the worst thing that could have happened. There are worse things in the world than what happened that night."

Ryan frowned, the resigned tone in her voice making him inexplicably saddened. She was right, of course. Still, he remembered how he'd wanted to shield her from that truth that night. Some job he'd done. Marissa had certainly grown up, but at a heavy price.

"It was sweet when you gave me your jacket, though," Marissa was saying, pulling Ryan out of even darker thoughts. "I appreciated it. Then Luke came along AGAIN." She sighed. "I should have told him to go to hell and left with you."

"Hey, I was just happy you didn't leave with him," Ryan shrugged. "My opening was still there, and in that moment, I decided to take it. So the next time I saw you, I asked you out- and you shot me down." He tickled her side playfully.

"Hey!" Marissa protested, even as she giggled and squirmed. "In my defense, I was really going into emotional mess territory at that point. I didn't even know what I was saying. I spent the next 24 hours wishing I'd said yes."

"Well, lucky for you I swallowed my pride and gave you another chance," Ryan teased.

"And then you blew it," Marissa shot back.

"And then I blew it," Ryan conceded, taking his lickings where they were due. "I was afraid you'd never speak to me again after I stood you up. Unintentional as it was."

Marissa laughed. "It's not such a big deal now, especially since I know Seth better. And he DID do his own version of groveling."

"The one time he interfered that I appreciated," Ryan said wryly. "Whatever the case, I finally got my date with you."

The memories that flashed through Marissa's head of that night were achingly bittersweet. Coming up to see Ryan so carefully making sure her sandwich was perfect- no guy had every done anything like that for her before- sharing the meal in that atmosphere that has such a perfect mix of anticipation and awkwardness, something that can only work in the very early days of a relationship. "I had such a good time that night," she said softly. "Even with all my family crap. I was so…taken by your kindness and your concern, the way nothing seemed to matter to you but how I was doing. I didn't even know how to respond to it, but it meant so much to me." She poked him playfully to lighten things up. "And it was made all the better by you wet in the pool."

Ryan burst out laughing. "That was definitely the highlight of MY evening," he teased, still remembering how frustrated he'd been later on. "I wanted to throw the phone out the damn window that night," he sighed.

Marissa moaned in commiseration. "I was right there with you. If I had kissed you that night…" she trailed off, but the meaning was clear. _If I had kissed you, I wouldn't have been able to turn away for a second. If we had just kissed, maybe it would have stopped what's coming next._

Ryan flinched. They were coming up on the first time she had truly hurt him, which had started a spiral of lashing out at each other that ended in disaster. More than anything they'd talked about yet, he was wary of going down this road. And they were just getting started.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

_disclaimer: This is the first of a few "in between" chapters I have planned. It's entirely made up, flashbacks to events that will have happened over the summer. This one is more from Marissa's POV, so the next will be from Ryan's. Don't worry, all the issues covered here will be talked about even more thoroughly when I finally reach the Trey episodes_

Ryan glanced up at the clock and realized with a start how late it was; they'd ended up talking until almost two in the morning. "It's late," he sighed, rubbing his eyes. "How about we keep this stuff until the morning; it's going to be hard to hash over." He saw the protest in her eyes and knew she thought he was going to try to get out of it. "Hey, hey," he said soothingly, stroking her hair. "If you want, you can stay here tonight and we can spend the whole day tomorrow doing this. That way you might even be able to guilt me into getting some sleep and having three meals."

Marissa arched a brow playfully, easily seeing the appeal of spending the entire day with her boyfriend and keeping her eye on his sleeping and eating habits at the same time. "If Sandy's cool with me staying here, why didn't I find out earlier?" she teased.

"You know, we never had that talk?" Ryan commented, laughing a little. "Anyway, I think he's long beyond caring about whether or not we share a bed."

He had a point there. "Okay," Marissa readily agreed. "So we pick up where we left off tomorrow morning over breakfast?"

"Sounds like a plan." Ryan leaned in to give her a long, lingering kiss before turning out the lights, then turning back to engulf her in his arms. Marissa snuggled inside them, positioning it so they were spooning the way they had been almost two years ago, in one of the moments that was bound to come up soon in their conversation.

"I love you," Ryan whispered in her hair. A sweet, somewhat sad smile crossed Marissa's lips as she remembered the first time, about a month ago, they'd actually exchanged the words.

_Marissa wearily entered her bedroom. She had spent hours being questioned by the police about Trey's shooting, but she'd been perversely somewhat sorry they let her go. Now she had to spend hour upon silent hour reflecting on the events of the night. She could still feel the cold metal of the gun in her hand, still see the look in Trey's eyes as he turned to confront her before collapsing. More than anything, she could still see the horror on Ryan's face when it sank in what had happened to Trey. Time might fade some of the memories, but she doubted it would do much good on that one._

She absently glanced up as she went to put her keys on her dresser- and froze. Ryan was sitting on her bed, silently watching her. He rose when their eyes met, moving somewhat slowly and painfully due to his obvious injuries. For a long moment, they simply stared at each other. Ryan had a haunted look in his eyes, one she had no doubt she'd see on her own face if she looked in the mirror. Marissa was paralyzed temporarily, unsure if Ryan wanted her to move any closer or if he was here to tell her he never wanted her to touch him again. All of the sudden, she caught a flash of vulnerability in Ryan's eyes and realized he had the same fear she did. As if reading each other's minds, they moved towards each other. Marissa wasn't sure who began the embrace; she supposed it didn't matter. Within seconds, they were so tightly entwined it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended.

"I was so worried about you," Ryan murmured into her neck. "I'd barely said anything to you on the way to the hospital and next thing I knew, the cops had taken you off. I was worried they were going to arrest you or something."

"Sandy got them to release me; said it's a clear cut case of defense of others," Marissa explained, her tone making it clear she didn't particularly want to go further than that. She pulled away enough to see his face, running a gentle hand over the bruises. "God, you should still be in the hospital," she said in distress. "Look at you. Let me at least try to clean you up a little." She turned and went into the bathroom, ignoring Ryan's weak protests. The truth was, she wasn't entirely sure she was ready for the conversation that was about to come and she needed at least a second to gather her thoughts.

She ran a hand cloth under some cool water and grabbed a package of band-aids from under the sink. She glanced absently at herself in the mirror. Sudden nausea rose, hot and fierce, as she saw faint discolored patches on her shirt. Vaguely, she recalled trying to see if Trey was alive.

Trey's blood.

She ripped off the clothes as quickly as she could, grabbing the robe that hung on the back of her door and tying it on. Breathing deeply to calm her stomach, she leaned her head against the cool tile of the walls for a long moment before she was steady enough to go back into the room. She grabbed the cloth and opened the door, smiling weakly at Ryan who had resumed sitting on her bed.

He watched her with his quiet, observant eyes. "You okay?" he asked softly as she rounded the bed and came to stand in front of him. Unable to lie outright, she simply shrugged. Gently, she took his face in one hand and ran the cloth over the worst of the cuts and bruises on his face, trying to wipe some of the blood and grit away. Ryan closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "That feels good, thanks," he said huskily.

"How did you not get this taken care of in the hospital?" Marissa lightly scolded him. "What if you have broken ribs or something?" 

"I don't; I'd know." Marissa didn't dare touch that; he was upset enough as it was. "Honestly, I barely even noticed until I left the hospital. I was running on adrenaline." Opening his eyes, he attempted to smile faintly at her, but his gaze caught on her chest. Frowning, slightly, he went to push her robe aside. Too late, Marissa realized her mistake. In her desperate attempt to get the bloody clothes off, she'd forgotten to make any attempt to hide her fading but still very visible bruises.

Ryan stared as if transfixed for a moment, unable to tear his eyes away from the ugly marks marring her otherwise flawless skin. His breathing got heavier; Marissa recognized the now familiar signs that he was quickly losing control. Marissa opened her mouth to say something, but was overwhelmed by flashes of the brutal attack on the beach that she'd somehow believed wouldn't be quite so painful or terrifying by now. Wordlessly, she moved to sink into a chair that was close by her bed, unable to figure out how to begin the conversation she'd dreaded since the attack. She closed her eyes as tears slipped silently down her face.

"God," Ryan muttered at length, burying his face in his hands. "How could I have not known? The signs-" he laughed in a way that was so harsh and bitter, it almost sounded like he was crying "the signs were there. And I know all of them. The way you flinched when I went to touch you…" his voice was shaking, raw with grief and pain. Part of Marissa ached to hold him; the other part was too traumatized to know how. Dully she wondered, as she had a thousand times since the attack, if she'd ever feel completely at ease again.

"Oh God, I accused you of cheating on me," Ryan whispered. This time there were tears in his eyes and Marissa found her voice at last.

"You couldn't have known," Marissa said shakily. "I didn't tell you. It must have looked suspicious."

"I SHOULD have known!" Ryan raised his voice abruptly. "It isn't anything I haven't seen a thousand times before, coming from where I come from. How did I not see it in the girl I love?"

Somewhere deep inside, underneath the pain, shame, and misery, Marissa's heart responded to the impulsive declaration of love. Aloud, she said simply "You weren't looking. How could you have imagined this?"

Ryan shook his head, seeming even closer to tears than before. "What happened?" he finally burst out. He seemed to almost immediately want to retract the question, but it was out there and Marissa knew she had to answer.

"We were on the beach," Marissa said lifelessly, trying to distance herself from the memory. Trying to be an outsider in her own mind. "We'd had some margs, but I felt…strange. Alcohol doesn't usually affect me that much. Anyway, I wanted to clear my head so I suggested going for a walk. Trey stayed behind; he said he needed a jacket. I guess that's when he took the coke. In the back of my head, I knew he'd taken something when he caught up with me. He was acting so off…howling at the moon and talking so fast I could barely understand him. I decided to make up an excuse to leave…but then he focused on me." She swallowed hard; this part wasn't so easy to distance herself from. "He kept talking about how we weren't so different and he'd seen the way I looked at him, how no one had been this nice to him." She raised tearful, pleading eyes to Ryan's tormented ones. "I tried to tell him it was that he was your brother. I didn't look at him ANY way. He was your brother."

Ryan opened his mouth to speak. Instead, for the first time that Marissa could remember, the tears in his eyes started to fall down his face. Wordlessly, he got up off the bed and came to kneel in front of her.

Marissa shook her head to clear it somewhat, the tears falling faster and her breathing coming harder. "No matter what I said, he wouldn't listen to me. When I brought you up, he got angry, like he thought I was saying he wasn't as good as you are. I tried to walk away, but he was holding onto me so tightly…" Ryan took a deep, shuddering breath. "The rest of it happened so fast, it's all a blur. I fell…he was on top of me…I thought I wasn't going to be able to get away, but I saw a branch and I managed to hit him over the head with it. He grabbed me again, but I got away and ran off." She couldn't bring herself to mention Trey's crazed ramblings or the way he'd literally tried to scratch her clothes off. It was too humiliating, too cruel to say to Ryan. He didn't need to live with that much.

In a sudden move, Ryan startled her by burying his face in her lap. Marissa opened her mouth, but words wouldn't come as tears slid silently down her face. Hesitantly, she placed her hands over his head and they silently grieved together for the last bit of innocence that had been taken from them.

"It wasn't your fault," Ryan said raggedly, raising his face to meet her eyes. "I tried to say that before…it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything to encourage him."

Marissa shrugged wearily. "I don't even know anymore. Everything is so mixed up inside my head, I don't know what's true from what's not."

Ryan closed his eyes. "That's why you freaked out," he mumbled, more to himself than anything. "I ended up on top of you and you freaked out." He groaned.

Marissa couldn't bring herself to talk about that night; she was too worn out. "I wish I would have told you myself," she said dully. "I wish something would have happened to prevent tonight."

"Tonight, you saved my life," Ryan said fiercely. Marissa was almost startled by the vehemence in his voice. "I know we're going to have to go over it more later, but you…you just saved my life." Marissa almost collapsed in relief; he didn't blame her for tonight.

"Thank you," she said so softly, it was almost a whisper. "I needed to hear that."

"I love you." He spoke the words so quietly, so quickly, Marissa almost thought she imagined them until she looked in his eyes and saw the truth of the emotion in them. He'd only said them once before; they hadn't lost any of their power. If anything, they'd gained some. She almost joked that it was supposed to go the other way around for them, but they'd had enough joking about this. They'd each brushed it off enough times.

"I love you, too," she responded, her voice clear and without doubt for the first time all night. Simply, sweetly, they kissed. And for the first time in a long time, Trey wasn't there. It was only Ryan.

"I love you, too." Ryan smiled at her words, remembering the same night she did. Remembering how desperate he'd been to see her, how gently she'd tried to take care of him. Remembering the horror of seeing her bruises and the pain as she heartbreakingly told her story, as brutal and overwhelming as any pain he'd ever felt in his life. He remembered how helpless he'd felt, how he'd wanted to throw up as she described his brother brutalizing her. But thankfully, most of all, he was able to remember that she loved him. With that thought, he drifted off to the best sleep he'd had in weeks.

(The Next Morning)

Marissa groggily awoke to the smell of blueberry bagels and fresh coffee. "Mmmmm," she murmured, burying her face in the pillow that so wonderfully smelled like Ryan. "Someone's found a way to get on my good side."

"Good morning," Ryan chuckled, waving the coffee in front of her until she was forced to sit up and grab it. "I decided if we're going to start heavy on the conversation topics, we might as well get off to a good start."

"My hero," Marissa sighed playfully, grabbing a bagel. "But it's not going to detract me. Where did we leave off?"

Ryan laughed and sat cross legged across from her, then turned more serious as he answered.

"We left off around the time you were deciding to go back to Luke."


	6. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I put in a little mention of Ryan thinking about sex in here because it's SIMPLY NOT NATURAL that he doesn't talk about it, lol! It's just a thought and it's really subtle, but it probably won't be so subtle the next time;) Also, I struggled a little with The Girlfriend, so I hope it's halfway decent._

**Chapter Five**

_"We left off around the time you were deciding to go back to Luke."_

Marissa sighed and bit back a retort at his comment that she hadn't decided anything; she knew how he felt about that. "So it's the time period after that guy brought the gun to the party," she said patiently, noticing Ryan relax slightly before she went on. If Ryan was already tense before they got started, it wasn't exactly a good sign. She thought carefully before speaking again; this was going to be particularly difficult to explain. "I guess what I was feeling most of all was confused," she said at length. "At the time, you represented something to me- change, a new life. It was almost like if I decided to accept how much I wanted to be with you, it solidified that my life would never be the same. Luke was familiar. At the time, I stupidly thought he was the safe choice."

"I wasn't trying to represent anything," Ryan mumbled, looking anywhere but her as he remembered that time. "I just wanted to be with you. And it felt like no matter what I did, you wanted Luke more. Every time I turned around, you were with Luke. Every time I tried to reach out to you, Luke got there first." It had been like a fist in the gut, every time he'd seen her with Luke or she spoke Luke's name to him. It was odd, how he could still remember that pain so perfectly after all this time, still remember how it had confused him at the time because he'd never felt like that before.

"I hadn't made any decision yet," Marissa said, gently and carefully. "I honestly didn't know what I was going to do."

"It felt like you had to me," Ryan shot back defensively, crossing his arms across his chest.

"I understand why you felt like that, but the fact remains is that I hadn't," Marissa insisted, still trying to keep her tone on an even keel. "I'm not saying that like I think you should have known; there's no way you could have. I'm just saying that's how it was. I was constantly fighting with myself about what I wanted- and that was you, there's no question about that- and what I thought was safe."

"And what you thought was appropriate," he muttered, still not looking at her.

For a moment, the comment didn't sink in for Marissa. When it did, her face paled. "That's not fair," she said quietly, her voice shaking slightly. "I've never given you any indication I thought you weren't good enough because of where you come from, or that Luke was better than you because he's from Newport Beach and you're from Chino. That never mattered to me at all. Those are not my issues."

Ryan winced; as always, her quiet hurt took him down like no outburst of anger ever could. "I'm sorry," he said reluctantly, meeting her eyes at last. "That was a low blow. You're right; you never said or did anything like that."

Marissa stared at him for a moment, then decided to drop it and move on. "I guess that brings us to the party," she said, her voice dropping to almost a whisper. Ryan tensed, but didn't respond. "I wished I was there with you. I did," she almost pleaded. "From the second you asked me, I wish you'd done it first, or that I'd just had the guts to turn Luke down."

Ryan shrugged. "Seemed to be having a pretty good time to me," he said coolly.

"So did you," Marissa fired back, irrationally frustrated that he couldn't seem to try to see her side of things, knowing she wasn't being much better.

Ryan groaned in frustration. "Fine. Yes, I screwed up. I was hurt, an older woman was coming onto me, and I just wanted to go back to a time when sex meant nothing. Not my proudest moment. I admit that. But it wasn't a good reason for you to run off and lose your virginity to Luke."

Marissa flinched. "No one ever said it was, Ryan," she snapped, restlessly getting off the bed and pacing around the pool house. "You get so caught up in whose fault it is, in whether or not people have a right to feel the way they feel, and you blow right past the fact that people FEEL whether they have a right to or not. Of course it's not your fault I went and slept with Luke! It was a stupid thing to do, and I've regretted it every day since then. But we need to get this out before we get any further, because what I did then wasn't the last time I did something like it. Sometimes people just HURT, Ryan. Right or wrong, sometimes things just hurt and you end up acting like an idiot as a result. It doesn't always matter whose fault it is; people just get hurt." Ending her tirade, she took a few deep breaths as she and Ryan stared at each other for a long minute.

"Well, I guess you told me," Ryan said finally. Marissa softened as she caught the underlying vulnerability in his tone and went to sit back on the bed, taking his hand and feeling relieved when he didn't try to avoid the physical connection.

"I have an idea why you do that," she said more gently. Ryan raised his brows and she elaborated. "You think everything's your fault, so you never really allow yourself to feel hurt. When you do, nine times out of ten you push it aside instead of just letting yourself be. I'm not trying to slam you for some mistreatment of me. You need to be able to say when I hurt you too, even if it wasn't my fault."

Ryan softened, clearly relaxing when he realized she wasn't attacking him. "You've got a point," he admitted, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "Okay. When it comes to hurt feelings, I'll try to back off the blame game a little, whether I'm blaming you OR me." He sighed deeply, entwining their fingers. "So I was…I was hurt when I thought you were with Luke, and I ended up with Gabrielle. And then you came in."

Marissa tried not to flinch; she remembered how humiliated and hurt she'd been. "I wasn't rationally mad at you. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't mad, but I knew deep down I had no right to me. On some level, I was mad at myself," she admitted. "I'd waited too long and you'd lost interest- or so I thought," she clarified when he opened his mouth to protest. "I had my own insecurities back then, too. I didn't understand why you'd like me any more than you understood why I'd like you." She almost laughed at Ryan's flabbergasted expression. "You don't give yourself nearly enough credit," she lightly teased him. "You were just as fascinating to me as I was to you. I had no idea why you'd be interested in me beyond a pretty face."

The thought was incomprehensible to Ryan; the princess was worried about how the loser felt about HER back then? Still, it made him feel somewhat better. The tightness in his chest eased a little; it helped to know just how close the reasoning behind what she did with Luke was to his for Gabrielle. It helped him say the next part. "So you ran off. And you took Luke with you."

Marissa shook her head; it was strange that she already felt tired so early in the morning. "I've regretted it every single day ever since. I know just about nobody has a great first sexual experience, but I still wish I would have known better. I wasn't happy before and I was even less happy afterwards."

Despite the pain it had caused him at the time, Ryan's heart ached for Marissa now. Ever since he'd met her, events had steadily chipped away at the innocence he'd seen in her during the early days where she rode around on the back of his bike. He wished this hadn't been one more thing. "You know," he began, looking for a way to make her feel better "after you left, Gabrielle came to find me." Marissa gave him a skeptical 'please-tell-me-there's-a-point-to-this-I'll-want-to-hear' expression and he grinned before continuing. "She told me I looked miserable, and then- and it confused me at the time- told me she was jealous. Because if I was that miserable, I must be in love."

In spite of herself, Marissa felt a smile creeping over her face as her heart swelled at the implications of the story and of Ryan telling it to her; he wouldn't have if Gabrielle had been wrong. "Hmmm," she mused. "Maybe she wasn't ALL bad, after all." She giggled as Ryan tousled her hair affectionately, but her smile faded when she remembered their next meeting. "I shouldn't have been so cold to you outside my house," she said sadly.

Ryan pressed his lips together; that memory hurt most of all their early days together. "That was really hard," he admitted. "I know now why you reacted that way; I guess I didn't react much better to seeing you with Luke. But that…" _that almost killed me_, he silently finished. Some things he just couldn't say aloud. As if sensing the words, Marissa lifted up his arm and snuggled into him, almost like she was trying to tell him he had her now.

"I shouldn't have been like that," she said simply. "More than that, I should have waited just a little bit longer."

_Wouldn't have been that little an amount of time_, Ryan thought silently but wisely decided against saying that out loud. "So the next time we saw each other, we pissed each other off," he said wryly, referring to their brief meeting in the Crab Shack.

Marissa could smile about the memory now. "I just keep thinking how YOUNG we were back then, even though it technically was a couple of years ago," she laughed. "We were so bratty to each other. I think I hit a low point on the way to TJ, when I wouldn't take the water from you."

"Oh, right," Ryan mused. "You WERE a brat." He ducked a smack, laughing. "We called a temporary truce because of Seth and Summer's lovely little 'bonding' experience-" Marissa groaned "-but we were right back to fighting at the vending machines."

"Yeah, but the only thing I remember about that is you telling me you thought about me every day," Marissa grinned. Ryan flushed a little and the grin widened. He still had SOME of that little boy sweetness she'd fallen so hard for in the beginning. 

"None of it seemed important after you got the call from your dad, though," Ryan remembered, glancing up at her from under her lashes and surprised at her lack of reaction beyond a faint flicker of pain. She caught his surprise and shrugged.

"I said it earlier," she sighed. "Things that seemed like the end of the world two years ago? Just don't hold the importance now that they did then. I'm glad it called off our fighting, though." She snuggled closer to him. "I still remember how good it felt to wake up to you the next morning. You know, I was awake for like an hour before you woke up? I pretended to be asleep when Seth and Summer left, but I just wanted to stay there forever being held by you. I kept thinking that this is how it's supposed to feel waking up next to a guy. Honestly, even when I told you I was going to find Luke, I'm not sure how much longer it would have lasted. I just wasn't happy with him, and it was getting so much harder to deny that, particularly with how good you made me feel." She reached up and kissed his cheek. "That's another thing I forgot; how sweet you were about my parents. Trust me when I tell you, it was a nice contrast to Luke's response."

Ryan smirked. "Luke and I came to an understanding, but I can't say that surprises me. Sensitivity wasn't his middle name."

Marissa rolled her eyes. "Understatement of the century." She bit her lip. "So then….we decided to go to TJ."  
Ryan looked at her warily. "You going to be okay with this? We can skip it; it affected you more than it affected us."

Marissa shook her head. "No; it's important." She took a deep breath. "You know, right before we ran into Luke at that club…I was thinking for the millionth time how much I wished you were my boyfriend instead. We were having so much fun. I felt so relaxed around you. Then we saw him with Holly."

Ryan still recalled with crystal clarity the look of horror, pain, and betrayal on Marissa's face that night. He still remembered how her pain had cut through him with a knife in the way that had almost become familiar by then. "God, I wanted to kick myself." She looked at him blankly. "For not telling you sooner about what I'd seen at that first party," he explained. "When I saw the look on your face, I thought maybe I could have spared you just a little bit of that pain. I'd even thought about telling you before, but I thought I'd just look like a petty jackass. I wasn't even sure if you'd believe me."

Marissa found that wasn't as annoying as it had been the previous night. "I would have believed you, like I said before. Honestly, I was looking for something to end it, if not that. But I get why you might not tell me. I don't usually involve myself in situations like that, either. And any heartbreak I was feeling wasn't for the reasons you might think. I was humiliated; I felt like such an idiot. He'd been sleeping with half the town and I had NO clue. But heartbreak?" She smiled sadly, reaching up to touch his cheek. "That was about you." It was Ryan's turn to look at her blankly. "I realized I'd lost you for nothing," she explained. "I took what I thought was the safe road and it wasn't safe at all. I realized how incredibly NOT worth it the whole thing was. I think in that moment I accepted both that I loved you and that I'd lost you, all for nothing." She shook her head wearily. "Between all that and everything with my family, I felt totally alone. And we know what happened next."

A shudder went through Ryan's body. As long as he lived, he would never forget finding her in that alley. He would never forget the bone chilling fear, the icy numbness that had swept over him when he saw her lifeless body. "I couldn't let myself think that you were dead," he remembered, his voice husky. "There was a little voice in the back of my head, but I wouldn't let myself hear it. I just couldn't…I couldn't even comprehend it. I didn't want to be in a world that didn't have you in it."

Marissa opened her mouth to speak, but found herself too overwhelmed by his sweet, touching honesty to form words. She simply held him closer. "I'm lucky I had you," she finally whispered. "You didn't give up on me that night, and so you saved my life."


	7. Chapter 6

_I know these are shipper happy episodes, but because they were so happy and Ryan and Marissa were so open with each other at this point, there wasn't a whole lot to discuss so it's mainly sappy reminiscing and a set up for the next in betweener._

**Chapter Six**

_"You saved my life."_

Ryan smiled tenderly and kissed Marissa's forehead. _I saved my own life, too_, he wanted to say. He wondered if there would be a point in this conversation, if there would EVER be a point, where he could really say all the things he was feeling. Probably not. He'd work on his talking skills as best he could, but at the end of the day he'd have to find ways to show her how he felt and hope that would be enough. "It's almost anticlimactic, what happened next," he commented aloud. "Most of our problems in the relationship were minor and petty for awhile; and we didn't even have any for the next couple weeks."

"I loved that time," Marissa smiled softly. "Even with all the crap that was going on with my family. I woke up in the hospital and KNEW I wanted to survive, and I wanted to do it with you. I felt so connected to you during that whole time. And as soon as you came to visit me and brought me flowers, I just knew we were going to take it to another level as soon as things calmed down."

"I wish I'd had your confidence," Ryan said dryly. "Of course, your mother didn't help when she threatened to have me tossed back in juevie if I ever set another foot near you."

Marissa gaped at him. "She actually said it like THAT?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah, she wasn't too happy with me," Ryan sighed. He felt like he was thinking back on another lifetime. Never could he have imagined that less than two years later Julie would be coming to him for help with Marissa. "She said I almost got you killed."

"Oh my God," Marissa groaned, burying her face in his shoulder. "Ryan, you know that's not true, right? That whole thing had SO little to do with you, and absolutely nothing to do with anything you'd done to me. If anything, you were the reason I pulled myself out."

Ryan considered his words carefully. "I know that now," he said at length. "And I think part of me understood that then. But Julie makes it easy for you to blame yourself sometimes."

"That's the truth," Marissa said wryly. "But she's gotten better. Or my tolerance level has gotten higher, one or the other."

Ryan cracked up. "Do you have any idea how different you are about your mother now?" he chuckled. "It's a complete power flip. You hold all the cards. I remember how scared you were back then that she'd lock you away."

"I guess I am; I don't really think about it all that much," Marissa mused. "I just remember that you were my salvation back then. Every time I needed you, you were there. You were the first person who ever stood up to my mother for me." She took his hand in hers and kissed it. "I'll never forget you confronting her. My knight in shining armor," she said playfully.

Ryan smiled even as his cheeks reddened a little. "I just remember feeling like I was gonna pass out when you kissed my cheek," he laughed quietly. "At the time, I never thought we'd even get that close. That built up my confidence a little, and I started asking you out every time I saw you."

Marissa giggled. "That was so sweet!" She ignored Ryan's 'I-am-not-sweet' glare, lost in her memories of that time. "You were really open with me back then; it made me feel so good that you wanted to be around me so much."

He'd wanted to be around her every second, but Ryan wasn't about to say that. He could only be called sweet once an hour. "Of course, then I went and blew it. Again."

"Your jealousy was flattering in hindsight," Marissa teased him. "Even if it's not the best way to handle a situation. And I should have told you right off the bat that Luke had come to me."

Ryan shrugged. "You were right; that was your business. We weren't in a relationship at the time."

"Oh, come on," Marissa protested. "We might as well have been. Besides, it meant nothing. I should have told you that to make it clear to you how done Luke and I were; it's not like I hadn't given you mixed signals in the past."

"You could have remembered that before you tormented me on the Ferris Wheel," Ryan teasingly chided her.

Marissa's grin widened. Even now, memories of that first kiss were some of her favorite with Ryan. She wanted to mention how another glimpse into that simple, boyish sweetness had completely won her over, but she figured he'd reached his 'sweet' quota for now. "That was honestly one of the most romantic moments of my life," she said aloud.

Ryan raised his brows. "When I almost threw up on you?"

Marissa shoved him playfully. "Shut up! You can't ruin this for me." She sighed happily, caught up in remembering that moment. "You jumped onto the Ferris Wheel even though you hate it, and told me you wanted to make it work no matter what."

"And then you shocked the hell out of me by kissing me," Ryan finished. He couldn't help smiling himself; that was another thing he'd never forget. He'd never forget how the world just exploded when her lips touched his.

Marissa leaned her head against his shoulder. "It was the best kiss ever. For me, at any rate."

Ryan ran a hand over her hair. "Wanna know a secret? It was for me, too." Marissa grinned up at him, her eyes shining. "Well, up to that night, at any rate," he clarified, laughing a little. "I don't think we did anything BUT make out for the next few weeks."

There was almost nothing better than the feeling when you first let yourself fall in love, Marissa remembered. Everything had been so new and exciting back then. Every time Ryan's lips had touched hers, she'd been giddy. "Question for you," she said aloud, deciding to torture him a bit. "What was our first big date supposed to be?"

Ryan flushed. "Uhhh…" he caught the teasing gleam in her eyes and laughed in spite of himself. "You're still a brat," he said playfully, wrestling her back onto the pillows. "Fine. I admit it. I had nothing planned, and I wanted to kill Seth when he said I did. I was convinced I was going to come up with something totally lame and you were never going to speak to me again."

Marissa sighed. "You've got to give yourself more credit at some point." she scolded him gently. "You could have taken me anywhere and I wouldn't have cared as long as I was with you."

"I figured that out when I first put my foot in my mouth about other girls and then took you on a wildly romantic date for your mom's event," he said sarcastically.

Marissa laughed. "Well, that was my fault about the first date. And you told me about what you'd seen that time. You were learning."

Ryan groaned even as he inwardly smiled at her utter lack of concern about other girls. Her faith in him in that area was a particularly appealing aspect. "I felt like such a jerk when you were going on and on about how happy you were. I couldn't let that go on."

Marissa hugged his arm and leaned against his shoulder. "I was okay. I had you," she said simply.

Ryan kissed her forehead, feeling the warmth of her simple faith spread through his chest. "And that night really began the start of our loooooooong sexual tension run," he said, only half joking.

Marissa bit her lip; she wondered about that sometimes. "Does it bother you we haven't had sex yet?" she questioned seriously. "It's been a long time, especially for you because you have more experience."

Ryan winced; that hadn't been the most thoughtful thing to say considering what had happened with Trey. "I shouldn't have joked about that," he apologized. "I don't want to pressure you. I mean, obviously I'd love to…you know, but I don't want anything to happen until you're ready."

"Ryan, you've NEVER pressured me," Marissa protested. "If anything, I've pressured you a couple times. I just…wondered. Are you okay with it?"

"I'm fine," Ryan assured her. "I mean, I'm a teenage guy. I think about it. But it doesn't bother me as much as you seem to think it does."

Marissa thought about it, too. All the time. They'd been heading in that direction pretty quickly when…

And here came the next part of their story, the part that would become so much more significant than they realized for more than a year. Soon after that first night she'd stayed in the pool house, she'd met Trey.


	8. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer:** There are some spoilers in here; they're fairly vague but if you're totally spoiler free you might want to watch it._

**Chapter Seven**

_They were coming up on the day she first met Trey._

Marissa abruptly pulled away from Ryan. "Hey, you know what?" she said, attempting- badly- to seem casual. "I really need to run home, take a quick shower, and change my clothes. How about I meet you back here in around two hours?"

Ryan observed her quietly, catching the tense movements she was trying to hide. "We don't have to talk about Trey, at least not yet," he said softly. "We can skip over that part for now."

Marissa sighed deeply. "Busted," she admitted. "But now that you've said it, I realize I really don't want to. I was dreading the talk about Luke and Gabrielle, but I feel better having talked about it." She reached out and ran her hand through his hair, re-establishing physical contact. "Do you want to skip Trey for now? I know he affects you even more than he affects me."

"No, he doesn't," Ryan said tonelessly, even as he wondered if the pain would ever recede. Marissa opened her mouth as if to argue, then thought better of it.

"Okay," she said simply. "I still need a couple hours; I really do need to take a shower and I need to sort out a couple things in my head." She tickled his side playfully, a genuine smile re-emerging on her face. "But when I get back, don't even think you're getting out of going over that 'girl next door' moment with Theresa."

"Busted," Ryan teased back, relieved to see her smile before she left. "Two hours?"

"Two hours," she confirmed, leaning in for a lingering kiss. "Mmmm, love you," she murmured against his lips."

Ryan smiled. "Love you, too." He watched her leave the pool house, making sure she was well out of sight before he leaned over and buried his face in his hands. Every day, he'd wake up and wonder when the thought of Trey and what he had done to Marissa wouldn't hit him quite as hard. It hadn't happened yet. And every once in awhile, some stupid and meaningless thing would set either him or Marissa off and make it even worse. There had been an incident in the pool house a couple weeks ago….

_"Ooof!" The breath was knocked out of Ryan as Marissa playfully shoved him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him. "Damn, woman," he chuckled. "You're going to kill me one of these days."_

"Getting old already, Atwood?" she teased him before blending her mouth with his, her tongue with his.

"Mmmmm, had I known this was what you meant when you wanted to have a movie night, I'd be suggesting them every night," Ryan said huskily, loving the sound of her giggle before he captured her mouth again.

At times like these, he thought everything might be okay. The cops would back off, Trey would wake up and disappear from their lives for good, and Ryan and Marissa could move on. Together. Hell, if their relationship could survive what happened at the beginning of the summer, it could survive anything, right?

Ryan was so caught up in the intoxicating taste and feel of the woman he loved, he barely noticed when he shifted them so he was on top as he'd so often done in the past. All of the sudden, Marissa's entire body tensed. "Ryan," she gasped, breaking free of the kiss and pushing at his chest. "Ryan, stop it. Stop it!"

All the joy and contentedness Ryan had been feeling vanished in the blink of an eye; he sprang off of Marissa as quickly as he could while guilt and shame coursed through him. "Oh God, I'm sorry," he muttered, running his face over his hands. He'd been so good at that lately; he KNEW someone on top of Marissa set her off. What had he been thinking?

"I'm the one who's sorry," Marissa said miserably, pulling her knees protectively against her chest. "I can't imagine it's thrilling to have a girlfriend who randomly flips out on you,"

"Don't say that," Ryan said forcefully, turning to face her. "Don't ever, ever be sorry for what he did to you."

Marissa smiled sadly. "Then you shouldn't, either," she murmured, reaching out to touch his cheek.

Ryan took the hand she held out in his own, more for her benefit than out of the belief he deserved it. "No, but I should be sorry I can't remember to be careful," he responded tiredly.

Marissa shook her head wearily. "I never wanted it to be like that with us. I never wanted you to have to watch yourself around me, not ever again." A single tear slipped down her face. "I swore to myself if I ever got you back I wouldn't screw up your life again."

Ryan stared at her incredulously for a moment, then impulsively pulled her into his arms. "Marissa….no," he said helplessly. "God, don't think that. This isn't anything you did. This is something that was done to you."

"Does it matter?" she mumbled into his chest. "It's still one more drama, one more thing to make your life more complicated."

"Marissa." Ryan pulled away enough to look squarely in her eyes, needing her to hear and understand this. "I do not resent you for this. You're not making my life worse. God, if it hadn't been for you, if you'd turned me away or if I'd pushed you away out of guilt, I don't think I could have survived this far into the summer." It was the truth. Between the constant worrying about Trey and the tension around the house because of Kirsten's absence, he lived for the moments where he could escape into Marissa.

Marissa laughed tiredly. "Turning you away was never an option I so much as considered." She leaned in and kissed his forehead. "I feel the same way about you, you know. You've saved me this summer."

Ryan wasn't so sure what a good job he'd done of that, but all that mattered was that some of the guilt had disappeared from Marissa's eyes. "So it's settled. No more thinking you drag me down, got it?"

Marissa smiled shakily. "Got it." They exchanged a sweet kiss and she moved back into his arms for another tight hug. Ryan buried his face in her hair. At least the tension for one night had died down

Ryan had been especially careful since then to not do anything around Marissa that she might instinctively feel was threatening, and they hadn't had an episode quite like that since. Still, the tension was always there, unspoken and underlying every move. Ryan couldn't sleep for imagining Trey forcing himself on Marissa. Every time he closed his eyes when he was alone, he heard her haunting, choking account of how Trey had hurt her and it still felt like he'd been the one to get shot each time it echoed in his mind.

Would talking about it today help? He had no idea. He couldn't imagine it getting any worse; at this point it couldn't hurt to try anything. Sighing tiredly, he got up to take his own shower and wait for Marissa's return.


	9. Chapter 8

_**Thank you for all the commments! I really appreciate them and I enjoy reading what you have to say. My main concern is always that I'm not doing a good job of keeping the characters IN character. I know my view of Marissa may be a little kinder than some, but I hope I'm making where she's coming from make SOME kind of sense. Although I admit, I'm a little nervous about that in the episodes that will follow this. Also, I think it's very possible for Marissa and Ryan to have a fully sexual relationship in the future, but there's no 'quick fix' for the trauma Marissa experienced and I wanted to make that clear. It's going to take time and effort. **_

_**Disclaimer: **I know I blow by The Secret really quickly. It's actually one of my favorite episodes, but there isn't a whole lot to say and like I mention at the end, it's hard to think of it alone considering what comes next._

**Chapter Eight**

Marissa re-entered the pool house almost two hours later to find Ryan sitting on his bed staring at the wall. She inwardly sighed; she knew exactly what bringing Trey up on the heels of having a talk about sex would remind him of and she knew it would just depress him further. She simply hoped they could find some closure through all of this.

"Hey," she said lightly aloud, shutting the door behind her. "Did I interrupt a brooding session?"

Ryan looked up and smiled faintly. "A welcome interruption; don't worry." He returned the kiss she gave him as she came to sit by him on the bed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "Should we pick up where we left off?"

Marissa nodded, doing her best to hide her unease. _Trey didn't hurt you then, _she reminded herself. _He didn't hurt you for a long time afterwards. _"After the best date ever" she gave him a playful smile and he chuckled "I guess the next big thing is Thanksgiving."

Ryan laced their fingers together. "I was really touched you wanted to come with me to Chino that day," he remembered, trying to delay directly mentioning Trey as long as possible. "I know I didn't do the best job of showing it, but it meant a lot that you cared enough to try and find out about where I came from."

Marissa's brow knitted. "So why didn't you want me to come?"

Ryan almost smiled. He kind of admired the way Marissa just FELT everything. If she was happy, she let herself feel it. If she was sad, she let herself feel it. If she was angry, she let herself feel it. Even with the problems it so often caused her, he almost envied that freedom. The idea of hiding a feeling like being grateful your girlfriend cares was so foreign to her. "Because I was…embarrassed, I guess," he admitted aloud. "About a lot of things." Marissa's eyes silently encouraged him to continue and he sighed. "I was embarrassed about Chino, obviously. I mean, it's a long way from Newport Beach. I didn't want you to see that ugliness, and it doesn't much uglier than a member of your family in prison. I was also…" he faltered for a minute; this was still new territory for him. "Our relationship was so new, you know?" he said at length. "I was embarrassed to admit I needed you there." He remembered the conflicting emotions vividly; how he'd desperately wanted her to come and had been desperately afraid that she'd turn away from him if she did all at the same time.

Marissa melted inside. She knew she shouldn't need the words. She knew the way Ryan proved to her how he felt should be enough. She just couldn't help it; it was the way she worked. In their particularly low times, she needed to be able to pin point those moments where he came out and told her how he felt; she needed that absolute certainty. "I would never turn away from you because of who your family is and where you come from," she said aloud, using her free hand to stroke his cheek. "It's never had any effect on how I feel about you."

Ryan smiled gently and leaned in to kiss her hand. "I sorta started to figure that out that day. I gotta admit, even if you lied, it's flattering you'd literally rather spend the day in jail with me than with your mother," he teased.

Marissa giggled. "Any day of the week," she assured him, lowering her hand to tickle his side. "I just…couldn't let you go without me. I felt like if we let this wall stand between us then, it might never go away. So I thought the only way to insure that didn't happen was to just…invite myself along." Closing her eyes briefly, she sighed and rubbed her forehead. There was no avoiding it anymore. "So then….then we went to see Trey." It was bizarre; shortly after that happened, she…hadn't exactly forgotten about it, but had simply put it out of her mind and hadn't focused on it again for more than a year. And yet, she now could remember every single detail of her first glimpse of Trey now. She could even remember how the slight wind had felt against her skin as she walked up to Ryan's older brother; she vividly recalled the jolt as she'd first seen Trey, beaten and broken in his orange jump suit and yet still looking strikingly like Ryan. Strangely, focusing on that memory wasn't as difficult as she'd expected; remembering Trey so vulnerable and helpless was easier than remembering the animal he'd turned into in those final weeks.

Ryan had tormented himself over that moment in recent weeks. Had it started then? Had Trey seen her as a toy he could take from baby brother even back then? He tried to remember if Trey had looked at Marissa in a way that would have indicated something of what was to come. Had there been something there that he should have seen that would have helped him know he should shield Marissa from Trey instead of encouraging her to go near him time and time again? Would it have been any different if Ryan hadn't taken her that day; was part of Marissa's appeal the sheer length of her commitment to Ryan? He knew he'd probably never have those answers, but the questions haunted him at night all the same.

"You can't blame yourself for taking me there." Marissa's voice startled Ryan out of his thoughts and he looked up in surprise to see her smiling sadly in that 'I know what you're thinking' way. "You had no way of knowing," she said firmly. "None whatsoever. Besides, I took myself there."

Tired all the sudden, Ryan simply nodded and decided to focus on that visit as it had affected them then. Everything else would come soon enough. "I knew Trey wanted something as soon as he called me," he admitted. "My loyalty to him seems insane now; how many times did he screw me over? But he was my big brother; one of the few family members I had left."

"We love our family," Marissa said simply. "Even when they screw up; even when they don't deserve it."

_Trey is not my family._ Ryan didn't voice the thought aloud; there'd be time for that later. "I was honestly shocked you wouldn't leave me," he said aloud. "I really thought you'd run the other way and not look back when I told you I was helping to steal a car."

Marissa raised a brow. "Because it turned me away so quickly the first time?" she said wryly. "Please. It's not so easy to get rid of me."

The warmth spread through Ryan now as it had then. Her loyalty that day had chipped away at some of his defenses; if she could see that side of him and still want to be with him, maybe he wasn't so hopeless after all.

"And after all that came that horribly awkward meeting with Theresa," Marissa remembered. Her tone was light, but her memories were not. No one in her life, not even her mother, had made Marissa feel as horribly inadequate and insecure as Theresa. Not that she didn't like her, she did. All the same, Theresa brought out all the ways that Marissa felt…not good enough. Not good enough for Ryan, not good enough in general.

Ryan groaned, bringing her back to the present. "Oh man, I thought you were going to kill me." He winced, still remembering the almost comical horror he'd felt when Marissa and Theresa realized they were both girls next door. He'd been half convinced Marissa would never speak to him again after they left Chino.

"You COULD have given me a little warning," Marissa said, her voice mockingly scolding.

Ryan just shrugged in an 'I'm an idiot' manner, somewhat embarrassed and guilty about the reason he hadn't: he truly hadn't thought about it. He hadn't thought about Theresa being there because he hadn't thought a lot about Theresa since arriving at Newport. He knew now there was no doubt he'd never been in love with her, but she'd been a good friend and she HAD deserved more from him than that. "You two seemed to get over it pretty quickly," he said aloud, still shaking his head about their odd little friendship. "You were chatting it up when Arturo and I came back."

"Oh, that wasn't immediate," Marissa laughed. "She threw catty comment after catty comment at me at first. I'm not blaming her; she resented me and I could see why. When I didn't rise to the bait, I saw more of the real her and I liked her."

"I love that about you," Ryan said softly and she looked at him in surprise. "I love that you don't get petty about stuff like that," he elaborated. "Even if I don't always return the favor."

Marissa blushed a little, not quite knowing how to respond. She caused him enough drama; it was nice to know she was capable in at least one area of the relationship. "So then you yelled at me," she teased. "But I won you over when I saved your ass."

Ryan laughed. "Well, the idea of dealing with your mother was exhausting, but in retrospect I know you were just trying to knock down some of those defenses, and it's probably good you did. And I gotta admit, I was impressed when you saved my ass." He had been; he'd never expected Marissa to either care so much or think so quickly. "I think it made our relationship more…I don't know. I don't want to say real because it was real before then, but it was more obvious we had found something that could last after Thanksgiving." He suddenly knew he wasn't up for talking about the return visit to Trey and decided to quickly move ahead. "I guess after Thanksgiving was the whole thing with Luke's dad, right?"

Marissa observed him for a second, then decided to let his obvious avoidance go. Nothing had happened in between those periods that severely affected their relationship, and he must be desperate if he were actively encouraging talking about that issue. "Mmmm hmmmm," she said simply, keeping her voice teasingly even.

Ryan winced. "Okay. I really, really, really blew that one," he said ruefully.

"Yes, you did," Marissa said sternly, then broke into a smile in spite of herself. It was kind of amusing looking back on it, and bizarrely refreshing to remember them bickering over something so normal. She voiced the thought. "It was really our first normal couple fight. It's a milestone when you think about it," she teased. "I'm so rarely in the right; it's nice that I was in that one."

"I really am sorry about that," Ryan said somewhat sheepishly. "I don't think I really apologized when it happened. You'd never given me any reason to think you'd tell the whole world something I told you in private, and I jumped on you anyway. I regretted it so fast; I remember feeling like you'd punched me in class when you wouldn't sit next to me."

Marissa struggled to conceal her grin; she remembered his 'kicked puppy' expression that day. Look at all that sweetness he was completely unaware of. "You earned it," she retorted, even as she kissed his cheek to let him know she was mainly kidding.

"I probably didn't deserve you looking past it so easily, but I was grateful," Ryan admitted. "It was another good step for us; if you could look past things like that, we really had a shot at making this work.

Marissa simply shrugged. "It bothered me at the time, I won't lie. It hurt that you didn't trust me. But at the end of the day, I knew you were sorry, and I knew why you did it. You had issues trusting people and you have good reason to." Admitting she knew that, admitting she'd known it on some level back then, was difficult. That would be one of the last times he was the screw up for quite some time in their relationship, and it didn't begin to compare what she would do in the days and weeks to come that no doubt blew that theory of his about how well they worked together all to hell. She closed her eyes for a moment to brace herself, then went ahead and took the plunge. "It's hard to feel magnanimous about that," she admitted softly. "Not considering what happened next. Not considering that next comes Chrismas."


	10. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: **I'm guessing about the I love you situation, I know. But I can't see him growing up in a household that had either serious or normal expressions of love, and he did say he'd never said the words before._

****

**Chapter Nine**

"_Not considering that next comes Christmas."_

Ryan stayed quiet for a moment, struggling to collect his thoughts. He knew they hadn't talked about this enough for the first time, knew it was both of their faults they'd let it slide. Marissa had gotten the help he'd asked her to get and she hadn't drank for months after that, so he'd let it go because it was easier that way. They'd both let a lot of things go because it was easier. Now they were paying the price, and they had to find a way out of this mess.

"Why did you steal stuff that day?" Ryan blurted out. She flinched at the abruptness of the question, but he couldn't stop himself from going on. "I mean…I thought we were having a good time. I thought we were happy." He honestly had; they'd had more fun in the mall that day than they'd had in a long time. Laughing, kissing, playing around…it had felt to Ryan like they were such a normal couple and he'd relished the feeling- until it came crashing down when it was revealed Marissa had been shoplifting.

Marissa sighed heavily. She hadn't entirely sorted out her own feelings during that time, so she knew it was going to be difficult to explain them. "You did make me happy," she responded carefully. "But you were the ONLY thing making me happy for any period of time whatsoever. My home life was a mess. No matter what I said to Luke when everything with his father went down, my faith in my dad had basically been shattered- which speaks to my relationship with my mother if I preferred living with him. My sister and I had become strangers. I'd lost more than half my friends and people were still constantly talking about me because of TJ. I didn't have any money, which I realize sounds ridiculous but I was spoiled." She grinned wryly in a somewhat self deprecating fashion. "Really, I'm still spoiled. That was never so clear as it was when I was living on my own. It's a stupid thing to be upset about, but I'd always had more money than I knew what to do with and I wasn't used to having money problems. It's just…" she closed her eyes briefly and rubbed at her forehead. "Everything in my life except for you was falling apart, and seeing all those people at Christmastime put happy expressions on their faces made it even worse. I just wanted to lash out. Deep down, I was hoping I'd get caught so my parents would just stop pretending to be so…happy."

"And that didn't work out quite the way you'd planned." It wasn't a question from Ryan, it was a statement.

"Of course not, which shouldn't have been surprising since it wasn't what I'd call the most intelligent plan to begin with," Marissa shook her head. "God, I was so angry when my mother suggested therapy. All the times she'd mocked people over the years for going to therapy, all the little snide comments she made about people who had psychologists…and now she wanted to ship me off to one instead of just DEALING with me." She frowned intently, lost in her own thoughts. "I've come around a little on my mom more recently and I can see now why she'd want me in therapy. But back then, I was just so furious. I felt like she was saying I was crazy, and it made me so incredibly angry that she thought she had the right to. And my dad just sat back like he always does and said nothing. I hated both of them in that moment."

"So you decided to drink." Ryan's voice was quiet, but it might as well have been a shout for the way it echoed across the room. For him, the drinking eventually almost became a bigger problem than anything else. He was haunted by memories of everyone in his family drinking; it had hit him like a hammer when he realized his girlfriend was getting drunk in the bathroom.

Part of Marissa felt like burying her face in her hands; the other part wanted to bolt from the room. It took everything in her to do neither; after all this time, Ryan deserved that much. "And so I drank," she echoed simply. "I won't lie to you. I wasn't thinking about your history with alcohol. I wasn't thinking at all. It wasn't about you; nothing about you made me drink. You were the only thing keeping me from letting go of any shred of sanity."

"But it wasn't enough." _I wasn't enough_, Ryan added silently, bitterly.

Marissa struggled with the right words to say to that, wasn't sure if there were any. "Would you even want to be?" she asked softly at length. "No one can be another person's entire reason for existing. You couldn't have been that for me if you'd wanted to be."

Ryan simply stared at her for a moment. He wasn't sure if she even realized she'd hit on a key contradiction he'd struggled with throughout their relationship: he couldn't totally responsible for her and he couldn't NOT be all at the same time. He wanted to be her everything, but he didn't want to be the only reason she was held together.

Marissa was frowning slightly at his silence. "I know I should have said that sooner," she ventured. "I should have realized that sooner. I don't want it to sound like I don't need you because I do. I needed you so desperately at that time that I couldn't tell you that just our relationship wasn't enough to keep me stable."

"You're right, it shouldn't be," Ryan agreed wearily. "I know I've struggled in that area, even more so with things that happened after that, but you're right." He rubbed his neck. "When I realized you were drunk at that party, I felt like I always felt when my mom drank: like I was failing because I couldn't make her stop. The feeling hurt, and the pain pissed me off."

Marissa winced; there was nothing she could say to take that back. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice so soft it was almost a whisper. "I wish I had something else to say, but that's what it amounts to, right? I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten drunk. I know that I get completely out of control when I'm drunk, and it was worse that night than anything other than TJ." Her memory of times when she was drunk was usually fuzzy, but the memory of that night was perfectly clear. Screaming at Ryan at the party…hitting the car that had forced her to let Ryan take the wheel…drinking…the cops…Ryan slamming the door again and again. She remembered that she had been so ashamed she'd barely been able to talk to or look at Ryan for days, and when he'd started acting like nothing happened and it wasn't that big a deal, she let him, even going so far as to joke about it to try and lessen the guilt and significance of her actions.

"I knew you were sorry," Ryan said simply. "You got help when you said you would. That's more than my mother ever did for me." He didn't know if he'd actually reached his breaking point like he'd claimed he had that night. He had been so desperately in love with her and so terrified that she'd never climb out of that hole that he would have said anything. Thankfully, he hadn't had to find out.

"I thought I would lose you," Marissa said quietly, "And then I'd have nothing. And it made me realize how pointless the whole thing was; I didn't want to throw everything away over a bottle. And I know this is skipping ahead, but I really can't see myself going back there again. Alcohol lost any numbing appeal after I moved out of the house for a little while. If what happened at the end of the school year didn't rock me enough to go back, I don't think anything will."

Ryan smiled tiredly and kissed her forehead. "Good."

Marissa bit her lip. "I shouldn't have made light of it that night outside your house, though."

Ryan laughed in spite of himself. "THAT'S what you remember about that conversation?" he teased.

Marissa blinked, then started giggling. "In retrospect, you have to admit that was funny."

"Funny that I'm such a loser," Ryan said sarcastically. "I am really, REALLY sorry about that. I felt like such an ass afterwards."

Marissa couldn't stop giggling as she remembered that night. "I was SO horrified," she giggled. "I think I had read too many romance novels; I expected it to be this totally dramatic, perfect moment. I thought I was going to have to join the witness protection program." It was ironic that she could find it so amusing now when she'd been so mortified back then. The words "Thank you" were her least favorite in the English language for about 24 hours.

"I felt like the worst boyfriend ever," Ryan groaned. "I was convinced you were going to look back on me and hate me 30 years down the line for that. And then I decided I was right when you said you were going to the party without me." His smile faded as he remembered whose party it was; they were edging up on one of the times he dreaded talking about the most.

Marissa tensed. Now that they were nearing that topic, she feared she'd made a huge mistake suggesting this. It was selfish and cowardly, but she was terrified of going back to that time, terrified of explaining things she wasn't sure she could explain, and had never felt she had the right to.

Ryan sighed, sensing her fear and not wanting to get into it just yet. "He didn't really affect us at that point," Ryan said gently. "I didn't even know him. Let's get to that when it comes."

He HAD affected them in some way, Marissa knew. Hindsight is always 20/20; there had been clear hints Oliver had been lying about Natalie back then and he'd certainly manipulated her about Ryan's feelings. She couldn't bring herself to confront that just yet, though, and simply smiled gratefully. "I wished I hadn't been so stubborn at that party," she admitted. "I was miserable; I was terrified you wouldn't show up."

"In my defense, I had changed my mind much earlier," Ryan smiled wryly, remembering how Hailey had taunted him. "I would have been there hours sooner, but I got locked in the pool house with Seth." Marissa raised a brow at him. "Don't ask," he sighed. "But it was good for something. He made me realize I had nothing to be afraid of in telling you I loved you."

"Afraid?" Marissa echoed, confused. "Obviously you knew I loved you."

Ryan struggled with the words; he wasn't sure opening up would ever get easier. "Because…because it was the first time I'd ever said it," he admitted. "Like, ever."

Marissa's brow knitted. "To a girl?"

"Period," Ryan clarified, looking anywhere in the room but her as she drew her conclusions about that.

Marissa was caught between being giddy and wanting to cry. That was maybe the sweetest, most touching thing she'd ever been told in her life, but at what cost? What kind of childhood had he had to have NEVER said those words? How did she even respond to that? She looked up at him and her heart melted at the uncertain, embarrassed expression on his face as he pointedly stared across the room. Impulsively, she caught his chin in her hands and brought his mouth down to hers. He was clearly surprised at first, but almost instantly responded and they shared a long, passionate kiss. By the time it was over, Marissa found herself basically straddling his lap as his hands ran up and down her back and sides. Breathing hard, she simply rested her forehead against his for a moment. "I love you," she whispered. "I can't make anything about your past better, I know that. But I really do love you."

No matter how many times she said the words, it still made Ryan's heart beat faster. "I love you, too," he murmured, then smiled a little as he recalled the first time he said it, the beautiful smile on her face the first time she heard it. It had been so worth it; knowing that a declaration of love from him touched her that deeply had been worth any fear and confusion. "And I'm glad I got to tell you that at midnight."

Marissa grinned against his mouth; the memory of that definitely still made her giddy. It had been one of the most magical, romantic moments of her life; she'd gotten her fairy tale I love you after all.

As her mind traveled on, the smile faded and she slowly climbed off his lap. There was no avoiding what came next anymore, and knowing he'd loved even back then the way he did make it all the harder. They'd put it off as long as they could.

She took a deep, shaky breath. They were going into one of the darkest times of their relationship now; she wasn't sure they'd ever fully dug themselves out of that hole. She prayed she hadn't made an enormous mistake in insisting on this talk. "I guess it's time to talk about Oliver."


	11. Chapter 10

_**Author's Note:** I had SUCH a difficult time with this chapter, lol. Sorry it took so long, and if it isn't on the level of the other ones. I had a hard time sorting through this storyline in my own mind, so needless to say I had a hard time writing it down. If Ryan isn't as angry as some of you figured he would be, some of that will come out more when I go over The Heartbreak (although the first half of the next chapter will be fluff because I figure they need it). I understand the rest of S1 a lot better, so I shouldn't have as much trouble with that._

**Chapter Ten**

_"I guess it's time to talk about Oliver."_

Part of Ryan wanted to bolt immediately. This had been hell on their relationship the last time; the situation had spiraled out of control to the point that it had eventually led to the almost complete destruction of their bond. He wasn't sure he wanted to live through the memory of that time again; he didn't know if he'd ever felt that utterly alone simply because he hadn't been EXPECTING to feel alone like that in Newport. The other half of him knew part of their problem was they didn't talk things through and they needed to start if they didn't want things like this to keep happening.

"I was jealous at first," Ryan admitted into the silence at last. Marissa's head snapped up in surprise; she'd prepared herself for an attack right off the bat. "I had no idea he was troubled until after the concert, and even then I don't I really understood until Palm Springs. At first..I was just jealous."

Marissa considered her words carefully; she still wasn't sure if she should say anything, if she had the right to say anything. _You said it yourself; this isn't about rights_, she reminded herself. _This is about how you felt at the time._ "Whatever else went on, I was NEVER interested in Oliver like that," she said at length. "Not even a little bit. I just wasn't attracted to him."

Ryan sighed deeply and rubbed the side of his neck. "And on that topic, I can say I was wrong. I felt like he was more sophisticated and interesting than me, and that you were going to realize that at some point. Even though you gave me no reason to believe you thought like that. I was SO pissed off that time we were at dinner at his place." He was almost embarrassed now, remembering how eaten up with jealousy he'd been.

"He was showing off and taunting you," Marissa pointed out, for the thousandth time wondering why she could see it so clearly now.

Ryan shrugged. "Even I didn't really know that at the time; I just thought he could take you to all kinds of places I couldn't."

"I don't care about that," Marissa said simply. "I mean, those things are nice, but I don't care if we perpetually stay in the pool house as long as I'm with you. Maybe I should have told you that back then…"

"You never really gave me a reason to think you thought anything else." Marissa opened her mouth to protest, but Ryan wouldn't let her. "No, you know what, if you can tell me that my life shouldn't revolve around your problems, I can tell you that yours shouldn't revolve around my issues. You can say you like Paris without me flipping out."

Marissa thought it over for a minute, then finally nodded. She knew better than she used to that he had insecurities and she needed to be more careful of them, but he had a point. "So at the concert…"  
"I was jealous," Ryan wryly confirmed. "He knew the band and I didn't even know OF the band."

Marissa smiled a little in spite of herself. "You looked SO miserable the entire time," she laughed lightly. "I decided concerts weren't for you."

"And then I stormed off like a woman," he said wryly. "But I've always wanted to ask you about something you said, about him talking to you. Does that really bother you?"

Marissa closed her eyes for a minute; she wanted to say this without it sounding like an excuse. "Not now, no. Not really. It's who you are, and I don't talk to people as easily as I used to, either. It…it was something I was going through back then, and I think it was part of why I accepted him so easily. I…I was such a mess back then. I felt like nothing was in my control. I just…needed to be needed."

Ryan was already feeling himself start to get defensive. "I needed you, too," he snapped, his emotions starting to come before his natural instinct to keep quiet at last.

Marissa bit her lip. "I didn't know that then," she said softly.

"Why, because I didn't have pictures of you wallpapered over my room or I wasn't taking strands of your hair or something?" he shot back, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. "That didn't mean I didn't need you."

"You're right," Marissa said simply, knowing there was no point in getting defensive herself.. "His connection to me was unhealthy; it wasn't something I should have latched onto. Obviously, I know that now. But I was unhealthy at the time. He was always talking about how much I helped him; that felt good when at a time when I didn't even think I could help myself. That doesn't mean I shouldn't have seen it coming, or I should have thrived on that need the way I did. Of course I shouldn't have."

Ryan's anger was deflated somewhat by her simple, calm confession, the way he always was when she didn't respond to her attacks with anger or tears. "Okay," he relented. "And I know I can be a little standoffish sometimes; I hope I've gotten better there."

Marissa smiled faintly. "You have. I hope I haven't befriended any more psychos." Ryan snorted in spite of himself. "So I guess after that you ran in on the whole coke deal?"

Ryan nodded. "That's when I started to notice something was wrong- well, other than the obvious, I mean. I started to feel like he was deliberately provoking me in jail, and trying to find out who I was so he could…copy me or use stuff against me or something. It wasn't obvious yet; I don't know if I even consciously knew it. It was just a feeling in the pit of my gut."

"At the time it happened, I wanted to back off from him a bit," Marissa remembered. "Obviously he'd been lying to me and it made me a little uncomfortable." She recalled how awkward she'd felt when she found him on her doorstep that first time. "But then he seemed so apologetic…I thought who was I to judge? I'd lied and hidden my drinking, too. He offered the trip to Palm Springs and I thought he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him." 

Palm Springs. The point the end of that situation had really reached the point of no return, even if Ryan hadn't quite realized it yet. "I should have realized Natalie didn't exist at that point," he said aloud. "It was starting to bug me…but it was in the back of my mind."

"I should have realized it the first time he talked about her." Ryan looked at her in surprise and she shrugged wearily. "Hindsight is 20/20, right? It's so obvious to me now, the way he jumped on the knowledge that I had a boyfriend and the tone in his voice when he first brought up Natalie."

Ryan sighed; he couldn't exactly flog her for it back then. "You weren't looking back then. I mean, really. Who thinks somebody's going to make that up? Hell, even I didn't REALLY see it until towards the end." Another thought occurred to him as he remembered the trip to Palm Springs and his face darkened. "Why did you tell Oliver so much about me? I mean, about Luke and my background and stuff?"

Marissa blinked. "Your background?" she repeated dumbly. "I mean, I told him about how I dated Luke and then I wasn't honest about stuff to either of you. It came up after a therapy thing; we were talking about how we both had problems being honest. I don't think I told him much about your background at all. He knew you were from Chino, just from around. I mean, everyone knows that. And he knows about how you ended up living with the Cohens, of course. Most of the times we talked about our relationship, I was talking about my feelings one way or the other."

Ryan considered her words; Oliver actually hadn't mentioned any details about his background, just alluded that she did. And he had to admit, just about everyone in Newport knew enough about where he came from to rattle his cage. "Damn, he was good," Ryan sighed. "Everything that came out of his mouth was designed to get under my skin and I made it all too easy."

Marissa watched him carefully, trying to understand what was going on in his mind. "I didn't forget what you said that night, even though we were in the middle of a fight," she said hesitantly. "I mean…you're going to come up when I talk to my friends. You're such a big part of my life. But I try not to reveal anything TOO personal about you; I think I even pissed off D.J and Alex because I wouldn't talk about you very much."

Ryan half smiled at that; it was nice to hear that she would care about things like that even when they weren't together. "It's not that big a deal if that's all you told him," he sighed. "I've talked about you too sometimes, so people in glass houses. So the next thing was…the golf game, I guess."

Marissa winced. She'd REALLY screwed up there. "I'm going to say this a lot, but I should have seen it. I didn't think he had it in for you so I wasn't looking for any signs that he was really trying to hurt you, I thought he cared about me as a friend and therefore couldn't be out to get you, but I should have seen it. It's so easy for me to see it now that I don't really understand how I didn't then."

As many of the other moments had been, Ryan felt as if he should have been vindicated, but he simply felt sad. He wished she hadn't found someone who would betray her trust. As much as it had frustrated him at the time, he didn't want her to become suspicious the way he was. So much had been stripped from the girl that had laughingly pushed him into the pool, and it didn't particularly matter whose fault it was, even if it was partly hers. He just wished it wasn't like that. Unable to reply to her admission that she should have known better, he moved on. "Later that night was when Oliver flipped out on me in the kitchen." He could remember it clearly; how utterly shocked he'd been when Oliver had started ranting nonsensically, smashing dishes and hitting himself.

"What exactly did you say?" Marissa asked curiously, remembering when Oliver had finally melted down on her.

Ryan sighed. "He just kept pushing me, you know? He tried to get me to stop washing the dishes, then he did them with me. He was talking about what could he do to make things better between us. I mean, I know that doesn't seem like a very big deal when you say it like that…"

Marissa laughed bitterly. "He knew exactly what to say to you; he knew what would set you off better than I did at the time." It was a hard truth to admit, but it was one she'd thought about in the sleepless nights during the time they'd been apart after Oliver, and come to see even more clearly as they'd slowly built a relationship where they understood each other better. She'd fallen in love with Ryan so quickly, she hadn't completely understood what made him tick and that had been part of the problem with Oliver; she didn't understand why he was reacting so violently to things that seemed fairly innocent at the time. Oliver had known exactly what he was doing because he knew what would set Ryan off.

"Was that the problem?" Ryan asked, honestly trying to get why things had dissolved into such a mess so quickly. "Did you just not understand why I was reacting that way?"

"That was part of it." Marissa struggled to figure out how to explain the next part. "Another part…I mean, in terms of why I didn't just see Oliver's behavior after he said he tried to swallow some pills was so wrong…I guess the easiest way for me to explain it is I was raised in a household of liars. My parents love me. Sometimes now I even think my mom loves me better than my dad. But they're both inherently liars. And I mean, you'd think that would make it easier for me to see lies, but my parents raised me NOT to see the house of lies they'd built around us. I was taught to NOT see lies because if I had, I would have seen how screwed up my family really was. I'm not saying it's all their fault; I've done that so often but at some point I have to say that I'm a big girl and I do things on my own. It's just…the way it is. And it was even harder with Oliver because of the therapy thing."

"The therapy thing?" Ryan repeated blankly. What did them meeting in therapy have to do with anything?

"I was embarrassed about therapy," Marissa said simply. "It seems so totally ridiculous now, of course. But I was doing something I'd basically been raised to believe meant you were crazy. I thought here was this nice guy who's in therapy, so maybe it's not that bad. I didn't want to believe he could be crazy, even when he did things that in the back of my mind I knew made no sense, like transferring into the school, I just didn't want to believe it."

Looking back, Ryan knew it had been obvious what a sore spot therapy had been for her. At the time, he guessed he hadn't understood much better than she understood how Oliver set him off. "And then I stole the letter."

The words sent the room into silence for a minute; for all intents and purposes, it had officially ended there, even with the later pool house break up. "For that one thing, I won't apologize for being angry," Marissa said at length. "Even when you're trying to protect me, I still don't want you taking something like that if I haven't given you permission to. But I should have seen that if you were that desperate, there was a reason for it."

Ryan gritted his teeth in a- likely futile, he knew- attempt to keep his temper on an even keel. "I shouldn't have taken the letter," he agreed. "I knew you would be furious if you found out, even break up with me." He had, although nothing had quite prepared him for the icy numbness it had actually happened. "I'm not surprised when you were pissed off then. I just thought after you had a chance to calm down…"

Marissa sighed; she had a feeling nothing for the rest of the night would be as simply difficult and frustrating as struggling to sort through this conversation. "I didn't feel at the time like I had a chance to calm down," she tried to explain. "I wanted to take every phone call. When I saw you at school before you got suspended, part of me wanted to run to you and tell you to forget everything. But then you would get into a fight with Oliver or call my mother or wait on my doorstep and say things that didn't make any sense to me, and I'd get angry all over again. I was so confused and frustrated, I barely knew what I was doing. I shouldn't have called you pathetic," she remembered. "I even felt bad about that later that night."

That had stung, Ryan remembered. But he'd also known at the time that Marissa lashed out when she was angry and said things she didn't mean. "I knew better by then than to take you TOO seriously when you were that angry," he said aloud, then remembered something that had happened earlier. "Did you know I left you a message that Oliver took?" Ryan asked quietly. Her head snapped up in surprise and he shook his head. "I didn't think so. I asked you to meet me in the library; he showed up instead and said you were threatening with a restraining order. I figured that wasn't true." He rubbed his hands tiredly over his face; he felt like it was midnight instead of barely lunch time. It was hard to explain, especially for him, how he'd felt at the time. He knew some of his behavior had been wildly inappropriate now, especially considering where impulsive actions had gotten him recently. Oliver had provoked him, but he knew in retrospect that Oliver had known he could get the exact wrong reaction out of him, which made him angrier at himself than anyone now. Still…he'd just felt utterly alone. Like what Oliver was telling him about how he and Marissa weren't meant to be together- something that had continued to eat him up inside long after Oliver was gone- was true, and he had no one, just like he always had. "Did you really want to take my calls?" he asked softly at length, hating the vulnerability in his voice but needing to hear the answers all the same. Instead of feeling the anger he'd expected to feel, he just felt hurt. It wasn't as easy to be angry about things like that now, but that left only the hurt behind.

Marissa's heart melted and broke all at once. Was what he really needed more than an apology the assurance that she'd never stopped loving him? "Every last one of them," she responded, tentatively reaching out to run her hands through his hair and cup the sides of his face. "I don't think I slept at all during that time period. It took everything I had not to pick up that phone. I never stopped loving you. I knew even then that I hadn't stopped loving you."

"Then why didn't you listen to me?" He still couldn't quite comprehend that, how she could love someone and listen to someone else.

Marissa shrugged helplessly. "I still don't entirely know why I reacted the way I did. Because everything was piling on me at once, because…I just didn't understand. I didn't understand why you were reacting the way you were back then. I guess I didn't understand you as well as I do now."

Ryan considered that statement and finally slowly nodded. He knew they both understood each other better now than they did then; she'd never been simply unable to hear him ever since. As many of the problems as they hadn't worked through, her not listening to him or trusting him hadn't particularly been a problem since that time period. Maybe he'd just needed to hear from her lips how it happened, that it wouldn't happen again. "Okay," he said simply. "When you didn't listen to me, when nobody listened to me, it hurt me- a lot. I felt like I was right back where I started from. And I know I didn't really make it easy for people to listen to me at the time so I'm not saying it's all your fault, but you said it yourself. Sometimes it doesn't matter whose fault it is when we get hurt. I guess…I just needed to say it, and hear how it happened, and know it won't again, on either side because we both understand each other better. And I do now. So…okay," he said again.

Marissa searched his eyes, carefully making sure they could truly move on from this part without leaving too much in the air as they had the last time. "Okay," she repeated finally.

Ryan smiled faintly. "And after all, when you realized the truth, you called me first." His brow creased. "How exactly did that go down again?"

Marissa groaned. "It was ridiculous, really. I was ridiculous to keep denying it right down to the last second. I found out who the real Natalie was, but I just couldn't…I mean, if I was wrong, I was trusting a lunatic and I'd thrown you away for nothing. I couldn't….accept it until I looked into his eyes. And then I knew. And I think this little part of me had known for a long time. So I called the only person I knew I could count on, even though I thought later on that it wasn't fair that I called."

Ryan shrugged wearily. "It's not about fair. I've never been sorry you called me."

"And I've always been grateful you came," Marissa said simply. Ryan leaned forward until their heads were touching, closing his eyes and drinking the security and trust they'd forged since then in.

"I love you," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"I love you, too," he returned without any of the hesitation he'd had back then. "And I forgive you."


	12. Chapter 11

_**Author's Note:** As always, thanks for the comments for all reading my story! I truly appreciate all feedback. I struggled a lot with the last chapter, so I'm glad some of you enjoyed it anyway. The first part of this, as said, is fluff. They need it and I need it, lol. It's semi inspired by some of the S3 promos. As for the end, I don't necessarily think what Ryan does next was the worst thing in the world (although it was undoubtedly stupid), but I think that HE probably would. Enjoy! Oh, and as a side note, thanks for the compliment on my music videos! Mvids are my first passion and I love to hear that people enjoy them._

**Chapter Eleven**

"Okay." Ryan startled Marissa by grabbing her by the hand and pulling her off the bed with him as he stood up. "Time for a break."

"What?" she protested. "Ryan-"

"No no no, no arguments," he insisted. "It's lunchtime and we've got to take a break before we get to the next heavy stuff; no matter what, this stuff IS in the past and we don't want to get too caught up in it." _Or dragged down by it_, he added silently. He didn't want them to get so caught up in the anger and pain of the past that they forgot what they had now: a much stronger relationship than they'd had back then, trust and understanding as well as love.

Marissa considered his words and conceded the logic behind them. "Crab cakes at the pier?" she suggested.

Ryan grinned and slung an arm around her shoulder as they headed out of the pool house. "I'll buy you an ice cream cone afterwards."

As they walked hand in hand on the beach, Ryan watched in amusement while Marissa relished every last bite of the butter pecan ice cream cone he'd gotten her. He remembered how it had surprised him when they first started dating that she didn't seem to watch what she ate in the slightest; she could put away a cheeseburger with the best of them. It had only served to make her all the more attractive, finding out all the little things that shaped who she was. He had never had that with a girl before, never been so endlessly curious about every little thing about them.

"What?" Marissa's voice startled him out of his daze and he realized he'd been staring at her. She was returning the favor now, eyeing him curiously. "Do I have ice cream on my nose or something?"

Ryan inwardly smirked; she really should know better than to say things like that in front of him. "Hmmm," he said slowly, taking her chin in his hand while putting his other over her hand with the cone in it. "I don't…" quickly, he brought up the hand that held the cone to her face, covering her nose in ice cream. "Oh, guess you do," he teased, laughing at the irked expression on her face.

Marissa set her jaw. So he wanted to play like THAT. "Alright. Okay," she said nonchalantly, making away as she wiped her face- then promptly veering back to smash the rest of the cone in his.

Ryan burst into sputtering laughter as ice cream and bits of cone dripped down his face, causing Marissa to dissolve into giggles. "Oh, you SO deserved that," she laughed breathlessly. 

"Yeah, well you deserve to get washed up then," Ryan shot back, lunging forward and scooping her into his arms, ignoring her shrieks and squirming as he ran for the ocean, promptly dropping her into the water.

"Oh, you are SUCH a pain in the neck," she huffed, even as she struggled to quit laughing and yanked him down into the water beside her.

"Mmm, I like the wet look," he murmured, wrapping an arm around her and kissing her neck. "Looks good on you."

Marissa shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, you look okay." Ryan rolled his eyes and she giggled, turning more fully into him and cupping his face in his hands. The laughter faded from her face, replaced by one of the sweet, gentle smiles that were fairly rare and all the more precious for it. "I love you," she said softly, before leaning in to kiss him. Ryan was almost surprised by the passion and urgency when he'd expected a quick, sweet kiss, but quickly lost the ability to think about anything but her nearness, her taste, her touch. He entwined one hand in her wet hair and wrapped the other around her waist to pull her closer as they embraced. Finally, the sound of whistles and catcalls sank in and he remembered they were in the middle of a very public beach.

"Oops." Marissa blushed, reluctantly pulling away. "Maybe we should take this somewhere a little more private?"

"Probably best," he laughed, still slightly breathless and dazed. "Show's over, guys," he called out to the gawking group of what looked like freshman boys standing by the edge of the water. Maybe it hadn't been the best idea to get his girlfriend's t-shirt wet, he silently griped as he pulled them both to their feet.

Marissa smiled in spite of herself as she caught the look in his eyes. Sometimes his jealousy could be endearing if it were fairly harmless like this. "All yours," she quietly assured him, wrapping her arms around his waist as they made their way out of the water.

"Better be," Ryan shot back even as he struggled to conceal the ridiculous grin he felt coming on at her words. It had been a good idea to get away from the conversation and remember how close they were now. Nothing from the past could REALLY touch them now; they were just trying to learn from it. "Back the pool house to dry off?"

"Uh uh." Ryan raised his brows in surprise and she elaborated. "YOU started the ice cream war and got me wet. It's only fair that we go back to my place to change clothes." They reached her car and she climbed into the driver's seat.

"What am I gonna wear?" Ryan protested even as he obediently strapped himself into the passenger seat.

Marissa shrugged playfully. "Shoulda thought of that, shouldn't you?"

An hour later, they were curled up in her bed together. For a moment Ryan had feared she'd make good on her threat to leave him standing naked in the laundry room while he waited for the clothes to dry- it wasn't so much the naked part he objected to as it was alone (or more likely with the extremely flirtatious and much older maid) in the laundry room. Thankfully, she'd taken pity on him and found a huge terry cloth robe for him. Even better, she'd decided to wear one herself, giving him an even more…generous view than usual.

"This could be a fun way to spend the rest of the afternoon," Ryan murmured, leaning in to kiss her neck.

"Mmmmm," Marissa sighed, temporarily losing her train of thought and giggling as he hit a sensitive spot. "Wait…we're supposed to be talking," she protested weakly."

"No fun." Ryan brought his lips to hers and she once again lost all reason, wrapping her arms around his neck and drawing him closer. His hands started to drift tantalizingly close to the belt of her robe, bringing her somewhat out of her haze. "Whoa there," she laughed breathlessly, weakly pushing him away a little. "If we go there, we're definitely never finishing this conversation."

Ryan immediately pulled his hands away, making Marissa inexplicably saddened. He hadn't been making her uncomfortable- the opposite, in fact. She'd been enjoying it a little TOO much, but they'd waited this long already; the first time might as well be something special, and not in the middle of this very important conversation. Still, anytime she pulled away even a little it was as if he thought he'd done something horribly wrong. In these little dark moments, she wondered if Trey's damage could ever really be healed.

Rather than start a drawn out conversation over that- they'd get to it in time- she deliberately cuddled closer, picking his arm up and draping it over her shoulder, then wrapping an arm around his waist. His body stiffened in surprise at first, then he relaxed and squeezed her briefly, kissing the top of her head. "So where did we leave off?" he asked.

Marissa bit her lip, feeling the shadows darken her thoughts once again. "I guess we left off right around the Valentine's Day stuff," she responded softly.

Ryan inwardly groaned, wondering when they would reach something that wasn't miserably unhappy to go over. He had nothing but painful memories of that hopelessly awkward, lonely period. "God, I hated those days," he muttered. "It was like we were strangers, when we hadn't even felt like strangers the night we met."

Marissa was fairly uncertain it was an unconscious act for him to remove his arm from her shoulders and move slightly away on the bed. She wasn't sure if that hurt more or less than imagining it was deliberate. She was uncertain about what to say in response; that she'd hated those days as well? She had, but it seemed almost…presumptuous to say so aloud. As it turned out, she didn't really get the chance to say anything.

"I was confused, too," Ryan was saying aloud; she inwardly flinched at the rising tension in his voice. "I didn't exactly know what kind of vibe I was getting from you. We would meet at school or something and it would be like nothing ever happened."

Marissa sighed; she'd known they would come to this. "That wasn't specifically my intention," she said slowly.

Ryan rolled his eyes impatiently; he wasn't in the mood for verbal runarounds and evasions. "What was your specific intention?" he asked bluntly, crossing his arms across his chest. "Because from that scene in school, and then later on in the pool house, it felt like you wanted to forget the whole thing to me." 

"That wasn't the way I meant it-" Marissa attempted to explain.

"Oh really, so you WEREN'T trying to pretend nothing happened?" Ryan challenged, even as he realized the reason he'd only been able to feel sad during the Oliver situation was that at the time he'd bottled his anger up to this point.

"No…I mean…" Marissa rubbed her forehead. "Obviously in a perfect world Oliver would never have existed for me at that point."

"Too bad the world isn't perfect," Ryan shot back sarcastically. "Did you really think sex was going to solve anything?"

Marissa struggled not to wince at the painful, humiliating memories that comment evoked. "I don't think I was trying to SOLVE something exactly-"

"Then what would you call it?" he challenged angrily. The memory of that night wasn't any better for him; he'd felt guilty and angry that he had been made to FEEL guilty.

"I can't call it anything if you won't let me talk!" Marissa finally burst out, more unhappy and tense than angry. She felt like she was in the middle of some anxiety dream.

There was silence in the room for a long moment; Ryan took several deep breaths, thin slivers of shame starting to creep in and push some of the anger away. "I'm sorry," he said at length, his voice low and his eyes averted from hers. "No matter how hard a time I've had explaining something so far, you haven't cut me off at every turn and I shouldn't do it to you."

Marissa was too tired to do anything other than nod. She tried to figure out how to explain this the right way and finally settled for the painful truth. "I knew I was losing you," she said simply. Ryan's eyes flew back to hers in surprise and she quietly, haltingly went on. "I mean, I guess I knew that I already HAD lost you. I was kind of in denial back then; the idea that you were everything I'd believed you to be and I was going to lose you anyway due to my own stupidity was so painful that I couldn't stand it. I thought maybe if I could show you how sorry I was, show you how much I loved you in spite of everything I'd done…" she trailed off and shrugged hopelessly. "I wasn't trying to offend you or insult you, or brush off what I did. I was just trying to…keep you, even though some part of me knew I couldn't."

Most of Ryan's anger melted away during her speech; he knew consciously now, as he had on some unconscious level at the time, that that's how she meant it. He knew she had a good heart, and she was genuinely sorry for what happened. "I was as frustrated with myself as much as you at the time," he admitted. "For still loving you as much as I did, for not being able to get past what happened, for feeling guilty that I was hurting you regardless of the reason."

"I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty at the pool house that night," Marissa protested. "I was just…humiliated and overwhelmed. I actually wanted to leave quickly so you wouldn't see me fall apart and either make me feel better out of obligation or ignore it- I couldn't decide which was worse."

"I know you weren't trying to," Ryan acknowledged wearily. "But you have to know it's when you obviously don't want me to feel guilty that I end up feeling guiltiest."

Marissa laughed a little sadly in spite of herself. "That does sound like you, doesn't it?" She sighed. "When I ran into you and Theresa, I really started to understand it was over. For a split second outside, and then later on at the party, you looked so much more relaxed with her than with me. She made you laugh, and when I did things like approach you at the party, it just made you unhappy. I knew I didn't have a chance." She remembered how quietly, bitterly miserable she'd felt seeing them together, how hopelessly inadequate she'd seemed in comparison to Theresa. "I probably wouldn't have even have come to the pool house at all that night if it hadn't been for Sandy, I would have just quietly slipped away."

Ryan blinked in confusion. "Sandy? What does he have to do with this?"

Marissa winced ruefully. "Ooops, you wouldn't know about that, would you? He came up to me at the party after you left, told me not to give up on you even if it seemed like you wanted me to. I don't think he was trying to pry, just help."

Ryan couldn't help inwardly groaning in sympathy; there wasn't much worse than getting advice from the seemingly all-knowing Sandy Cohen and having it bite you in the ass anyway. "I'm sure he was trying to help," he said aloud. "I'm sorry if he gave you advice that made it worse, though."

Marissa shrugged. "I thought it was the worst advice ever that night, but I think I've taken it in a more long term way and it eventually ended up paying off." She smiled faintly. "You're here now, aren't you?"

Ryan reached out to touch her for the first time since he'd gotten agitated, touched that she though of it that way. "I am here," he said firmly, taking her hand. "And I'm not going anywhere, no matter what happened back then."

Marissa smiled gratefully; she hadn't exactly NEEDED to hear that since she hadn't particularly been in doubt, but it never hurt. "So I took Sandy's advice, and went to the pool house one last time," she went on, trying to push back the pain that memory evoked and failing for the most part. "I don't even know what I thought I was going to do or say; I figured deep down that nothing would change how you felt at the time."

"You were right," Ryan admitted simply. "Sometimes I wish you hadn't been. I think we needed the time apart, but I'll live the rest of my life regretting what I did during that time. But at that time…I just couldn't let it go." So he'd let her go instead, even as his heart had shattered into a thousand pieces. Even as her tears had made him bleed inside. Even knowing he still loved her, and probably always would.

Marissa just nodded silently, painfully. It wasn't anything she didn't know. "I always wished I hadn't run out like that. I wished I had ended it in a way that…I don't know. Did more justice to what you meant to me." She chuckled with no humor whatsoever. "I wish for my own ego that I'd been a little bit more graceful in my exit."

"Later, I'd wished I'd said it better, too," Ryan confessed, thinking of how he'd stayed up all night staring blankly at the wall, reliving every moment he'd shared with her and feeling like his heart had been ripped out. "I wanted to make it clear I still cared about you. But the truth was, I didn't just still care about you, I still loved you, and I knew I would have said it if given half the chance. And I didn't want to make it any worse."

Marissa scrubbed her fingers over her face, remembering that night herself, how she'd cried all night without sleeping, then settled into a cold acceptance of the truth. "I think you were right at the end of the day, we needed the time apart. I wish I hadn't screwed up so badly, but I did and we needed to deal with that apart." She smiled a little, more genuine than she'd done since they started talking about this. "As with most things, I hope it ended up making us stronger by now."

Ryan leaned in to kiss her forehead. "I think it has. Although it can be difficult to see considering what happened after that." He took a deep breath; whatever mistakes she'd made, he'd unintentionally quadrupled next. Not even simply in terms of their relationship; he'd made choices that eventually screwed EVERYTHING, including his own life and the lives of the people he'd come to consider his family, up next. "So now…we've gotten to Theresa."


	13. Chapter 12

_**Author's Note: **As always, thanks for all the comments! Glad you enjoyed the fluff; I thought they needed it. Yes, I do make vids. You can find all my Marissa related vids (mainly RM vids, but also stuff like Marissa/Summer friendship, Fab Four, and the attempted rape storyline) at Go to media, music videos, and Liz's vids. I have a LOT of RM vids in particular._

**Chapter Twelve**

"_We've gotten to Theresa."_

This was one of the topics Marissa had been dreading the most. It was her Oliver situation, only Ryan hadn't exactly done anything wrong- to her, at any rate- so it wasn't like she could lash out about it. Now, as then, she felt as though she had to accept she'd gotten what she deserved and deal with any pain it had caused her- and it had caused her more than anything she could have imagined at the time- on her own.

Outwardly, she carefully kept her face blank as she shrugged. "There isn't a whole lot to say, is there? We were over at the time. You got involved with someone else. It's not like we were lying to each other or hiding things from each other."

Ryan frowned and worked to make eye contact, but although she met his eyes with calm, clear ones, he knew it was mainly a front. He sighed; it was going to be harder to crack the shell she'd put up to either protect herself or keep herself from being angry when she didn't feel she had a right to be than he'd thought. "I think we both know it's more complicated than that," he said slowly. "I hope we both know we weren't over each other at any point during that."

Again, Marissa wanted to brush it off, but she knew that wasn't fair. This had snowballed into a HUGE, life-changing event for Ryan and she wasn't sure he'd ever really talked it through. She should at least give him that chance, even if it cut her apart. "I think I know that now," she said softly. "I mean, I think it was pretty obvious I wasn't over you, and I know in retrospect you couldn't have been over me if you were so quick to get back together a few weeks later." Had that endless, horrible period of time really only been a few weeks? It still amazed her. " But then…no, I didn't know that. We would meet at school, and you'd look like you'd want to be anywhere with me. We'd try to hang out, and you wouldn't seem happy. I mean, I didn't blame you or anything; it wasn't surprising you'd feel like that. I just…basically thought you wished I'd disappear but you were trying to be nice." There were some things she couldn't say aloud; at the time, she'd been convinced he'd realized all there was to her was a pretty face when it reality she was far too difficult for anyone to want to deal with. All her life up to that point, she'd been terrified she'd be revealed as "just a pretty face", and the belief she'd been discovered as that by the only guy she'd ever truly been in love with had ripped her into a million pieces.

Ryan winced; as always, her NOT blaming him made it impossible for him to be angry or even brush it off as him being justified. Regardless of whether or not he had been, she had been hurt. And he HATED it when she was hurt. "It wasn't like that," he said, somewhat helplessly. "I was still so…hurt at the time. I was still in love with you, and I didn't even know what to do with that. I'd had to learn how to just let people go and never look back, and I thought I was pretty good at it- until you. Every time I was near you, I wanted to be WITH you. I didn't even know how to make casual talk in the halls, or just laugh and play video games when there was still so much between us. I didn't know how to reconcile my feelings of mistrust and fear of getting hurt again with still loving you; if anything made it awkward, that did. It wasn't that I wanted you to disappear. Deep down, that's the last thing I wanted."

Marissa nodded, the tightness in her chest easing a little. Logically, she knew that, but it was nice to hear. "I get it," she said simply. "I never blamed you for anything you did back then. No one can blame you for not trusting me. And then…Theresa was there."

A thousand times looking back, Ryan wished he'd handled everything differently. No matter what had gone down between them, he'd still been in love with Marissa and he had no business getting involved with someone else until he'd resolved those feelings. It wasn't fair to him, Theresa, or Marissa. And to get involved with a girl two steps away from being engaged, no less…it had been reckless and it had been stupid, and everyone he cared about ended up paying for it. "I wasn't anything approaching in love with her," he said out loud at length, trying to sort it out in his own mind as much as he tried to explain it to Marissa. "Not even for one second. It's so easy for me to see that now. Theresa was…my Luke, I guess. I mean, she was better than Luke-" Marissa surprised even herself by giggling at that and Ryan gave her a wry smile "-but she was the safe choice. The easy road. Someone I'd known all my life who hadn't really hurt me, although I can see now it's more because I didn't give her the power to than anything else. I mean, she could hurt me like a friend I cared about could hurt me, but she couldn't just…kill me."

"The way I did," Marissa quietly finished the unspoken sentence, hanging her head. "I didn't mean to. I know that I did, but I never wanted to."

"I know that," Ryan responded softly, gently touching her chin so she raised her face back up. "And I know I've done it to you without meaning to, too. I guess that's the downside to being in love: that person can hurt you like no one else. Now, I know that it's worth it when you consider everything you get that's good." Marissa smiled a little at that. "Back then, it still scared the hell out of me, so I went for the safe route. And Theresa was it- or so I thought." He rubbed his forehead. "Even with that, I knew something was off with the whole situation when it was all three of us together. It felt so off, in a way it hadn't felt off when you met her at Thanksgiving. I mean, that was weird but this was just…wrong. And then I would try to talk to you about it at lunch or something, but there were these walls I couldn't get around." He still remembered that day at lunch vividly; knowing she'd been hurt when she saw Theresa and struggling to say something to make it right. It should have been easier when she brushed it off so simply, but it only made it harder for him because he'd known she was both protecting herself and working overtime to try and make it seem like they could just be friends, even if it hurt her.

"I'd made things for you hard enough," Marissa said wearily. "I didn't want to make them harder." She also hadn't wanted to humiliate herself by showing just how much she was hurting over a relationship that was clearly over, but that remained a little too much to admit aloud. "Even then, with every word out of my mouth I felt like I was trying too hard, like I should just leave you alone but I couldn't seem to be able to. I would do things like show up at your house and feel like the biggest idiot."

"I was grateful for it on some level." Marissa looked up at him in surprise and he gave her one of his trademark half smiles. "Maybe I should have told you that, I don't know. I didn't want to confuse you. I was still so messed up myself. Still, it meant a lot to me that you still cared enough to try, even if I wasn't sending you any signals that I wanted you to. That's always mattered to me, just that you cared. For me, trying too hard is always better than not trying at all."

"Good thing you got stuck with me, then," Marissa said lightly, resting her head on his shoulder. "Trying too hard is my specialty."

"It's a VERY good thing," Ryan responded huskily, tipping up her chin for a brief kiss. "As for Theresa…I just should have known better. I mean, once Eddie came to see me, I should have known I was in over my head, and for something that wasn't even worth it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't end up with Eddie, but I shouldn't have made such a mess out of everyone's lives for a girl I wasn't even in love with. Hell, I made a mess out of her life."

_I think Theresa did that just fine on her own_, Marissa wanted to say, but she didn't want to seem petty or judgmental. She truly liked Theresa and God knew she couldn't judge a person for making a mess out of their lives; she'd turned that into an art form. "I went to see Theresa soon after that," she said out loud, unsure if she wanted to admit this but figuring she might as well strive for some kind of honesty here. Ryan jolted in surprise and stared down at her blankly. She sighed. "I felt SO pathetic even when I was doing it. I mean, what did anything she had to say matter? It's not like you were coming back to me, Theresa or no Theresa. I just…" she lifted her shoulders helplessly. "I had to know if she was in love with you. I told myself it was closure; maybe it was really some form of self-torture. Regardless, she didn't give me a straight answer although I definitely got the impression she wasn't in love with Eddie." She still remembered Theresa's lovely story about the church and how it had broken her heart at the time because she HAD felt that kind of love- and lost it do to her own stupidity.

It was ironic, Ryan thought, that they'd had similar urges at the same time, if for different reasons. He'd gone to see Eddie then too. But whereas Marissa had been fighting for love, he didn't even know what he'd been fighting for. Safety? Security? The comfort of an old friend he hadn't wanted to give up at the time? Regardless, it had led him to the exact WRONG choice, and down a path he'd never been fully able to find his way back from.

"So whatever you did at that time led you to Theresa," Marissa said softly, as if reading his mind.

Ryan closed his eyes, knowing the pain that must be behind her calm, serene exterior. He knew what it was like to see her with someone else; he knew it must hurt her as much as it had hurt him. Nothing could be done about it now, but he still regretted how…unnecessary it had all been. "It shouldn't have," Ryan said simply at length. "It's not like I was following my heart."

"Ryan…" Marissa sighed, pulling away somewhat. "You don't owe me any explanations."

"It's not about explanations; it's just the truth. I wasn't in love with her, and I shouldn't have been with her." Ryan said firmly.

"Okay, Ryan." Marissa said a little testily, inching further away on the bed. "I get it. You've said it plenty of times now." Her voice came out sharper than she'd intended, but she didn't WANT to hear about any of this. Every time she thought about that time period, where he'd seemed so caught up in Theresa when she was still reeling from their break-up, she inched dangerously closer to an anger that had no outlet and no point since she hadn't been betrayed.

Ryan eyed her warily; he wasn't sure how he should proceed down this path. "Okay," he relented at length. "Again, I want you to know I appreciated your offers to help. I was impressed with you back then; you had more guts and class than I would have in your shoes."

Marissa smiled without any real warmth or humor. "That's me," she mumbled. "Classy lady, always tries to step aside gracefully." She'd tried. She'd really tried to take the advice she'd gotten from Luke that day and tried to simply be his friend. No matter how much it hurt, she hadn't wanted them to become total strangers, and she'd still felt so horribly guilty. The least she could do was be a friend.

"I was an ass to you the second time you tried, after Eddie flipped out on me," Ryan said ruefully. "I know it probably sounded like I was questioning your motives."

"Little bit," Marissa confirmed; Ryan almost smiled at her matter of fact tone of voice. At least she was cutting through the crap.

"A million things were going on in my head," Ryan explained. "I was in SO far over my head with Theresa; she was planning on dropping out of school and getting a job…and then Eddie was there railing on me, and at the time I almost felt like he had a right to be. Deep down, I felt like I was interfering in a situation I had no right to interfere in. But then he accused me of sleeping with her…and you were right there." The image of her face was still crystal clear in his mind; he'd seen her for only a second over Eddie's shoulder, but he'd seen the indescribable pain in her eyes for that split second before she'd managed to hide beneath her mask again had given Ryan the irrational and almost overwhelming urge to beat the hell out of Eddie, as well as sending shock waves of guilt throughout his own system. After Eddie had bolted, he'd once again become overwhelmed with the Theresa incident but moreover hadn't known what to do with his shame and guilt as he looked at Marissa, so he'd bolted as well, and once again angry that he'd felt guilty in the first place, he lashed out at her. "I don't think I really thought you had some ulterior motive," he admitted. " I was just so confused and angry at the world that I was in yet another drama that I probably shouldn't be in. Granted, it was my own fault, but anger isn't always rational." Marissa smiled wryly at that; wasn't that the truth. "It sucks that I bit your head off for trying to be the bigger person, that's all," he finished.

Marissa waved it off. "Honestly, I wasn't that offended. I knew you were stressed out; I didn't take it that personally. I wished at the time you hadn't asked such a blunt question so I wouldn't have to further embarrass myself or push my somewhat unwanted help on you again, but I wasn't pissed off or anything."

"You had nothing to be embarrassed about; you were just trying to be nice," Ryan pointed out. "I was the one who should have been embarrassed. And I was upset about the whole Eddie thing, so I went to confront Theresa."

"And you ended up sleeping with her."

Marissa's words might as well have been a gunshot; the silence in the room that followed was deafening. That one stupid mistake had cost Ryan more than he could have dreamed of; he'd almost ruined his whole life. He'd eventually been forced to leave town, which had had a devastating effect on the Cohens and had damaged his relationship with Marissa so severely, it had taken months to recover from it. While realistically Ryan knew it was only one in a series of events where everyone held some kind of responsibility, it was his knee-jerk reaction to always blame himself. He'd grown up being taught to always blame himself. And he didn't suppose the guilt from this one catastrophic mistake would ever completely go away.

"I don't know what to say," he finally, quietly responded at length. "It was a mistake, there's no doubt about that. I was so careless to do it in the first place. I could tell you again I wasn't in love with her, but that just seemed to piss you off the last time."

Marissa closed her eyes and shook her head. "Ryan…" she muttered, now so far on her own side of the bed she was almost falling off. She didn't want to go there. She SO didn't want to go there.

"WHAT, Marissa?" Ryan finally burst out in frustration, making her jump. "You were the one who said it earlier! What does it matter if I didn't technically betray you? What does it matter if you don't think you had a right to be hurt? Just TELL me. Tell me that I hurt you. Tell me how I made you feel."

Something inside Marissa snapped, and the tears began to silently stream down her face. "What do you want me to say, Ryan?" she demanded. "You want me to tell you that knowing you slept with her so soon after breaking up with me ripped my heart out? You want me to tell you how worthless and not good enough I felt at the time? You want to hear about how I cried myself to sleep every night? You want to hear about how I felt betrayed even though I had no right to, how I felt like I never meant anything to you even if that's what I deserved because I made you feel like you never meant anything to me with Oliver? What is it you WANT, Ryan? Are you happy now? Feel guilty enough? Am I humiliated enough?" Her speech had spilled out in one long rush and now she was left with only shaky breaths as they stared silently at each other for a moment.

"It's not what I wanted," Ryan responded finally. "It doesn't make me happy. But I think you needed to say it, so I'm glad you did."

Marissa had to admit, she DID feel lighter after her outburst, if completely drained. "Maybe I did," she mumbled in exhaustion.

Ryan pursed his lips, uncertain if he should pursue the next question. Curiosity eventually won out. "Why do you get so agitated when I tell you I wasn't in love with Theresa?" he asked, frowning. "I thought that would make you feel better, not worse."

Marissa groaned in agitation, getting up off the bed. He just couldn't let this go. "Fine, you weren't in love with her. I get everything that that implies, Ryan. You were still in love with me, but I ruined everything and forced you into the arms of another woman. If I hadn't betrayed you with Oliver, none of this would have happened. It's my fault you slept with her; it's my fault you ended up leaving. Okay?" Slumping into her chair, she buried her face in her hands.

Ryan could only stare at her in shock for a long moment. "I have never so much as considered that to be the truth," he finally managed. "I've never thought my choices with Theresa were your fault." Hesitantly, he got off the bed himself and went to kneel on the floor near her chair, wanting to touch her but fearing it wasn't the right thing at the moment. "But obviously you have."

With those words, all the fight drained out of Marissa. She looked up at him, her face streaked with tears and her eyes filled with guilty misery. "Every single day over last summer, I thought about it," she confessed, her voice barely even a whisper. "What if I hadn't been SO stupid? What if I'd just SEEN Oliver for what he was? You never would have slept with Theresa because you never would have cheated on me. And so you wouldn't have had to leave."

"Oh, baby," Ryan softly repeated his soothing endearments of the night before. "Is that what you've thought this whole time? That's it's your fault? Is that why you're so hesitant to get angry, because you thought that would come out?" Sighing deeply, he stood up long enough to pick her up, then sat down himself in the chair and sat her on his lap. She appeared too taken aback to protest, so he went on. "Listen to me," he said firmly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "My choices are just that: MY choices. Whatever happened with Oliver, you didn't make me do what I did. I did that on my own, and it's mine to live with. You always hassle me about blaming myself for things; please don't get on my bandwagon." Marissa giggled a little shakily and Ryan smiled, encouraged at the sound.

"Thank you for saying that," she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder. It helped somehow, to admit it and know when it was said out loud that it was wrong on some level, to see Ryan's honestly shocked reaction to it. He truly didn't blame her. Deep down she knew he probably didn't, but it never hurt to really KNOW. "But you know, you need to let it go a little yourself. So you were a hurt kid who screwed up and slept with the wrong person for the wrong reasons, You aren't even the only person in the room to have done that," she pointed out. "Maybe it was dumb, but it's over."

"I'll try to let it go if you try to let it go," Ryan bargained, only half playfully. When Marissa put it in such blunt, simple terms, it made the level of guilt seem somewhat melodramatic; he wanted to do the same for her.

Marissa laughed in spite of herself. It was strange, how similar two so profoundly different people could be sometimes. "Deal," she agreed.

Ryan kissed her shoulder. "Really, it ended after that. I mean, she came to the party and Eddie punched me out-" he cut himself off as he recalled something. "I don't know if you understand just how amazed I was by you that night. I mean, giving Theresa a dress? I swear to God, I think I fell a little more in love with you in that moment."

Marissa smiled faintly. "I felt like for once I was being a good and selfless friend. Even if it hurt, it…I guess it hurt in a better way than everything before it."

Ryan simply nodded. He didn't particularly want to tell her about Summer's talk; that would remain between him and Summer. But hearing about how she had a good heart and she still loved him, combined with that incredibly selfless little act she pulled for Theresa, had melted away most of his remaining anger about Oliver. In the long run, it was an important step in getting them back together. "Anyway, it was over after the party. She left and I didn't see her again until after she was back with Eddie."

"I did." Ryan looked at her in surprise. "She came over to give back my dress and ask me to take care of you," she explained.

Ryan smiled a little at that; it was nice to know Theresa had understood in the end where his heart was, that she hadn't been horribly angry or betrayed. "You have," he said simply. "At the end of the day….you have."


	14. Chapter 13

_**Author's Note: **First off, I tried to make the site where my vids are kept (it's not my site; the site is just kind enough to host them) my homepage in my profile, so people who want to check out my vids, see if that works. Thank you for all the comments! Some really interesting ones for the last chapter. I should probably let it be known that for the purposes of this story, I'm a big believer in everyone being responsible for their own actions. Therefore, Marissa is responsible for what happened with Oliver and Ryan is responsible for what happened with Theresa. As one of you mentioned, if you try to take it back any further than that, then it just gets ridiculously complicated. However, I can see both of them feeling guilty for things that happened to the other person, especially Ryan in general or Marissa when it comes to Oliver. _

**Chapter Thirteen**

"I guess the next big thing that happened is the whole LA thing," Marissa commented as she and Ryan re-entered her room and climbed back onto her bed with clean clothes and snacks.

Ryan groaned. "Don't remind me. That whole thing was such a disaster." That was when the awkwardness of not being with Marissa anymore had truly hit him. Theresa was no longer around to distract him and he'd realized pretty quickly when he found out about the Julie/Luke mess that he still instinctively felt and reacted like Marissa's boyfriend.

"How did you even find out about my mom and Luke?" Marissa inquired curiously, although she was somewhat uncertain about whether or not she wanted to know. While she had since softened on her mother and the concept wasn't as horrifying as it had been back then, it was still…nasty.

Ryan shifted uncomfortably, flushing a little. "Uh, I saw them. At The Mermaid. I'd…left my watch there."

Marissa digested that and winced. Lovely, a double whammy. "So you decided to confront Luke?" she quickly changed the subject, not particularly wanting to think about either her mother and Luke or Ryan and Theresa in a motel.

Ryan nodded, relieved they were going to let that go. "As soon as I saw them, I knew if it kept up it would only be a matter of time before you found out and I couldn't stand the thought of what that would do to you."

"Ryan…" Marissa hesitated and sighed, uncertain of how to phrase what she was thinking.

Ryan looked at her inquiringly. "Yeah? Go on," he prompted.

Marissa shrugged. "I mean…didn't you ever wonder why you were doing it? I mean, we weren't together. I gave you a free pass to not be involved in my life when I said we should spend time apart. And it's like you didn't even consider that."

"I didn't," Ryan said bluntly. "I know now why, of course. I was still in love with you. I still wanted to protect you from any possible pain I could. At the time…" he shook his head helplessly. "I don't even know what I was thinking, only that I never considered staying out of your life. Which should have been a red flag, I know."

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely glad you felt that way," Marissa hastened to say. "I'm so glad you still cared about me. I was just…wondering. I wondered what was going through your head at the time."

"You." Ryan smiled a little and stroked her hair. "Just you. All I did was worry about what would happen if you found out, which was really probably just an excuse to allow myself to think about you more freely."

Marissa grinned and hugged his arm, resting her head against his shoulder. She liked the thought of that. Even if the concept of 'allowing one's self' to think about something confused her; she thought about whatever she did regardless of whether or not she wanted to. She knew Ryan was different though, and it was nice to hear he thought about her whether he wanted to or not, to the point of welcoming the chance to let himself think about her. "So what about when I said I wanted to spend time apart; what did you think then?"

"It hurt," Ryan admitted, surprising even himself with his quick, instinctive reply. Maybe they were getting somewhere after all. "I mean, I could try to pretend that I was just worried my plan to get you out of town while Luke ended things with Julie wouldn't work, but the truth is…it just hurt. Even when our run-ins were uncomfortable, it wasn't as bad as the thought of outright avoiding each other, or that you were so unhappy around me that you didn't want to be near me anymore."

"That wasn't it!" Marissa protested. "I mean, yes it was awkward and uncomfortable, but it wasn't that I didn't WANT to be around you. I just thought it was the mature thing to do, and I thought it would be easier on you and maybe me, too. Plus I was kinda trying to be more like Theresa," she confessed. "You know, stable, mature…I thought I might be more appealing in the long run that way."

"Hey." Ryan tilted her chin up to look in her eyes. "I don't want you to be anyone but you. Besides, it's not like Theresa didn't come with her own set of problems."

Marissa laughed in spite of herself. "Well, I abandoned that concept pretty quickly," she said wryly. "At any rate, I also was just feeling so pathetic and needy. I wanted to prove I could be on my own for awhile. Not that I did a very good job with that."

"Well, let's face it, I had my own hand in that," Ryan admitted. "I was the one pushing us together through most of that time."

"And that's what I really wanted," Marissa said softly. "As much as I would have liked to think I was proud of myself for being independent and letting you off the hook, I was so much happier when you showed up at my door and seemed to want me to come so badly."

"You know, I would have wanted you to come regardless," Ryan murmured, stroking her hair. "I know you felt later that I didn't really want you there for you but just so I could save another damsel in distress, but I really would have wanted you there even if the Luke/Julie thing hadn't happened. It never feels right when it's Seth, Summer, and me and you aren't there."

"It was a stupid thing to get upset over," Marissa confessed. "Whichever way it was intended, it still meant you cared about me." She smiled up at him. "But thank you for saying that, anyway."

Ryan kissed her forehead. "So then there was the disastrous actual trip," he laughed. "Seth and Summer fighting as usual, Hailey as a stripper….but I gotta say, I'm still glad because I wouldn't have missed you talking us back into that club for the world." He shoved her playfully. "Shorter than you imagined, huh?"

Marissa broke into giggles. "Oh come on, I had to make some smartass comment in all that," she defended herself. "The situation was begging for it."

"Uh huh," Ryan teased. "I was impressed! I saw traces of that girl who used to ride around on the back of my bike; we were letting go of the mistrust and pain and having fun again. I loved just being able to joke around with you and have fun like we used to."

"So did I." Marissa snuggled deeper into his shoulder. "But then we came home and it all went to hell."

Ryan flinched. The mere memory of the shock, horror, pain, and betrayal on her face as she had walked out of the bathroom to confront him and Luke almost made him feel sick to his stomach; it had gone through him like a knife in the gut at the time. "I'm so sorry about how that all went down," he said regretfully. "I know I probably should have told you right from the beginning so you didn't find out like that. I was trying to spare you any pain at all, and you ended up feeling more pain than you would have if I'd just been honest."

Marissa sighed. The pain of the memories of that had faded as Luke had left town and she'd eventually come to a bizarre understanding with her mother, but it was still beyond uncomfortable and disturbing for her to think about. At length, she lifted her shoulders. "I know you were just trying to protect me. I wasn't really angry with you; it was just a knee jerk reaction and you happened to be there."

Ryan frowned, voicing a question he'd always wonder how she'd answer. "Why did you go to Theresa that night?"

Marissa bit her lip; it wasn't an easy question to answer. "It's complicated," she admitted at length. "I mean, I like Theresa. Beyond all the crap that's gone on in our lovely little triangle, I truly like her. And I felt like she was someone I could trust at the time, someone who was apart from the situation and wouldn't tell anyone I wouldn't want to be told. I don't think she even registers on my mother's radar, so she wouldn't have thought to look for me there."

"I did," Ryan said quietly.

Marissa nodded slowly. "You did. And I figured if you were the only person who could figure it out, that wouldn't be so bad."

Ryan smiled faintly; that wasn't so different from what Eddie had told him at the time. "You didn't seem too happy to see me," he pointed out.

Marissa blushed a little. "Oh, that…well, now might be a good time to tell you I think I'm a little bit crazy."

Ryan burst out laughing, more out of surprise than anything, and leaned down to capture her mouth in a firm kiss. "It's nice to know you can still surprise me sometimes after two years," he laughed, brushing her hair away from her face.

Marissa's cheeks reddened more; this time out of pleasure. "Well, thank you," she giggled somewhat awkwardly. "So yeah, I was feeling…so many things going on at once. I was disgusted, of course. With Luke and with my mom. I was angry that I had to find out about it like that. I was angry at…everything and everyone. So even though deep down I wanted you to be there, I wasn't going to make it easy on you."

"You didn't," Ryan said wryly. "I was so depressed throughout like half the party because I was convinced you hated me at first."

"Awww." Marissa rubbed his arm comfortingly. "I was pissed off at the world, but I was glad you were there on some level. But then you kept trying to get me to leave…I think I was kind of in denial about the whole thing up until that point. If I focused on running away and staying away, I wouldn't have to focus on what actually happened. When you started to make me face going home, and in a sense face what happened in the first place, I just totally lost it.

Ryan remembered. It was maybe the most out of control he'd ever seen her; for a minute he'd been worried he wouldn't be able to calm her down. "I probably shouldn't have provoked you by calling you self centered," he said ruefully.

Marissa shrugged dismissively. "I was being self-centered. I couldn't see past my own pain; you're right, it would have sucked for me to bolt and leave my kid sister and my father hanging."

"Yeah, but it wasn't necessarily the most sensitive thing to say, and it was a fair question directed at me, asking me why I was doing this," Ryan pointed out. "I wasn't exactly facing that myself."

"It sounds weird, but I like that you…let yourself get pissed off with me," Marissa commented, earning a confused look from Ryan. "I mean, I fight back of course, but you so rarely let yourself lose control at people you care about. It's good in the long run that you can tell me when you get pissed off; our relationships would have a lot MORE problems if you didn't."

Ryan considered her words; he'd never thought of it that way but she was probably right. He was usually afraid if he got too angry at people he cared about, they'd just walk away. However, no matter how angry he'd gotten at Marissa (justified or no), she'd never walked away. "You have a point," he conceded. "Okay, so you were pissed off and in the middle of a meltdown…"

"…and then I just broke down." Marissa recalled, still remembering vividly how she'd suddenly slumped in Ryan's arms, how he'd stopped struggling with her and just held her, murmuring comforting words neither of them would ever remember later. "It finally hit me. I wasn't in denial anymore, and I fell apart." She reached up and stroked his face tenderly, smiling a little sadly. "But you were there to catch me."

"I'm glad I was there," Ryan answered seriously and sincerely. "I'm glad you let me be." He kissed her forehead, then smiled a little to lighten the mood. "Then you impressed the hell out of by bitchslapping Luke."

Marissa laughed in spite of herself. "You know, once I broke down I knew it wasn't quite as monumental as I'd built it up to be in my mind. It was disgusting. They were disgusting for doing it, especially my mother. But it wasn't the end all be all, and I didn't have to run away from home and never come back. So I wasn't quite such a wreck anymore." She grinned wryly. "But I was still pissed off."

"I think you got that across," Ryan teased lightly, tickling her side and making her giggle and squirm. "Whatever the case, I'm glad your breakthrough got you to come home. You didn't do anything wrong; if anyone should have been running, it was them."

_Luke did run._ Part of Marissa was still regretful about that. No matter what he'd done, he was such a huge part of her childhood and sometimes she missed him. But from the few awkward correspondences they'd attempted, he was happy in Portland and she was glad for him. "I was confused about us in that time period," she remembered aloud. "I mean, I was confused about what you wanted. You seemed perfectly content to hang out with me all the time, but I didn't know if you meant it or just felt sorry for me."

"I think I pretty much acknowledged to myself I wanted to get back together at Theresa's party," Ryan confessed. "I just wasn't exactly sure how to go about it. I didn't know if we'd resolved anything, if it mattered, if you were ready to get back together considering everything else going on in your life…I mean, I basically made myself your boyfriend without any of the fun stuff by that point."

Marissa couldn't help laughing, even as she shoved him playfully. "Nice to know where YOUR priorities were. But at any rate, you shouldn't have worried. Believe me, I was ready for anything you were willing to give me." She still grinned as she recalled their kiss by the pier, how everything had seemed to fall into place and all her troubles had seemed to melt away as soon as their lips met.

"You know, I was half afraid you'd tell me to back off?" Ryan was gratified to see her give him an incredulous look. "I was! I was trying to be all casual about it, but I had no idea how you'd react."

Marissa shook her head. "Sweetie, for future reference, there are VERY VERY few occasions where I can imagine telling you to back off when you go to kiss me."

Ryan inwardly smiled; she only rarely used endearments but he liked it when she did. "Noted," he returned playfully. "Anyway, I got that impression that day." It had surprised him, how easily they fit back together. Within an hour, he was in her apartment like he owned the place and they were making out on the couch like they always had. "I don't know if it's the most healthy thing that we basically pretended we'd never been apart," he admitted now. "I just knew that I wanted so badly not to lose you again, I was afraid to rock the boat."

"I felt the same way," Marissa remembered. "I thought if I tried to talk about it, I'd just push you away and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you after I'd just gotten you back."

"It was good back then, even if we skipped some parts we shouldn't," Ryan smiled a little. "We felt really steady to me. Even though Luke's accident and leaving, Caleb's blackmail…it felt like nothing could separate us. We were a team in all of it."

It had felt like that. Marissa had cherished the feeling. Unfortunately, as always, things never lasted for very long like that with them. Taking a deep breath, Marissa decided to take the plunge into the next topic, a topic that had ultimately ended their relationship for more than a year.

"But then Theresa came back."


	15. Chapter 14

_**Author's Note: **as always, thank you so much for the comments! I'm glad y'all are enjoying the story. I'm glad people are enjoying my somewhat kinder impression of Marissa. Marissa probably has the edge as my favorite (I have a soft spot for Mischa; I'm a big fan of hers from her Once and Again days) although Ryan is right behind her, so I'm glad people feel I'm writing well for both of them. As for my vids, I put the link to them as my home page in my profile. Does that work? Thanks for the "Fix You" compliment! That seems to be a popular one; I really liked making it. As for this chapter, I know the ending is a little blah, but the next chapter is going to be an in betweener that flashes back to last summer, so that's what that's about._

**Chapter Fourteen**

"_Then Theresa came back."_

So they'd finally come to it- to the topic that had ultimately ended their relationship for close to a year, a period Ryan wasn't sure either of them had ever really gotten past. "We were happy before that," he said quietly, sadly, as he remembered that all-too-brief time. "For once, I felt like we were really on the same page. We knew each other better, we knew what it felt like to lose each other, and we didn't want it to happen again, so it's like we were working harder on creating a stable relationship. And I think it was working."

"It was," Marissa murmured, her heart aching in a bittersweet manner as she recalled the brief, fleeting memories of that period. Happy, giggly group outings with Seth and Summer…lazy, passionate make out sessions…quiet movie nights…laughing games of Packman every day at school. "I felt like we were such a normal couple, and I relished it in all the insanity going on in my life. It made everything with my mom easier; I was even enjoying needling her."

Ryan snorted in spite of himself. "That's the truth," he said wryly, still grinning at the memory of her playfully deciding to invite her aunt and relishing in the reaction. A lot of people only ever saw one of two sides of Marissa: the poised, mature, graceful adult and the melodramatic child. Her mischievous, playful side was always a rare treat. As his mind drifted to what happened next, the smile faded. "Then we ran into Theresa at the bakery," he sighed. "I'm…I'm sorry for how I acted back then, by the way. I know I kind of ignored you."

Marissa gave him one of her Looks. "Ryan, I have to break two things to you. First, if you didn't flip out about a close friend who was getting beaten by her fiancé, I'd have you checked into a psych ward. Second, if one of MY friends were getting beaten, I hate to say it but I might ignore you sometimes, too."

Ryan couldn't help but smile; she had a point about that first issue in particular. "Yeah, but she was an ex I'd slept with while were broken up. I didn't know if you knew that-"

"On some level, I did," Marissa admitted. "I don't think I completely accepted it until Theresa told me, but when Eddie punched you at that party, part of me knew what must have happened."

Ryan nodded tiredly; he figured as much. Marissa knew him well enough to know what something like that must mean. "Anyway, it was just…it was never anything more than concern for a good friend. I hope you know that. I'd accepted at that point that what happened with her was a mistake and I'd been in love with you the whole time. I probably should have made that clear. You're important, too. No matter what, your feelings count."

Marissa shrugged. "I knew. Now that's not to say I want you doing things like taking my car to do something illegal again…" Ryan flushed at that "…but I knew you loved me. Even Kirsten told me that." Ryan blinked at her and she elaborated. "When I came over the night after you bolted from the shower. She told me that you loved me and to make room for Theresa to be in your life, because you weren't going anywhere."

Ryan smiled faintly; it was nice that Kirsten knew that and that she'd try to smooth things over with Marissa. "She's right. I hope you knew that."

"I did." Marissa took his hand and laced their fingers together. "Not to say I was thrilled with the situation, not to say I didn't have my moments of insecurity, but I knew that you loved me and once you got over the shock and anger of what was going on, you worked at making sure I remembered that."

"I felt like such a crappy friend at the time because I just wanted Theresa to leave," Ryan confessed. "I mean, Seth and I would go down to the pool house to try and figure out a way of asking her how long she was staying. I wanted to help her out, but I didn't want her to take over my life and wreck my relationship with you, either."

Marissa smiled sadly. "If she had just stayed a little while, if nothing else had been going on, she wouldn't have. I worked to accept you were doing what you had to do; I know you'd never cheat on me."

"I know you do, and I appreciate that. I know I said this before, but I want to say it again." Ryan absently kissed her head. "You've never been overwhelmingly jealous or possessive; you're not a bitch to girls I used to date, or date while we're apart. You made an effort to be nice to Theresa when most girls wouldn't do anything like that. I really, really appreciate that. I know I'm not as good as you are about this, but it means a lot to me that you don't get pissed off about things like that."

"Well, you deserve some of the credit." Marissa stroked his face lightly. "I wouldn't trust you in that area if you gave me a reason not to."

Ryan kissed her softly and rested his forehead against hers, dreading what was coming next. "So I went to Vegas," he said slowly, hesitantly. "I was trying to be a decent friend and get her out of town at the same time, which still probably wasn't being a decent friend but I told myself I was at the time. And while I was there…"

"Theresa told me the truth," Marissa finished for him, pulling away and sitting up, wrapping her arms around her knees in a protective, defensive manner. That conversation was probably forever burned into her memory, along with the shock and pain that had gone along with it.

Ryan hesitated to ask, but he'd wondered about this for over a year now. "How did you find out exactly? I mean, that she was…and how it related to me?"

Marissa considered her words carefully; it was the one time she'd felt genuinely angry and resentful of Theresa for something she'd actually done as opposed to just circumstance, and felt justified in feeling that way. However, she still didn't want to come out and bash her. "Honestly…I felt like she wanted to tell me so I'd tell you," she admitted. "I mean, I guess she was just scared. I'd be scared. It's just…I asked her about it as a joke, she easily could have lied if she didn't want me to know. And even when she told me, I wasn't remotely connecting it to you. I don't know if I was in denial or what, but the thought didn't cross my mind. I told her we didn't have to talk about it if she didn't want to, but she just kept right on going. I asked her if she was going to tell Eddie…she could have just said he was going to make her marry him and left it at that, but she told me he might accuse her of it not being his. I asked her whose it could be and she just gave me this LOOK…and I knew." Marissa rested her chin on her knees, the pain, shock, and fear of that moment still vivid in her mind.

Ryan winced. He'd been afraid of something like that, and he couldn't say he was entirely surprised. He was torn on how to react; instinctively above all, he was angry at Theresa for using Marissa in a way that would hurt her like that; Marissa had never done a damn thing to deserve it. On the other hand, Theresa had been terrified and alone at the time, and she'd gone through so much since. He doubted she set out to hurt Marissa; she just wasn't thinking about her period. "That sucks that she did that," he said at length. "I mean, I really don't think she was TRYING to hurt you. She likes you, I know she does. Hell, she's defended you. I think she was terrified to tell me and she used you to do it instead. I know it wasn't intended to hurt, but it still sucks. I'm sorry she did that; I would never have wanted to cause you any more pain than that situation was already going to. I wish I could have been able to tell you myself."

Marissa sighed. "I know she didn't. And at the end of the day, I guess that was the least of our problems. So I told you like I guess she wanted me to."

Ryan KNEW he'd never forget that. He'd been so confused about the anger that seemingly came out of nowhere, about her picking a random fight about her father, going so far to try and slam the door in his face. And now he realized she'd still tried to give Theresa a chance to tell him face to face. His heart ached. Marissa couldn't have handled anything about that situation more gracefully, and it made him hurt all the more. "I'm so sorry," he finally said huskily. "I was sorry then, I'm sorry now. I was careless. I slept with a girl I didn't love and I didn't use protection. And you ended up paying a price for it."

"Guess you were too eager, huh?" The words slipped out before Marissa could stop them. Ryan flinched. "I'm sorry," she said immediately, her bitterness quickly fading into regret. "That was a low blow. You don't owe me any explanation for what you did with your sex life when we were apart."

"No, no." Ryan shook his head tiredly. "Say it. You handled the situation like a saint the last time around; might as well get some aggression out. Besides, our relationship aside I acted like an utter idiot and I should get called on it."

Marissa now knew what he meant when he said her taking criticism well only made him feel worse. "People in glass houses…" she said wearily. "Besides, I think you beat yourself up enough for both of us."

"I…" Ryan struggled to find the words to say this properly, wasn't sure if it was possible for him to do so. "I know this doesn't mean much considering what happened, but I just want to…thank you. For standing by me, for taking everything so well back then. I had no right to ask you to stay with me. I knew that when I did it. But I just couldn't…" he rubbed a hand over his face. "If you'd walked away from me, if you'd been angry, if you'd hated me, I would have collapsed. Maybe literally. It was selfish of me to ask you to stay with me." He remembered how desperate he'd been in the school yard that day, how terrified he'd been that she'd leave him. She had every right to. But he couldn't stand it. He couldn't lose her on top of everything else. So he asked her to stay, expecting she wouldn't- and she did. Unlike everyone else before her, she did. "It was so selfish. But I'm more grateful than I can ever say that you did."

"I WANTED to stay," Marissa insisted. "I wanted you to ask me to stay. Theresa or no Theresa, baby or no baby. I didn't want to lose you. I love you. I always have, even when I don't show it in the best way."

Ryan reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. "You showed it in the best way then," he said softly, stroking her cheek. "You were the only thing that kept me sane. God, when Theresa told me she was having an abortion and I didn't know how to feel…I shouldn't have even been talking to you about that beyond the facts, but you put aside everything to try and make me feel better. I thought if you loved me that much, then maybe everything would be okay."

"Fair or unfair, you have to tell me things like that or I won't understand," Marissa said gently. "That's the whole point of why we're talking about it now."

Ryan conceded that point to her. "I'm glad you think of it like that, because I needed you back then. And you came through for me."

"For once," Marissa muttered.

Ryan frowned and reached out to tilt up her chin. "Hey. That's not true. You did it before that and God knows you've done it since. We've both made mistakes in this relationship, but you have come through for me. Hell, just by never giving up on me even when I pushed you away, you came through for me in a way almost no one else has."

Marissa found that sad, that THAT was his measuring stick of how well a person was treating him. She didn't press the point; it was going to be hard enough to handle what happened next. "I guess it doesn't matter…since Theresa decided not to have the abortion." She made a conscious effort not to move away from Ryan's hand; she didn't know how well she'd be able go through this if he were touching her, but touch clearly comforted him and he'd been the one ripped away from his home.

Ryan still felt the effect of Theresa's bombshell like a gunshot; he'd hated himself for how he'd resented her when she asked him to come with her. He so desperately hadn't wanted to. He didn't know how he could go back to that old life knowing the life he could have. He didn't know how he could leave the Cohens and Marissa. But as soon as those words left her mouth, he knew if he abandoned her it would haunt him for the rest of his life. "Honestly, one of the worst parts of deciding to leave was knowing I'd have to tell you." He wanted to pull her closer to reassure himself she was here now, but he didn't know if that's what she wanted. "I was sitting there at that dinner and you were watching me…and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know how to hurt you like that. I'd sworn to myself I never would."

"I knew," Marissa whispered, not even noticing the first tear to fall down her face. "When you wouldn't look at me…I just knew. I wasn't even surprised when you told me, because I already knew." She couldn't begin to explain all the emotions that had gone through her at the time. The agony of knowing she was going to lose him, the FEAR of being so completely without him, the guilt of feeling like it was at least partially her fault, and overall the icy black numbness of losing one of the last things that truly mattered to her. She'd barely felt alive.

Even now, the guilt was crushing Ryan. Every time he looked at Marissa that night, and in the wedding the next day, he'd felt like he was slowly, painfully dying inside. He knew she was being basically held captive in a house with people she hated, and he was taking away some of the last bit of light in her life by leaving her. He didn't know how HE could stand it. He'd truly believed that day he'd think about her for the rest of his life, and he didn't know how he could take it. He imagined her having new boyfriends, going off to college and experiencing it all without him, and he'd wanted to die. "I don't even know what to say now," he murmured. "I felt so incredibly guilty and unhappy. I knew what I'd done was horrible, even if I hadn't meant to. I asked you to stay with me, I got your hopes up, and I told you I was leaving you the next day."

Marissa shook her head, the tears blurring her vision. "I was never angry about that. You had no way of knowing what Theresa would do."

"It doesn't matter," Ryan said quietly but firmly. "It doesn't mean I hurt you any less. I never should have made promises before any of us knew what we were doing in the situation. I wanted to tell you something about that when we danced…"

As soon as he mentioned the dance, the dam burst and Marissa fell apart. She'd had more traumatizing moments than that dance, but to this day she couldn't remember anything that had ripped her heart out as that final good bye had. She buried her face in her hands, quiet sobs racking her body. Startled by her impulsive reaction, Ryan helplessly tried to rub her back soothingly. When she didn't respond, he leaned forward to wrap her in his arms. She didn't respond at first, but as he continued to hold her and rock her gently, her arms slowly came around him until she was clinging so tightly to him he didn't know if he'd be able to get himself loose.

"I'm sorry," Marissa whispered shakily at length. "I know that day was harder for you than it was for me. I didn't want to make remembering it worse."

"Sssh." Ryan continued to rock her and stroke her hair. "Don't be sorry. I think you needed to break down over that; I don't know that you really got to the last time. And I needed to be there for you like I couldn't that day. I loved you. I wanted to tell you that I loved you so badly when you said it to me, but I couldn't because I knew I couldn't leave if I did. So I stayed silent when I should have given you that one last thing."

Marissa wanted to tell him it was okay, but found she couldn't. The truth was, that moment where he'd stayed silent had haunted her for a long time. "I understand," she whispered instead, as she had then. She did. It didn't mean she liked it, it didn't mean it hadn't hurt her at the time, but she now understood why he hadn't been able to say it.

Ryan accepted that, feeling as if it were more than he deserved. "You know what's weird? I was glad you were the last person I saw leaving town, just like the last time I had done it. I had that image of you against the sun in my head, and I could keep it with me forever." And at the time, he'd believed that he'd never come back. For the time being, they'd both believed their relationship was over forever.

Marissa found some comfort in that idea, that he'd wanted to think about her after he left. Even if that moment had hurt her, if that had come out of it she was glad. Impulsively, she pulled back only enough so she could seek out his lips with her own. Startled at first, Ryan quickly responded to the kiss, pulling her more fully onto his lap so he could gain better access to her mouth. "Wow," he murmured huskily against her lips when it was over. "What was that for?"

Marissa shrugged. "I guess I just needed to remind myself you're here with me now."

Ryan smiled gently and brushed her hair away from her beautiful face. "Always," he promised. "I mean it this time. I can't imagine something like that happening again." He grinned wryly. "I'm too selfish now. If I leave, I'm taking you with me."

Marissa giggled and cuddled closer into him. "Mmmm, I'll be a willing captive."

"I love you." Marissa's giggles immediately died at the intensity of his voice; she looked into his eyes and felt mesmerized by the blazing blue. "I'll never not tell you that again. I love you so much."

Marissa opened her mouth and couldn't speak for a minute; the emotion was too strong. She buried her face into his neck until it passed enough for her to return the sentiment.

"I love you, too."


	16. Chapter 15

_**Author's Notes: **thanks yet again for all the comments! Y'all really make me feel appreciated! To answer a question, I absolutely intend on covering Lindsay, D.J, and Alex! It's not going to be as easy to see me go episode by episode because Ryan and Marissa didn't have a whole lot of interaction in that time period, but I fully intend on discussing how they felt about their other partners, how they felt about each other's other partners, and the feelings they had for those other people compared to the feelings they have for each other. I really feel like they didn't talk about this time period enough, so I'm definitely planning on convering a lot of ground here. In response to another comment, the POV that Ryan is somehow Marissa's victim or that she's "sucking the life out of him" is not one you'll see in this story. I totally respect that opinion, but for me that takes out the choice Ryan has willingly- if not eagerly- made to be with her time and time again. Ryan knows what he's doing by now. He's a smart guy. He knows who she is and all the baggage she comes with, and he wants to be with her anyway. As for the Theresa situation, I absolutely believe Marissa was insecure about that. Insecurity doesn't really have anything to do with what Marissa's done wrong. No matter what she's done, that doesn't mean she isn't insecure sometimes._

****

**Chapter Fifteen**

Ryan and Marissa stayed cuddled together in comfortable silence for awhile, simply enjoying being close to each other after talking about a period where they'd believed they never would be again. They were interrupted at length by Marissa's stomach growling. Ryan cracked up and Marissa blushed. "Guess that's the cue to go scrounge something from the kitchen up for dinner. Tonight, we have a wide variety of choices ranging from mac and cheese to…mac and cheese."

"Well, that's a tough one," Ryan laughed. "Mac and cheese it is." He playfully smacked her butt as she climbed off his lap and she giggled. "Come on, I'll help. And by help, I mean watch."

Marissa rolled her eyes. "Oooh, don't strain yourself there." She dragged herself off the bed. "Give me a minute to get cleaned up in the bathroom." She went to head that way, then paused and turned back to the bed. "Ryan?" she inquired hesitantly. "I know this whole thing was my idea, full disclosure and stuff, but is it okay if we don't go too much into what happened last summer? I mean, we can talk about what went on in our lives, but…"

"I know what you mean," Ryan interrupted, seeing she was struggling how to explain it. "We talked about that as much as it could be talked about then, so I don't think we're cheating if we gloss over that."

Marissa smiled faintly. "Okay. Be back in a minute." She slipped into the bathroom, just closing the door behind her before her façade crumbled and she quietly slid down the door, sinking to the floor. The entire last summer had been sheer, unadulterated hell. While this one hadn't exactly been a walk in a park either, at least she wasn't so utterly alone this time. She couldn't remember a single happy moment the entire summer, but one memory in particular was especially painful.

If she'd known, she probably wouldn't have been altogether surprised that Ryan had lain back down on the bed and was staring listlessly up at the ceiling, remembering the same thing. One memory of the summer before was more vividly, agonizingly clear than all the rest….

_They had tried to talk at first. Marissa, desperately needing to hear his voice, had called him a week after he'd gone back to Chino. She knew she'd tried and failed miserably to sounds casual as opposed to desperate, but they'd managed to find an uneasy balance. Even if they were talking about things that didn't matter, at least they could hear each other's voices. _

Ryan wouldn't have admitted it back then, but he lived for those calls at points. Seth wasn't talking to him, although he'd heard about his running away- just one more thing on a pile of things to feel guilty about- and his conversations with Sandy and Kirsten were few and far between, mainly focused on Seth and Theresa. Marissa never ventured near the topic of Theresa- Ryan had a feeling she couldn't handle touching on that and to be frank, he had no complaints in that area- but she was the only one who seemed to care how HE was doing. How was his job, had he run into old friends, was he sleeping, was he eating. He needed that. He needed to know she still cared, that he'd still matter to her long after he was gone. He needed to just hear her voice. It made it easier to remember what she looked like, what she felt like. Sometimes the memory of her voice was all that kept him going through the day. Even if the calls were awkward and painful, they were better than no connection at all. Until one day…

Marissa had listlessly agreed to help her mother with a charity function. Not that she particularly wanted to do her mother any favors, but it was a way out of the house, and the less she saw her mother, the less her mother could tell she was drinking and hassle her about it. Her drinking had taken on an entirely different life this time around; she wasn't doing it to lash out or get attention. She simply wanted to escape into the black numbness, the only place where she wasn't constantly angry and in pain. She'd agreed to go to the bakery and pick up the petit fours, planning on taking her time getting back so she'd be good and numbed by the time of the party. She was standing in the middle of the bakery, staring absently into space, when suddenly the back of her neck prickled in a way it hadn't in weeks. Half convinced she was going insane at last, she turned around.

Ryan was standing in the entrance to the doorway.

At first she truly thought she had sunk to making things up, but he looked different. His hair was longer, he obviously hadn't shaved in awhile, his clothes were dirty, and he looked utterly exhausted and miserable. He was staring straight at her, his big blue eyes wide with shock.

Seeing Marissa hit Ryan almost as it had the first time; he felt the reaction all the way down to his bones. She looked beautiful, even more so than he remembered. She was obviously unhappy- his heart responded with an agonizing pain- and there was something else off he couldn't quite put his finger on but even with that, she was like water in the desert to his starved eyes. "Hi," he finally managed to get out.

For one crazy, insane instant Marissa had the fantasy that Ryan had somehow changed his mind, that he couldn't wait another second to tell her he was coming home and he had hunted her down to tell her just that. Her face started to break into a smile as she made her way to him- then she froze.

"Hey, are you ready for the doctor's appointment?" Theresa had come up behind Ryan to slip her arm into his. Her eyes widened when they connected with Marissa's. "Marissa," she said awkwardly. "Hey."

A thousand agonizing thoughts and feelings slammed into Marissa in one dizzying instant. Ryan was here for Theresa. He picked Theresa up from work. They went to doctor's appointments together. Ryan and Theresa were in a lifelong situation together, one she had no part in. It was over. It had BEEN over.

"Miss?" Another bakery worker came up beside her. "Here's your order-" Marissa, unable to take being in that room for another instant, cut the woman off by shoving money at her, grabbing the box, and rushing out the door. She heard Ryan weakly say her name as she pushed past him, but she just couldn't bring herself to turn around. She didn't have enough in her to be gracious one more time.

She didn't know how long she drove for until the tears blurred her vision too much to drive. She pulled over into an empty parking lot and stopped the car, resting her arms across the steering wheel and sobbing into them. She hadn't really broken down since Ryan left. She'd gotten a little teary and emotional at points, but she hadn't just let herself CRY until now.

How could she have been so stupid? How could she have forgotten that was the bakery where they originally ran into Theresa? A little voice in her head reminded her that she could never seem to retain much of any information when she was drinking, but she ignored it. The only thing keeping her from walking into the ocean right now was the thought of that blessed black oblivion that came from alcohol.

She didn't know how long she stayed there, grieving alone for all the chances she and Ryan would never have. They'd never go to prom together, never graduate together, never pick out colleges together. Back when she'd been at the height of giddily falling in love, she'd even done what probably no high school girl should do considering how high school relationships usually turned out: imagined marrying him one day and spending their entire lives together. All those silly fantasies in her mind had been lost forever, and she was left with nothing.

After what felt like an hour of crying, Marissa finally composed herself enough to wipe her eyes and put the car back in gear, heading towards the prison she now called home. She'd pass the petit fours to her mother and make some lame excuse, and head straight for her safe spot underneath the lifeguard stand where she went when she was getting especially hammered. Alone. As always.

Ryan sat on the edge of the bed in his drab room, staring blankly into space. He'd gone to the doctor's appointment with Theresa on auto pilot; in his mind, he was still standing in the bakery, staring helplessly at the stricken, horrified face of the woman he loved. He knew now that the thing "off" about her was that she'd been drinking. Part of him wanted to be disappointed and angry, another part wanted to accept he couldn't change her life anymore and had to let it go, but more than anything he felt overwhelmingly responsible. Logically, he knew Marissa was choosing to drink, but he wasn't sure he'd ever felt so useless in his life. All he knew was that she was hurting and not only could he not do anything about it; he was CAUSING a large part of it.

"Hey." Theresa startled him out of his thoughts as she appeared in the doorway. "Do you want some dinner, or…"

"You knew she was there." Theresa paused at his quiet, matter of fact words, crossing her arms protectively over her chest. "You knew she was there before you came up, and you came up anyway and mentioned the appointment."

Theresa stared past him for a moment, her eyes filled with conflicting shame and resentment. "Yeah," she simply admitted at length. "I did."

Ryan swallowed back his angry retort, knowing that wouldn't solve anything. "I know you're scared," he said finally. "I know this is really hard on you and you're protecting what you've got. But she has done nothing to do you. She's never been anything but nice to you."

Theresa's eyes started to flash. "You think I don't hear you on the phone to her sometimes? You think I don't know you're wishing you were with her every day you're here?"

"What do you want from me, Theresa?" Ryan asked tiredly. "I never said I fell out of love with Marissa. I don't even think I know how. But I dropped everything and came here to stay with you and this baby. I left her behind. Is it really so bad for me to spend some time talking to her on the phone?" Not that Ryan thought they'd be doing much of that anymore. "I walked out on her, after I promised her I wouldn't. Has she really done something to deserve being hurt more than she already is?"

All the anger seemed to drain out of Theresa. "No," she admitted quietly. "I'm not proud of myself, okay? I even like Marissa. I don't set out to hurt her. I just…I get defensive."

Ryan nodded, more exhausted than he ever thought he would be at sixteen. "I'm not trying to attack you or upset you; I don't even know why this matters since I don't think I'll be having much contact with Marissa anymore." The thought was so painful he almost couldn't stand it, so he quickly shoved it into the back of his mind. "Just…you don't have to be angry with her. There's no point to it."

Theresa smiled faintly. "Call her one more time Ryan. You know you have to." Ryan looked up in surprise, then nodded gratefully. He knew that was her way of trying to make it up. She gave him another quick, painful smile and exited the room, shutting the door behind her.

Ryan took a deep, shaky breath. He was dreading this call because he knew it might well be their last. At the very least, it would be their last for a very long time. He didn't want to face that. He didn't want to think beyond the phone call, the long stretches of empty days without even the sound of her voice to hold onto. And yet he knew the calls would no longer bring the comfort they had before because he'd seen with his own eyes how badly he was hurting her. He had to let her go. What he wanted to do was drive down to Newport and swear he'd never leave her again, but that wouldn't do anything but hurt everyone involved because it wasn't a promise he could keep. He just…had to let her go. He rubbed his hand harshly over his face to will back the tears he felt coming and picked up the phone.

As soon as her cell rang, Marissa knew who it was. For a moment, she considered not answering, but that seemed too…cruel, somehow. It wasn't like he'd done anything wrong. Sighing deeply, she put down her flask before picking up the phone. "Hi," she said, simply and softly.

"Hey," he responded quietly, his heart already aching at the sound of her voice. She was further on the path to drunk than she'd been at the bakery; he could tell. "I'm so sorry about today. I wish that you hadn't had to see that."

"Ryan, you have nothing to be sorry about," Marissa said tiredly. "I should have remembered she worked there; you didn't do anything wrong." She could feel the tears coming again and fought a losing battle to hold them back. "I just…" she took a shuddering breath. "I can't do this anymore," she admitted in a shaky whisper. "I wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to let you know how much I still…how much I still care about you. But it hurts too much." She bit back a quiet sob; instead allowing the tears to stream silently down her face. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Ryan felt the tears sting his eyes, felt the blow to his heart that he'd known was coming and yet somehow hadn't been able to protect himself against. "God, don't be sorry. It's not your fault. I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happier than you obviously are right now."

Marissa didn't even know if she knew the meaning of the term 'happy' anymore. "I still want…" she struggled for the words to express how she was feeling. "I mean, I'm still here. If you really need someone, I'm still here. I don't want to totally become strangers. I just need…I need to break away from this somehow. I know that sounds selfish because you can't…"

"It doesn't sound selfish," Ryan forced himself to say. It wasn't selfish, he knew that. It was what he wanted for her. And yet there was this little part of him that wanted to beg her to never stop calling him. "You shouldn't be dragged down by this; it's enough that I have to be." He didn't know what else to say, but he couldn't bring himself to hang up the phone just yet. He didn't want their last conversation for God knows how long to be over already. He wanted to tell her he'd be there for her if she needed him; he couldn't. He wanted to tell her to check in and tell him how her life was going; he had no right to know. He wanted to tell her to wait for him; wait for what? He wasn't coming back.

"I'll…" Marissa froze in mid sentence. She wasn't going to be talking to him later, was she? The finality of it was crushing. "I have to go," she said hastily, and quickly hung up knowing if she didn't then, she never would. For the second time that day, she buried her face in her hands and cried.

Ryan sat in silence for a second, hating the sound of the dial tone with every fiber of his being. Slowly, he put the phone back in its cradle. He didn't bother attempting to stop the few tears that slid down his face; no one was around to watch him now.

That was it. That might be the last time they ever talked. They no longer had those bittersweet moments to look forward to; there was nothing but a vast, endless emptiness that might never end.

Marissa was startled out of her bleak thoughts by a soft knocking on the bathroom door. With a start, she realized she'd probably been in there for awhile. Sighing, she dragged herself to her feet and opened the door. It only took one look at Ryan's face to know he'd been thinking about that same day, and felt as ravaged as she did by it. Wordlessly, he opened his arms and she went into them; wondering if she could somehow be absorbed by him if she hugged him tightly enough.

"I know you don't want to talk about it; I don't really, either," Ryan murmured into her hair. "And I meant what I said earlier; I think we were both pretty honest back then. I mean, part of me wanted to keep talking to you and the other part of me couldn't take the pain, but I think you probably know that and felt the same way."

"I did," Marissa confirmed, her words muffled against his chest. "And I was drunk, but I think you probably knew that, too."

Ryan sighed. "I did. I think anything else that brought up can be covered in what happened right before and when I came home. I just…that's never going to happen again. I haven't wanted to make promises since I didn't exactly keep them the last time, but I really can't see a situation where anything like that would happen again. Just for me, I don't think I could go through it again."

Marissa smiled weakly against him and pulled away just enough so that she could look in his eyes. "Well, it's like you said. If you leave again?" She stroked his cheek. "I'm coming with you."


	17. Chapter 16

_**Author's note: **As always, thanks for all the compliments, particularly assurances that you don't feel Ryan and Marissa are too out of character since that's my biggest worry. We've gotten to Season Two! I'm going to be honest right off the bat and tell you that Lindsay is, bar none, my LEAST favorite character that's ever been on the show. I don't even particularly hate Theresa (although I considered her to be manipulative), but I LOATHED Lindsay. I'm trying to be as fair as I can regarding Lindsay and Ryan, but that bias may well show. On the other hand, when we get to Alex, I freakin' ADORE her. So that may show as well. This is just a brief little chapter; the next one probably will be too, then I'll do a long one on The Ex Factor._

**Chapter Sixteen**

Ryan- as Marissa had known he would- ended up actually helping her with dinner instead of just watching. Marissa patted herself on the back as they teased and laughed their way through the simple meal. She'd actually gotten a decent night's sleep and three square meals in the boy.

"Hey, where are your parents?" Ryan asked curiously as they carried their dishes back to the sink.

Marissa shrugged. "I never ask these days. I don't think I want to know the answer. I mean, I'm cool with them basically being back together this time around, but they're my PARENTS. I don't want to think about that."

Ryan smiled absently, his mind starting to drift back to far off times. "It's weird how things change, isn't it? You went from hating the idea of your parents divorced to hating the idea of them back together and now you're just kind of at acceptance."

Marissa lifted her shoulders. "Things change. We certainly did."

Ryan took it as that as the hint it was to re-start their conversation and followed her into the living room. "Where do you want to start?" he asked as they curled up together on the sofa.

Marissa chewed her lip thoughtfully as she debated. "I don't know…I think we should probably start a little before you came back to Newport. So much of our lives were separate back then," she remembered sadly. "They stayed that way for awhile. We should talk about how and why that happened."

Ryan was quiet for a long minute. "That was you calling late at night sometimes, right?" he suddenly blurted out. "I mean, that wasn't me going crazy?"

Marissa closed her eyes briefly as she remembered those agonizing phone calls, then nodded. "I couldn't bring myself to speak to you after that one day, but sometimes at night, I'd…" she sighed, then went ahead with it. "I'd be drinking a lot. And I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about you. And I just…had to hear you breathe or something."

"I always knew it was you," Ryan recalled softly. "I would get this feeling in my gut and I'd just KNOW. I think I would have stayed on that line all night if you had, just listening to you breathe."

"I remember the last time I ended up calling you," Marissa murmured, half to herself. "I'd had dinner with Kirsten and my dad at your place earlier that night, and I'd gone out to the pool house just to stare inside, but I couldn't go in. That big empty space…it felt like the space inside of me. So I went under the lifeguard stand and got drunk as usual, and I called you."

Ryan remembered that, too. He'd been getting steadily more miserable and restless with his emotionally empty relationship with Theresa and what felt like an increasingly useless life in general. Still, a silent thought nagged at him. Taking a deep breath, he decided to voice it. "So where did D.J fit it?"

Marissa instinctively almost rolled her eyes. That relationship had possibly been the biggest waste of her time. Ever. Still, it was important to what happened to them at the time, so she didn't make light of it. "Honestly, he really didn't fit in much of anywhere," she admitted frankly. "I don't like to say it because he was truly a nice guy, but I spent time with him BECAUSE I didn't really care. He had no power to hurt me, not even really as a friend. We hired him on not long after I moved in, and he was always flirting with me…it was almost like another form of alcohol. It was an escape.

Ryan thought her words over carefully. "I can understand that," he said at length. "While what I ended up doing wasn't quite so casual, it wasn't altogether different than that, either. We can get into that later."

"I was never OUT of love with you," Marissa said firmly, wanting to make sure she got that point across. "I never even considered myself out of love with you. I was just angry at being in love at the time, and I thought I needed that escape into nothingness. And then you came home."

"And then I came home," Ryan echoed. "Theresa lost the baby and told me to not bother coming back, and I hate to say it but I was all too eager to take her up on her offer. I was nervous as hell to approach you, though. At first I wasn't even considering that I had the right to come home and face you at all. But then I got here and I couldn't stop thinking about you…I decided I was going to be casual about it, just approach you like I was coming back from summer vacation. It probably wasn't the best idea, so I was shocked when it actually worked, or I thought it did." He sighed. "I should have sat you down and had a serious talk with you. I knew you'd been drinking over the summer. I knew it couldn't be as easy as you were making it seem."

Marissa shook her head tiredly. "I should have told you; I know that now, of course. I honestly had every intention of breaking things off with D.J for good after you asked me to the carnival, and I was so scared of you disappearing from my life again if you found out. I talked myself into not telling you and talked Summer into agreeing with me…but then I had to go see D.J. God, I everything I did with that poor guy was selfish. I told myself it was because I didn't want to be a complete bitch and leave him hanging without a clue, but the truth is, I was just scared."

Ryan's head shot up and he looked at her curiously. "Scared?" he repeated. "Scared of what?"

"Of all kinds of things," Marissa confessed. "I was scared I'd lose you no matter what and then I wouldn't have anyone because I'd thrown D.J away. I was scared to lose that second escape beyond alcohol. Most of all, I was scared to let you back in again when I hadn't begun to heal from the pain of you leaving in the first place. I knew that I loved you but part of me was upset with myself for still being so vulnerable in that area."

Ryan sighed and ran a hand over her hair. "I can really understand that," he admitted. "I did pretty much the same thing when I found out. Part of me wishes you would have told me back then; I don't think I would have been angry. But you know…we were still so closed off from each other back then, and I think that's something only time was able to heal."

Marissa nodded. "I'm not trying to excuse myself from lying, but I think you're right. When you walked off at that carnival, I was still so cold and…dead inside that I barely even felt it. I think we needed new experiences. We needed to know what it was like with other people so we'd really KNOW we're supposed to be together." She faltered and blushed, realizing how ahead of herself she'd gotten. "I mean…that's how I feel, anyway."

Ryan smiled tenderly and lowered his hand from her hair to stroke her face. "I feel that way, too," he assured her, leaning in to give her a quick kiss. "If the time apart did anything, at the end of the day it convinced me I'm a lot better off with you."

Marissa flushed with pleasure this time and leaned her head into his shoulder. "Of course, I was a little in denial at the time," she remembered. "When we met up at the concert that night and we had a good time…I felt like you missed me…"

"I did," Ryan admitted frankly. "You're such a big part of my life here. Having it so empty of you felt all wrong. I told myself we could be just friends and that was a way to make the emptiness go away…I mean, it helped because it's better than not having you in it at all, but it was never quite right, for as long as I tried to ignore it."

Marissa smiled faintly; it was nice to know on some level he'd felt the way she'd pretty much accepted feeling all along: a little lost without each other. "So I was going to see you," she went on. Ryan raised his head, his eyes puzzled. "Seth and I had a talk and I was telling myself I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out as friends, but the truth is at the time I was thinking it would be like the last time we decided to just be friends. So I went to school to find you…and I saw you with Lindsay." That had hurt. It still hurt a little bit. It wasn't a feeling of betrayal, really. Not even like Theresa, where she knew she hadn't been betrayed but felt that way anyway. She'd just been sad that she couldn't make him smile like that.

Ryan ran a hand over his face. Lindsay. He'd known this would come up and he still wasn't quite sure what to say about it. He didn't even know what it was; looking back, it hadn't been much of a relationship. It's hard to have a relationship when you're breaking up with the person every other day. He voiced the thought out loud. "I'm not sure exactly what to say as a whole about her, but back when you must have seen us…I was trying SO hard to be normal, to be the good guy. I'd caused so much trouble and pain for the Cohens over the summer. I wanted to make as few waves as possible. So there Lindsay was, and she seemed to want to help me get on that track…"

"…And she wasn't as complicated as I was," Marissa finished ruefully. "You can say it. I think I more or less said the same thing about D.J."

Ryan chuckled at her straightforward response in spite of himself. "There was that," he conceded. "Lindsay was almost more an idea to me than she was a person; I'm not even sure I got to know her all that well."

Marissa considered that. "I don't think I DIDN'T know D.J," she said at length. "I mean, he was a pretty straightforward, nice guy. I had a decent enough time hanging out with him. He was basically just a friend with privileges, I guess. When I went after him after seeing you with Lindsay-" she winced at just how bad that sounded in retrospect "I think- I hope, at least- we both accepted that's what it was about."

Ryan nodded slowly; he'd kind of known that from the get go about her relationship with D.J and if he was honest with himself now, it had been what kept him from being all that jealous. "So I guess we've reached that point," he commented aloud. "We were officially separated, and we stayed that way for awhile."

Marissa nodded a little sadly. "I guess so. We still had our little moments, though. And I think this next part is really important- it's when we learned how to be friends."


	18. Chapter 17

_**Author's Note: **Really, this is kind of a filler chapter because I wanted to dedicate a whole chapter to The Ex Factor. I hope y'all enjoy it nonetheless!_

**Chapter Seventeen**

"I liked that," Ryan remembered softly. "I liked how we learned to be friends. I wasn't sure it was even possible, but I think we did as well as we could have. I liked being able to do things like chase you around with a penguin without all the constant drama and misery that had always surrounded our lives weighing us down."

Marissa smiled a little sadly. "Like I said, I think it was important. Our relationship had been so melodramatic so much of the time…we needed to learn how to just BE with each other, and I think we did to some extent back then. I mean, I can't lie and say I felt nothing but friendship for you. That's never been true."

"It hasn't been true for me, either," Ryan admitted. "I think there was a point when I tried to lie to myself and say that was all that was there, but there's always been something between us, from the day we met, that's more than friendship. I think it always WILL be there."

"I don't think I ever lied to myself about it," Marissa mused. "I think I always knew it was there; I just accepted it…I don't know. Didn't matter, I guess. Or it didn't change anything, so there was nothing to be done about it."

"It always matters," Ryan said quietly but forcefully. "What you and I have, it's always going to matter. Even if we're in different places or whatever, you will never NOT matter to me."

Marissa smiled softly and hugged his arm. "I know that now, and I'm pretty sure you know it's the same way for me. As nice as it would have been to have that assurance back then, it would have just made things harder. It was hard enough as it is to move on; I don't even think I did a very good job."

Ryan shrugged. "I thought you had at the time. I was horrified at Christmas," he laughed a little. "I thought it was going to be the worst thing ever, you and Lindsay. But it wasn't, and frankly that's because you went out of your way to make things easier. Even if you weren't getting a lot of help from me." _Or Lindsay, _he added silently, but felt vaguely guilty about dissing the girl he'd all but forgotten fifteen minutes after she left town after hearing Marissa still had feelings for him.

"It was a hard situation to be in," Marissa dismissed. "It was awkward for everyone, but I didn't want it to be so awkward so I made the first move."

"Was it hard for you?" Ryan asked quietly. "To see me…with her and all? Acting like…"

"Like you used to around me?" Marissa finished for him. "A little. Well, sometimes a lot," she confessed. "In my more ridiculously melodramatic moments I felt kind of replaceable, but I knew that wasn't fair."

"I know what you mean," Ryan admitted. "I figured you weren't that serious about D.J, but it still stung to see you two together sometimes. Even as I was moving on, it hurt to see you with someone else sometimes. I figured it might be the same way for you, that's why I was so weird about you two being in the same place at first. I didn't want to hurt you. I never WANT to hurt you."

"I know that," Marissa assured him. "I don't set out to hurt you, either. But you know, those feelings are inevitable in any break up, especially if there are unresolved feelings, which I think at this point it's pretty obvious there were."

Ryan smiled wryly. "Little bit, yeah." He paused for a moment. "She didn't replace you, you know. Not even a little."

Marissa sighed. "Ryan, it's okay, I swear. I told you that you don't owe me any explanations about that. I understood then, I understand now."

"No, I need to say it for me," Ryan insisted. "A lot of the time I was trying too hard in that relationship. I mean, we had some fun but it was next to impossible to really get anywhere. I'm not kidding when I say we broke up all the time, over some really stupid things. I think I had this idealized version in my head of what our relationship was supposed to be like, this really normal guy and girl, and it never really came true. What we had might have been messed up a lot of the time, but it's so much more important at the end of the day than whatever I had with Lindsay."

Marissa couldn't deny the little thrill of pleasure that went down her spine at that, even if it was petty. "I think it goes without saying D.J couldn't compete with you on ANY level," she responded aloud. "I mean, he really is a nice guy. Just not my guy."

"I really figured that out at the party for your dad," Ryan recalled. "I still don't know what the hell he thought he was doing."

Marissa groaned, letting her head fall back against the couch. "Well, don't blame him for my stupidity. You know, looking back I'm not even sure why I cared so much? I guess I was just so sick of my dad acting like a teenager, and I still had so much anger and resentment pent up against my mom. I think it was just an excuse."

"I wanted to go over and help you so badly," Ryan said quietly, his mind traveling back to that night. "I saw you, in all that pain beneath the alcohol, and I just wanted to go over there, grab you, and take you some place where I could hold you until it was better. For that one second, everything between us disappeared. When it was over, I pushed it as far back as I could, but it happened. And it was ridiculous, but I was SO pissed off at D.J for not knowing what to do with you. I mean, to take you to the party knowing you were drunk?"

"It's not his fault," Marissa sighed. "It's not like a lot of guys would know what the hell to do with me. And it's not like I let him get too close." She smiled faintly and leaned against his shoulder. "Besides, you held me the next morning, and it helped."

Ryan kissed the top of her head. "I was glad you were there. I was glad I could do something. Right then, I felt like whatever else we would end up being to each other, we could really be FRIENDS. And you're a good friend, however I might have made you feel about it later. You tried really hard to just be a good friend to me. There were points in those months where you were probably the nicest to me out of anyone in my life at that time."

Marissa raised her brows. "That's kind of sad," she pointed out. "But I'm glad, at any rate. We had our up points, but I know I had a lot to improve on in the girlfriend area at that point. I'm glad you feel like I was a good friend."

"You were." Ryan stroked a hand through her hair. "So I guess…I guess not long after that, things must have ended with D.J, huh?"

Marissa shook her head. "Honestly, the entire thing was a waste of my time. It was my lamest break up ever, although it was also my least dramatic so that's kinda nice, I guess. Basically, I got REALLY out of control in using him to piss my mother off and he called me on it. In a nice way, granted. So he gave me the money my mother tried to pay him off with and that was that; it was over. I can't say I was heartbroken; I wasn't in QUITE as bad shape as I'd been over the summer so I didn't need the escape so badly. I just didn't want to be lonely, especially when you weren't, as embarrassing as that is to admit."

Ryan smiled a little and ruffled her hair playfully, "Well, then I'll tell you hearing about it didn't exactly break MY heart, either," he teased lightly. His smile faded as he recalled what came next. "I guess we can't avoid this," he said quietly. "What happened next is our fight."


	19. Chapter 18

_**Author's Note: **as always, thanks for all the comments! Let me say a few things, since this is an important chapter and an important scene for fans. First off, I am NOT of the opinion Ryan was totally justified in what he said to Marissa that night. I don't happen to believe all she ever did was drag him down (as I've said before, I think that takes away his responsibility for his choices); therefore, I think that remark of his was out of line. I also don't blame Marissa for Lindsay's fool self being a cheap drunk (although I never promote offering kids alcohol, so I alluded to that sentiment). Since I think this fight had very little to do with Lindsay at the end of the day, that's not such a big deal. I DO think Marissa was making a mess out of her life and needed to be told that. Overall, I don't think Ryan holds any resentment towards Marissa for that night. He doesn't blame her; he blames himself so he's not going to be angry here. Marissa is the one who would still be hurt and resentful deep down, so she needs to come to that conclusion all on her own. _

**Chapter Eighteen**

"_What happened next is our fight."_

It was instinctive for Marissa to pull away and wrap her arms around herself as if trying to become a little ball. Of all the fights they'd ever had, of all the things that had ever been done, she didn't think she'd ever been so humiliated and stricken as she had been that night, simply standing there and listening to him scream at her. Not even with Theresa had she felt quite so low and insignificant; at least then she'd known he still cared about her. She'd had her doubts about it that night.

Ryan winced as she pulled away. He'd known this was going to be one of their harder conversations. He still hadn't totally sorted out the whole night in his head, but he knew the look on her face would stay with him forever. At the time, he thought he might have single handedly wiped out everything they'd ever meant to each other in one screaming match. "I know this is going to be hard," he said softly. "I think this is one of our most unresolved issues though; if nothing else, we should have talked about this night when we got back together."

Marissa was torn between hoping something would come up to dull the memory and dreading something would make it worse. Overall, she knew he was right either way. "Where do you want to start?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper.

Ryan tiredly ran a hand over his face. "I guess with me trying too hard for you and Lindsay to be friends." He sighed. "That was a mistake, not so much because of you or your behavior, but because of hers. She'd made it pretty clear you intimidated her. I know you didn't mean to," he hastened to explain when she opened her mouth in protest. "But I mean, come on." He smiled faintly. "You'd make a lot of girls nervous."

Marissa simply shrugged, resting her chin on her knees. She hadn't felt like a girl who could- or should- intimidate any other girl like that back then. "I didn't dislike her," she affirmed out loud. "Looking back, I don't know how much I liked her, either. I don't even think I really knew her, and she always had this tone with me like she didn't like me, which kind of set me on edge. But I was willing to try for your sake, and maybe so I could have one sane person in my house that was on my side."

"I was being selfish," Ryan admitted. She looked up at him in surprise and he elaborated. "That was all about MY comfort, really. I wasn't thinking about how it would be awkward for you two. I wanted to prove to myself that everyone had moved on, that everyone was happy and friendly in their new places. Again, I was trying too hard, which I guess was a sign I wasn't okay and I wasn't over it."

"You hid it well," Marissa commented quietly, a faintly sad tone ringing in it. "You seemed so happy with Lindsay, so totally past our relationship. I was happy you were happy, but I wished sometimes I'd been capable of making you that way." It had also stung to believe Ryan could so completely move past what they'd shared, when she was still floundering in it. When she still compared every guy to him and they all came up lacking.

"I wasn't past it," Ryan said softly. "It really hit me when I was driving Lindsay to your house that night." He shook his head in self-recrimination, still remembering how he'd gotten lost in memories of Marissa in the car. "She asked me how we met, and I just…went on about it. I almost forgot she was in the car. Looking back, it might have been a little reason I flew off the handle so easily later; I felt so guilty when I realized I'd kept talking on and on. I kind of tried to back track, but I think she knew. I felt…disloyal somehow, so I pushed the feelings back as far as I could again, and went all the way in the other direction."

Some of the tightness in Marissa's chest eased; it was nice to hear he'd been thinking about her and caring about her on a night when she'd been afraid he'd gotten so distant he'd decided he never cared about her in the first place. "Lindsay was really nervous and freaked out when she showed up at my house," she remembered softly. "I shouldn't have offered her a drink. I know that. But I felt so awkward myself, and I honestly didn't even think about it. It's just what we did before a night out. She said no and that was totally cool with me; I was embarrassed for asking at that point. I didn't pressure her. She asked for it later all on her own." A faint note of defensiveness and irritation crept into her voice; that was one thing she felt justified about. She shouldn't have offered Lindsay the drink, but she wasn't the type to do that.

"I know that," Ryan sighed. "I think I even knew it then. I don't think it was so much about Lindsay; I had so much bottled up about you back then. I shouldn't have blamed you for her choices." Marissa shrugged silently, her head going back to rest on her knees. Ryan eyed her warily; she hadn't had such a defensive wall up the entire time they'd been talking. He was starting to think the fight had cut her deeper than even he'd realized. Dammit, they should have talked about this before.

"I still remember the way you were looking at me in the Bait Shop," Marissa was saying aloud, bringing Ryan back to the present. "I hated it. I could feel the argument coming even then, and I was dreading it." She shook her head tiredly. "I thought at least one good thing about our break up was that we wouldn't be screaming at each other all the time, but I guess I was wrong that night."

"I was pissed off about that," Ryan admitted. "I didn't want to deal with a drunk girl again at that point and I had created this Lindsay in my mind that would never choose to get drunk all on her own…and there you were."

Marissa could feel herself getting testy about that and bit it back. "I've already said I shouldn't have offered her the drink," she responded evenly. Ryan flinched at the cool, distant tone. He would have preferred getting yelled at. "I mean, I truly didn't think you were going to be around that night, or that she'd get drunk THAT easily. I wasn't setting out to upset you. But I should have erred on the side of caution, just in case."

"You didn't have any responsibility to make me feel better," Ryan said quietly, avoiding her eyes and retreating into his own shell. "We were over at that point; you didn't owe me anything."

Marissa deflated at the somewhat defeated tone in his voice. "See, that's what I don't want," she sighed. "For as embarrassing as trying too hard can be sometimes, for as pathetic as I can feel if I'm basically still acting like your girlfriend when I'm not, for as much as I thought I must have been annoying you by hanging around when you moved on, I'd rather it than you thinking I don't care, or don't have any responsibility towards you. Even if I look pathetic, or it bites me in the ass."

Ryan's heart lightened a little; he knew that in the back of his mind, but he was afraid he'd lost that connection that night. He thought he'd pushed her too far. "You don't look pathetic, and I wasn't annoyed," he assured her, tentatively reaching for her hand and gratified when she entwined their fingers together. "I've said it before, but it always means something to know you care about me no matter what. I don't have a whole lot of people like that in my life."

As always when Ryan expressed that, it made Marissa indescribably sad. "Well, there you go," she smiled a little. "You can yell at me, but I'm still going to love you."

"I doubted that on that night," Ryan confessed. "When I found Lindsay again, I was just pissed off at the world. I was pissed off at myself for leaving her on the beach, at her for drinking…I was pissed off about things that didn't even have to do with that night. I was getting frustrated with Seth's drama, at Kirsten and Sandy for being so distant even when I was trying so hard…and then there was you."

"I guess I get the laundry list now, huh?" Marissa attempted to joke, even as she had to work at not pulling her hand away to protect herself from the memory.

"There were a lot of things going on in my mind about you," he admitted. "Like I said, I didn't want to admit Lindsay might not be the perfectly normal girl I'd made her out to be, and were there with the flask on you. I was upset you'd started drinking again, both at you and at myself- partially because I thought I'd caused it and partially because I didn't FEEL any differently than when I'd been your boyfriend."

"It wasn't your responsibility that I was drinking," Marissa said tiredly. "It wasn't your fault. But you ended things. I wanted to believe it also wasn't your place to attack me for it, but the truth is I was upset with myself for the same thing you were- I didn't feel any differently when you yelled at me than I had as your girlfriend. I felt like I'd lost everything but the pain of our relationship that night."

That struck Ryan as profoundly sad. "I wish I hadn't done it like that," he sighed regretfully. "I wish I hadn't been so cold, and I really wish I hadn't been so public. I know I humiliated you."

"You did," Marissa said bluntly, not feeling like she had to sugarcoat that. "Maybe I deserved to get told off for offering Lindsay a drink, but I can't say I feel like I did anything that night to deserve getting told I was nothing but a mess and more trouble than I was worth in front of people who had nothing to do with our relationship." She finally pulled her hand away. She couldn't hold his hand as they talked about that fight.

Ryan closed his eyes. He knew what he'd said to her would have to be addressed and he didn't even know how to do it. "It wasn't about that night," he repeated quietly. "At least, not much about that night. Lindsay being drunk in and of itself was a very small part of the whole."

Marissa laughed bitterly. "Oh, right. It was about ALL the times I'd screwed up, right? Messed up drunken bitch Marissa never did anything but drag poor innocent Ryan down. Fine. Let's ignore any choice you may have had in the matter, although I have to say for someone who never got anything but dragged down, you certainly kept coming back for more long after it had to have been clear I was a mess-"

"You're right," Ryan interrupted simply, sending her into surprised silence. "Yes, you had a lot of problems. But you're right; at the end of the day I chose to involve myself in those problems, like when I found out about Luke and your mom. You didn't make me do anything then; you didn't even know about it. I chose this. And I did it because I love you."

A lot of Marissa's anger melted away at his blunt confession; she almost wished it hadn't because it only left the pain and self doubt behind. "I wish I would have known it that night," she admitted painfully, trying to force the tears back. "It was like my worst fear was coming true that night. You had realized once and for all I wasn't worth the trouble that came with the pretty face. You were going to look back on this relationship in the future and see nothing but a mistake, a situation with a messed up girl you shouldn't have gotten involved with in the first place." A tear slipped down her face and she angrily brushed it away, almost in a slap. "And I mean, maybe that's what I deserved. But it doesn't hurt any less to hear."

The look on Marissa's face that night would likely haunt Ryan forever, he knew. Once he'd gotten through lashing out, he'd really SEEN her for maybe the first time that night. He'd seen the utter humiliation she was trying desperately to hide to some extent; he'd seen the dull pain and feelings of worthlessness in her eyes. "I shouldn't have said that," Ryan said softly. "I mean, I don't THINK that. I don't think that all you ever do is drag me down. I was so frustrated that night. I was watching you just get so lost from the sidelines, and I knew you were meant for better things than that but I couldn't help you. Deep down, I was still hurting over loving you and feeling like that wasn't enough to save us, and I lashed out. I was also pissed off that I was in the same place with Lindsay that I'd always been, and you were kind of a scapegoat. I didn't mean everything I said, and I should have made that clear when I apologized the first time."

Marissa scrubbed her hands tiredly over her face. "I'm not saying I wasn't a mess, or shouldn't have been told that. I was completely out of control; someone was bound to say it to me and you've consistently been the first person who cared enough to do it in the past. If it had just been that, I still would have been embarrassed that it happened in front of other people, but it would have been okay."

"Trust me, I'm aware my point got lost when I told you that you were dragging me down and blamed you for something that was mainly not your fault," Ryan said ruefully. "I know I handled it badly. I lashed out and said some things I didn't totally mean."

Marissa sighed. "Well, it's not like I haven't been guilty of that in the past." She was quiet for a moment. "Are you sure?" she finally asked, hating the somewhat pleading tone in her voice but needing to know regardless. "Like I said, if you felt like that, it's probably nothing I don't deserve."

In response, Ryan simply reached out and pulled her into his arms, not giving her enough time for doubts or pulling away. She stiffened up at first, but he simply held on tighter, burying his face in her hair and rubbing her back until she relaxed and finally wrapped her arms around him in return. "You have changed my life in so many ways," he murmured at length. "Sometimes it's been complicated and sometimes it's been hard, but…Marissa, I wouldn't even be ALIVE right now if it weren't for you. I wouldn't have been able to open up or love the way I can now. Yeah, there have been good parts and bad parts, but the good more than makes the bad worth it. Trust me."

Marissa was momentarily at a loss for words; more than anything in the world, what she wanted from him was to hear that and she hadn't been expecting to hear it tonight. Wordlessly, she buried her face in his shoulder, closing her eyes tightly until the intense wave of emotion passed enough for her to speak. "You don't know how much I needed to hear that," she whispered at last. Pulling away just enough to reach his face, she gave him a long, searching kiss. Ryan fell headlong into it, cupping the back of her head in his hand to pull her closer as their lips and tongues met. "I love you so much," she said huskily against his mouth."

Ryan smiled, thinking he maybe enjoyed how easily the words could come to him now as much as she did. "I love you, too," he murmured, kissing her forehead. "I'm glad you're part of my life." He sighed. "I really thought I'd lost any chance of ever being close to you again that night, especially when I came to apologize. I thought I'd pushed you too far once and for all, and you were never coming back."

"Ryan," Marissa sighed. "Yeah, you were out of line that night, but it's not like I haven't screwed up worse. If I hadn't pushed you too far before that night, what made you think that was going to do it for me?"

Ryan considered her words; he hadn't thought of it that way, which he voiced aloud. "That wasn't really my line of thinking that night," he admitted. "It wasn't a tit for tat thing. All I knew is I didn't think I'd ever hurt you like that before. I mean, I know me leaving and the whole thing with Theresa was worse, but it wasn't so…cold. It wasn't so careless and cruel. I…I have this comfort level with you where I feel like I can show how I feel more than I can with most other people, whether it be love or anger or whatever. But that night…I thought I'd let it go too far and you were going to retreat like everyone else in my life. I guess I felt the same way you did; like I wasn't worth forgiving or getting past it."

Marissa shouldn't have been surprised by that statement, but she was. The thought was so incomprehensible to her. That SHE would think RYAN wasn't worth the trouble? "Ryan…" she faltered helplessly. "That's never even been an option for me. I CAN'T do that, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I said it earlier tonight, but I truly don't mind that you get angry with me if that's the only way you can let those feelings out. I don't want you to feel you have to stop. I may get mad back, but I'm never going to give up on you."

Ryan smiled tenderly and rested his forehead against hers for a minute. "I'm slowly but surely getting that," he admitted. "I figure if you haven't headed for the hills yet, it's going to take a LOT to scare you off, maybe even more than I can do."

"In all honesty, I can't imagine anything," Marissa said truthfully. "I just don't see what could ever make me completely turn away from you for good."

Ryan exhaled; as always when she said things like that, it eased a tightness in his chest that he didn't even know what there. "I'm glad, because that night I thought it was over for good. It didn't matter who'd screwed up more or who hurt who more, it was just over. You looked so hurt and so distant, and I didn't know how to fix it. Then you said you didn't think what we had meant anything to me, and that just killed me," he admitted.

Marissa sighed. "That was probably unfair," she admitted. "You'd proven you cared a lot for me when we were together."

Ryan lifted his shoulders. "What else were you going to think at that point in time, though? If someone said to me what I said to you, I'd probably think the relationship didn't mean anything to me, too. I knew I was the reason you felt that way, and I didn't know how to tell you how far that was from the truth. It's another one of those things where I should have seen the signs. If it hurt me THAT much to think you believed that, something was wrong. If it was so awkward for us, we weren't over each other, as much as I tried to believe so at the time. But I still wasn't ready to let go of that safety net, so I just said I was sorry and walked out."

"Well, I was glad for the apology if nothing else," Marissa remembered. "It meant we wouldn't have to glare or turn the other way in the hallway; before you came over I was convinced we'd never speak to each other again."

"We didn't really talk to each other for awhile after that," Ryan reminded her a little sadly. "I mean, we had some casual conversations, but God. We barely spoke for what was it? Weeks? A couple months?"

"Well, so many things were going on," Marissa reasoned. "We needed some time apart and as distant as we were, things happened on my end that are important to our relationship."

"Mine too, now that I think about it," Ryan said thoughtfully. "Everything with Lindsay totally unraveled and kind of taught me a lesson."

Marissa bit her lip; this was something she had the feeling had always been far too awkward for Ryan to really talk about in depth, but it was important. "For me, this is the time I started get closer to Alex."


	20. Chapter 19

_**Authors Note: **Sorry it took so long to get this up! I got distracted by premiere stuff and vid making. Thanks for all the nice comments! As for the Lindsay issue, like I said she is by FAR my least favorite character of the show. I truly don't think Ryan was able to get very close to her, and Ryan made a joke himself in the show about how they were always breaking up, so I didn't think it would be entirely out of character for him to point that out. As for how Marissa reacted to her, I don't think it was at all intentional to humiliate Lindsay or bring her down. Marissa, for all her flaws, is simply not the type to sabotage Ryan's other relationships or make the other girls he gets involved with feel bad. Like when she helped Theresa come to the party by giving her a dress, she also made a point of telling Lindsay that night how much Ryan cared about her and that she had nothing to worry about. Marissa just isn't that diabolical, lol. I never sawa hint that the show was trying to aim for Marissa setting out to make Lindsay look bad. As for this Alex section of the chapter, it's more Marissa explaining how the relationship happened, and how it ultimately helped her grow up so her relationship with Ryan would be more healthy when they got back together. This is the last chapter before Trey. I LOVE the Trey storyline; I love everything about it. I love Trey, I love Logan Marshall-Green, I love the way Ben, Logan, and Mischa all play off each other, I loved the writing for this storyline, I love everything. So these next chapters are probably going to be pretty in depth. Unfortunately, as cute as The Risky Business was it's going to be hard for Ryan and Marissa to remember it like that considering what was going on, so the Trey era is going to be very heavy and serious, even if the show at the time wasn't so heavy._

**Chapter 19**

"_This is the time I started to get closer to Alex."_

Ryan rubbed a hand over his face; this topic wasn't so much painful to him- although he'd been somewhat hurt when he'd realized the relationship was real- as it was awkward and uncomfortable. He had never considered Marissa having a relationship with another girl until it happened, and he still didn't know exactly how he felt about it. However, the curiosity he'd felt for months about her relationship with Alex overrode any awkward feelings. "How…I mean, how did that whole thing start?" he asked, spreading his hands in confusion. "I'd never gotten any vibes from you before that you…"

Marissa was caught between laughter and embarrassment; this was the reaction she always got when other people talked about her connection with Alex, and she never quite knew what to say. "I still don't really know how to explain it," she admitted. "It happened so fast. It wasn't JUST to piss my mother off, although that was a nice bonus and it was a big reason I stayed as long as I did. Alex was just so different from anyone I'd ever known, so cool and independent. And she liked ME. At the time, I felt like she liked all of me, good and bad, and I needed that so badly. I had fun with her, too. She was so free spirited, and I hadn't had any fun in such a long time. I'd felt…dead for months and all of the sudden, I didn't anymore. I admired her; I guess I wanted to be like her."

"Including…" Ryan trailed off uncomfortably; still not sure how to say it. He liked girl on girl action as much as the next guy, but it was different when the girl you loved got into a serious relationship with another girl.

Marissa shrugged somewhat helplessly. "I guess…Alex just didn't seem to think the sex of a person was such a big deal, you know? Like, she was attracted to PEOPLE, not limiting it to girls or guys. And when I was with her, I thought maybe that made sense. I needed something to hold onto and she was there for me when I needed her."

"And I wasn't," Ryan finished quietly.

"Ryan, that's not how I mean it," Marissa protested. "You HAVE been there for me. You were there for me for a whole year; I just wasn't ready to listen at that point; my life was so screwed up. It took a year of being exhausted by all the drama, then moving out and trying to be like Alex to realize it wasn't for me and start to get more comfortable just BEING me. I think I needed to reach that place before you and I could move forward. You had your own life then, and you had a right to it." She paused. "What was going on with you then, anyway? There was that whole thing with Caleb…"

Ryan shook his head tiredly. "More drama, what else? Not to speak ill of the dead, but Caleb was an ass to Lindsay-"

"There's a shocker," Marissa sarcastically interrupted. "I knew he'd drive her away."

"It was a disaster," Ryan confirmed. "Anyway, I got…like I always do and Caleb had a heart attack, which scared the crap out of me. Lindsay and I broke it off again because she wanted to get to know him better, he and I eventually came to an understanding, her mother decided to share with ME that she might not be Caleb's, Lindsay and I kinda broke it off yet again…basically, it was still drama all the time. Maybe slightly tamer, less violent drama, but drama all the same. I wasn't happy. I felt alone and just…off most of the time, like I wasn't really being me and no one could see that."

"Then Lindsay left," Marissa said quietly.

"Then she left," Ryan concurred. "Again, I don't think it was so much specifically about her. I mean, she was a good girl and I liked her, but I still don't think we even got to know each other that well at the end of the day. I just…I can't take being left behind." He smiled faintly. "So I was standing there, in the rain, feeling depressed and alone…and there you were. Just like you always are. Even when it's been hard, even when we've both screwed up, you've never left me behind."

"I never will," Marissa said simply. "I don't think I know how."

"That's what I need." Ryan reached out to touch her cheek. "Really, that's what I need more than anything else. I need someone who won't leave me. That moment in the rain…it was good. We'd left all the crap behind us and we were able to just BE in the same space together. It was good to feel like, even after our fight, you were still going to be the one who didn't leave me behind."

Marissa remembered that stormy night; she'd enjoyed it, too. It had been nice to just be Ryan's friend apart from all the insanity and complications their relationship had always had. "Well, it did break the ice," she said aloud. "It wasn't quite so awkward to hang out at the mall after that."

Ryan smiled wryly as he recalled their trip to the mall; that was when Marissa had truly started to take over his thoughts again, or more accurately where he'd allowed himself think about her more freely. "That was when I realized the thing with Alex might be more serious than I thought," Ryan mused aloud. "It was weird, but seeing you work at the relationship and try to stay in it even though it was obviously hard made it seem like she mattered to you. I thought you'd run home screaming at the first sign of trouble."

"She did matter to me," Marissa acknowledged gently. "It wasn't anything close to what you and I have, but she helped me grow up. Although staying with her then didn't necessarily mean that; I was determined not to prove my mom right." She paused, uncertain how to go ahead with the next part. "You…I mean, you heard what I said to Summer, right? You were listening."

Ryan flushed a little at the mention of his somewhat shameless eavesdropping. "I heard you," he admitted. "Man, that threw me for a loop. I hadn't even considered you not being over me. I couldn't understand why anyone would be hung up on me for that long." He remembered how dumbfounded he'd been, how hard her quiet, resigned sadness had hit him since he hadn't had any time to protect himself against his feelings for her. As often as he'd seen her unhappy, he wasn't sure he'd ever seen her so…beaten down as she was in that moment. She usually lashed out when she was hurt, not quietly accepted the pain and attempted to move on even though she still felt it. More than anything, he'd been stunned to realize her feelings for him hadn't faded away, and that shock had ripped through most of his protective layers to remind him his feelings for her hadn't vanished, either.

"I was SO humiliated," Marissa groaned, letting her head fall against his shoulder. "I'd been proud of myself up to that point; I thought I'd done a good job of letting go and never letting you see how I felt, never making you feel guilty about things that couldn't be changed. Not to mention, you were at least seemingly heartbroken to another girl, and there I was going on and on about how I missed you every day. I wanted to sink into the floor."

Ryan chuckled and put his arms loosely around her. "You didn't need to be. It wasn't like I saw you as pathetic, or felt sorry for you because you felt something for me I couldn't return. It threw me for a loop BECAUSE it made me feel things for you I thought I'd buried. Really, I wasn't too focused on Lindsay after that. I kept running what you said in my mind over and over again."

"I figured you at least weren't laughing at me after awhile," Marissa said, lacing their fingers together. "I was getting a definite vibe from you in the tent."

Ryan laughed and leaned his head against hers. "It was almost like the early days. I wasn't able to push past how beautiful you are, how much I wanted you. Everything felt kind of new again."

"And yet you used that same old line," Marissa teased him, nudging him playfully. "As if once wasn't bad enough."

"At least I was kidding this time!" Ryan laughingly protested. "I meant what I said about us being strangers, though. I didn't really like the feeling, and it got harder and harder to deal with. Seth was pushing me about you, I was thinking about you at any rate, and then I'd see you with Alex and it would hurt, which just made me pissed off at myself."

"I was really struggling at Alex's at that point," Marissa admitted. "I just didn't know how to survive there. Let's face it; I'm a spoiled brat. Not to mention, spending more time with you was bringing all the old feelings back to the surface, and I didn't know how to juggle everything."

"I was happy when you asked me to work on the bonfire," Ryan recalled. "Just because you thought it would be fun to do something together; I was glad you wanted to spend time with me. Even if I wasn't so sure I wanted the slap of reality in the face by going to your apartment with Alex."

"I did NOT think that through," Marissa said wryly. "It was automatic when I suggested it, but then I got to thinking about how awkward it was going to be, how messy the place was, how embarrassing it was to be doing something so…well, pointless and stupid since I didn't have to live like that."

"The state of the apartment was the last thing on my mind," Ryan smiled faintly. "All those feelings were coming back so fast and I didn't know what to do with them. I loved being close to you; I felt more…I just FELT more than I had in a long time. At the same time, there was still so much between us and you were with Alex…and then I felt like you'd gotten pressured into the whole thing with Seth, which kinda stung."

"Awww," Marissa said, rubbing his arm soothingly. "Trust me, Seth didn't talk me into doing anything I didn't want to do."

"Thank you," Ryan said playfully, brushing her lips with a quick kiss. "Anyway, then Alex and I got into a little…altercation. By altercation, I mean she threw a beer can at my head and I considered either fighting her or running away."

Marissa moaned and buried her head into his shoulder. "I had a feeling something like that must have happened. It's not Alex's fault; I kept hiding things about you from her. I told you; I barely told her or D.J anything about you. Our relationship was something that was just mine. I didn't want to share it with them. Which probably should have been a sign, I know."

"That along with thinking you'd been pushed into this made me retreat a little," Ryan admitted. "I stepped back and wondered if I really wanted to do this again. But then your mother came to see me-"

"She did?" Marissa interrupted in surprise.

Ryan nodded. "Long story short, she seemed to think I was the only one who could get through to you. For some reason, that made me think things could be different this time, if your mom's opinion of me was different. So I decided to go full speed ahead, challenge Alex, and get you back home."

"I was SO happy to see you at that pep rally," Marissa smiled. "You came and made everything make more sense, the way you always do."

"You mean until I almost got beat up?" Ryan asked ruefully.

Marissa cracked up in spite of herself. "Now THAT is funny in retrospect. Those guys at my bonfire…" Her smile faded as she remembered her final moments with Alex. "I hurt Alex," she confessed regretfully. "She really cared about me. And I cared about her too, but I was still in love with you deep down and I should have acknowledged that I needed to get past it more before moving on. I think we ended it pretty well, though. There wasn't a whole lot of bitterness. She's a good person; I hope she gets her life on track."

"I like Alex," Ryan agreed. "Although I can't say I wasn't relieved when you seemed so willing to come home. That night…I think I accepted that we were moving back towards each other that night. On some level, I think I knew we were headed for getting back together."

"So did I," Marissa smiled a little. "I knew we had some work to do, I figured it would be better to try and be closer friends first, but I had hope for the first time in what felt like forever when we lit that fire together. It was like so many of the walls we put up vanished that night." Her smile faded. It had felt like it that night…but then they'd gotten sidetracked by something-someone- that eventually became much bigger and more destructive than they could have imagined.

Ryan closed his eyes. He didn't want to go into the next part. He didn't know if he had the strength. Still, of all the issues they'd talked about, this one was the one that had the most profound effect on their relationship as it was now. He knew they needed to figure out a way…not past this since it was still going on, but a way to deal with it together more. He took a deep breath.

"So…not long after that, Trey came back."


	21. Chapter 20

_A/N: Here it is! I'm so sorry I made y'all wait so long for it andI appreciate all the comments about this story and others. I'll reply more fully to comments in the next chapter; I just wanted to hurry and get this up since I know y'all waited a long time for it. This brings us to right before the attempted rape._

**Chapter Twenty**

"_Trey came back."_

The words dropped like a bomb in the room. It took everything Marissa had not to pull away from Ryan and curl up in a protective little ball; she had to forcefully remind herself that no one could hurt her here.

Ryan could feel her tense. It tore him up inside. He'd sworn to himself that no matter what went down in their relationship, she'd never have that reaction to him. Logically, he knew she wasn't having that reaction to HIM, knew that it wasn't his fault. He was having a hard time convincing his gut and his heart of that.

"Maybe we should do what we did with Oliver?" Marissa suggested tentatively, not really believing she could put anything about Trey to the side but irrationally desperate to keep this from coming to a head for as long as possible. "Not talk about the…until the time when it actually happened?"

"Marissa…" Ryan sighed, pulling his arm away from her and harshly rubbing his hands over his face. "How will that even work? Are we supposed to laugh and talk about all the good times we had when we were getting back together, and totally forget what was building that we got blindsided by? I can't do that. I doubt you can, either."

Marissa shook her head, tears filling her eyes. "I can't," she confessed, her voice barely above a painful whisper. "I can't talk about it and can't NOT talk about it all at once."

"Marissa, if this is going to be too hard for you…" Ryan said gently, aching to reach out and touch her, knowing that probably wasn't what she needed. "I mean, I don't know if it's going to be bad for you to dredge all this up…I don't know if you should be talking to someone who's going to be better at helping you than I am…"

Marissa shrugged wearily. "I've gone to therapy; my mom wanted me there and I knew she probably had a point. It's helped, it has. But we need to talk about this in terms of US. As hard as it is, as much as it hurts, I think it might help." She shook her head tiredly, not even noticing the tears at this point. "We are so not over this. We're not even close to over this. Of all the things that could hold us back, of all the things that could end up tearing us apart if we don't deal with it, this is the worst. I know that. I think you know that."

Ryan closed his eyes. "I do know that," he admitted huskily. "As much as even going there in my mind makes me…" he trailed off; he didn't know if there were words to describe how he felt when he pictured that night in his mind. "I know that it'll break us apart if we let it," he said instead. "So…let's talk." He took a deep breath. "I guess the first time you, Trey, and I were all together was at the clothing store." Even as he said it, his mind had already traveled back to that day. He'd been incredibly wary of Trey, it was true. He'd been worried Trey would do what he always did to his life. But he'd honestly never even contemplated that Trey would hurt Marissa. His memories of this were still painfully crystal clear; he could remember every detail about asking Seth to call Marissa, about Marissa showing up at the clothing store. He went over it in his head again and again and again. "I wish I could remember the good things about that day," he admitted painfully. "I mean, I CAN remember them. I remember us messing with the hat and stuff. I know that we were really getting to a place where we could trust each other and be friends AND were starting to feel like something more could really work out between us. It was awkward; it usually is if we're not together, but it was a good awkward. But…I just can't focus on it." His voice cracked and he lowered his head. "I go back to that day, or to when I took you back to Chino, and I can't focus on any of those things. I re-play them over and over in my head…wondering if there were signs that Trey was going to hurt you that I didn't see." He rubbed his hand harshly over his face. "I mean, was he watching you? Did he say something that should have made me wake up? I could tell that he liked you; should that have been enough? He's always wanted anything good that I have."

"Ryan…" Marissa said softly, helplessly. "No one saw what Trey did coming. I don't even know if anyone COULD have. I've never felt like you should have protected me and failed."

"But he was my brother!" Ryan burst out. Marissa jumped at the sudden violence in his voice and he immediately softened. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he apologized. "I didn't mean to yell, not about this. I just…it doesn't matter to me that no one else saw it. No matter what anyone says, I don't know if that will ever matter. He was my brother. I knew him better than anyone here in Newport. I feel like…he dropped his head again. "I feel like there had to be signs, and I should have seen them, and because I didn't you paid the price."

Marissa opened her mouth and found she didn't know what to say to make this better. Hesitantly, she reached out and stroked the back of his neck; he didn't exactly lean into it but he didn't pushed her away, either. "You've got to stop feeling like every problem everyone ever has is your responsibility at some point," she said softly. "Had Trey ever raped or tried to rape anyone that you knew of before this?"

Ryan sighed. "No," he admitted.

Marissa knew that would be the answer. "And was he violent to women that you knew of?" she asked, knowing the answer to that, too.

"No," Ryan repeated tiredly.

"Did he ever give you any indication he was even attracted to me? Did he say something?"

"Okay, okay," Ryan said, holding up his hands in defeat. "No, he did not and I get your point. It wasn't obvious, and it wasn't something I had to suspect from some history of his. I just feel like such a goddamn idiot when I think about that time because I…" he chuckled with no humor whatsoever. "I thought we were all getting to be friends. I liked that Trey liked you, and you seemed to like him. It was…it was nice, you know? Or I thought it was."

"So did I," Marissa admitted quietly. "I felt like I was starting to fit back in your life, and it was cool that your brother seemed to consider me a friend." She shook her head bitterly, feeling an overwhelming sense of anger at Trey for everything he'd ruined, for every bond of trust he'd shattered. "So then I moved in," she said aloud, trying to keep her mind from going too far down that path.

Ryan smiled faintly in spite of himself. "Man, that HAS to be considered a form of torture somewhere in the world," he sighed. "You don't even know how badly I wanted you at that time. I barely thought of anything else."

"Oh, I think I know," Marissa laughed a little. "I was thinking of the same thing you were."

"Man, I was SO bad with you when that happened," Ryan groaned. "I felt like such a loser; I don't think I was that tongue-tied when we were first getting to know each other."

"You weren't," Marissa said lightly, smiling as Ryan shot her a playful glare. "It was kind of cute, though. At first I was totally thrown off guard and I didn't know what was going on. I even thought you didn't want me anywhere around-"

"NOT true," Ryan interrupted.

"But THEN…" Marissa went on. "If I could finish a sentence…then you walked in on me in the pool house and I knew different."

Ryan shook his head. "I swear you enjoy the power you have over me. 'Nothing you haven't seen before,'" he mocked. "I was about to pass out as it was and you had to go and make it harder. And then in the kitchen, talking about how the only time you'd slept in that bed you were with me…" his smile faded all too quickly as he remembered why they had been interrupted that night.

Marissa closed her eyes. She knew from this point on, there would be no momentary distractions, no hidden smiles. She knew that had been the night, or at least what she'd offered to do that night, had likely been what really put her on Trey's radar. "The truth is, I wonder about it too," she admitted dully, staring lifelessly into space. Ryan gave her a questioning glance, but before he could ask she continued her line of thought. "I wonder if I should have seen it, if I should have known going so far out of my way to help Trey would only lead him to think the wrong things about me."

Ryan felt like someone had hit him over the head with a brick. How could he not have seen this? It was the oldest story in the world, and he hadn't even considered it. Of course she blamed herself. The victim always blamed herself. "Oh Marissa, please don't…"

"No, I have to say this," she insisted, even as her voice cracked. "Look at how far I went out of my way for him. I helped him get an apartment. I auctioned off things to pay for his deposit and I went to ridiculous lengths to stall that auction so he wouldn't get caught. And then, even worse, after everything went down and you didn't want anything to do with him, I tried to strong arm you into mending fences." Once again, the tears started to slide down her face and she made no effort to stop them. "I went over to his apartment, I planned a birthday party for him, I went so far that you got angry at me. I should have just left it alone, and maybe…"

"You did all that for me." Marissa looked up in surprise but Ryan was already lost in his own pain. "I mean, can you tell me differently? Because I think you did all that because you didn't want me to lose my brother, nothing else."

"I-" Marissa haltingly tried to answer. "I did, but I don't want to take that in a way that means…"

"It means what it means," Ryan said tiredly. "The truth is, no matter how pissed off I got at you about Trey's birthday, I wanted to be pushed into making things right with Trey. When the opportunity came to change my thinking, I jumped on it and even though you'd backed off when I asked you to that time, I came to you and asked you for help because that's what I WANTED deep down. And you knew me well enough to know that." He shook his head, the tears stinging his own eyes now. "I don't care what Trey thought. I'm not going to let you beat yourself up over something you were doing for me."

Marissa shook her head, smiling bitterly. "This is just going to go in one big circle, isn't it? You blame you. I blame me."

"Maybe we should both blame Trey," Ryan muttered.

"I do blame Trey." Marissa angrily brushed some of her tears aside. "I blame him in this case because I think he's done damage to both of us we're never going to totally get over. It shouldn't BE like this, you know? You shouldn't be crucifying yourself for wanting a relationship with your brother. I shouldn't have to constantly guess what I was doing so wrong for wanting to help the brother of the boy I love. But here we are, because of what he's done to us, and I don't know…I don't know if we'll ever STOP going in these circles."

Ryan flinched. Every word out of her mouth hurt him. Even if Marissa's trusting nature bit her in the ass sometimes, he'd never WANTED her to be like him. He'd never wanted to her go through life not trusting anyone, constantly doubting and second guessing every single little thing she did. He didn't want that for anybody, let alone the girl he loved. And now, because of his brother, she was sitting on her couch curled up in the smallest ball she possibly could as if preparing for some invisible blow, doing everything he hadn't wanted for her. It was in moments like this he truly hated Trey. He still wasn't sure he could bring himself to regret their relationship; it had brought too much into his life and she'd assured him over and over again that he'd brought too much into hers. There had been agonizing moments during all this where he'd wondered if she would have a better life if he simply wasn't in it, but whether she'd convinced him that wasn't true or he simply hadn't been able to handle the thought, he didn't let himself go there too often. Still, in the times when it hit him full on how completely Trey had shattered the last bits of innocence and trust she'd had left, he loathed his brother. Aloud, feeling somewhat like a coward but not knowing quite what to say in response to that, he simply moved on. "So then there was the whole drug bust," he said.

Marissa's brow knitted. "Do you ever wonder now if he…"

"Had more to do with that than he let on?" Ryan finished wearily. "All the time. I wonder that about a lot of things. Was he really helping out a homeless guy? I never checked that receipt he threw at me when he told me he bought the watch from that store. I don't know anything about Trey anymore. Was any of that true, or did he just know how to play me that well?

Marissa hurt for him; he sounded so beaten down. She remembered how he'd been with Trey before he found out about the attempted rape, remembering seeing the lost little boy who so desperately wanted to believe in his big brother. She had SO wanted for his sake for Trey not to let him down; it had made her look past things she maybe shouldn't have. Hesitantly, she reached out to take his hand. He started in surprise at first, then gave her a small, grateful smile and entwined their fingers. "If he was lying, he was good at it," Marissa said gently. "We all believed him. Hell, you and I went pretty ridiculously far out of our way to get him off of that charge."

"I knew we were going to get back together then," Ryan remembered. "I mean, some part of me had really known it since the bonfire, but it was on my mind all the time after I almost kissed you at Trey's birthday party. There were no more doubts or defenses that were more important than how badly I wanted to be with you, and you had been so amazing throughout the entire Trey thing. I was surprised at how much you'd grown up. I just wanted to be a part of your life again, and I wanted you to be part of mine. And after you were so brave in the drug bust…" he trailed off. In that final moment in the car with Trey, there had been a moment that had stayed more in his unconscious than anything, but it was all he had and he felt he had to voice it. "There was one time with Trey…" he mentioned softly. Marissa gave him an inquiring gaze. "It was in the car after we drove him home in the car. Something about the way he was looking at you…I totally chalked it up to gratitude at the time but later on, when I thought something happened between you, that I remembered that moment."

There had been a lot of moments for Marissa leading up to the attempted rape, but she'd get to that when they came to it. "I wasn't even thinking about Trey at that point," she admitted. "I was glad we'd helped him out, but all I could think about was that when he got out of the car, we'd be alone in it and something was going to happen."

And so something had. "It's ironic, isn't it?" Ryan said quietly, bitterly. "When we got back together at that point, I don't think we'd ever been so completely on the same page. We knew each other so well at that point, and I thought all the drama that had messed with us, or caused us to mess with each other, was over. For like a couple weeks, we were really happy." He closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his eyes, willing back the tears and the horror he could feeling coming on like a freight train. "Then I went to Miami."


End file.
